


Faded and Soulless

by MizUnderstood2136



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-10-22 01:44:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 69,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10687212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizUnderstood2136/pseuds/MizUnderstood2136
Summary: Shayde Lavellan, Keeper in training, Dalish elf turned Inquisitor, has a yearning for our favorite Elven Apostate Mage, Solas. She has a hard time adjusting to live in the keep, away from her people. Solas helps her, in his own way.This is the story of how they came to love, live, and lose along the way.





	1. Chapter 1

My name is Shayde Lavellan, I come from a clan of Dalish elves that live wandering lives in the northern Free Marches. I also happen to be a mage. A fairly powerful one. And while usually, that isn't a bad thing, it meant that the day my Keeper sent me as her First (Keeper in training) to the conclave to spy, I was to find out how the conflict between the Templar’s and rebel mages was going to be resolved. As the First in our clan, I was often kept away from the rest of the clan. It could definitely get lonely. My studies were vastly different from theirs, I was learning more about our heritage and history, about magic and the fade. About the duties of a Keeper, how to keep the history of our clan and people for the next generations. I knew more about Elven lore than most. Our clan went out of our way to find old Elven ruins, scouring for any lost history. My Keeper told me many times, I was like a book, with many blank pages to be filled, but many more full and glorious. I think she was just being sentimental.

I found out I don’t know as much as we thought I did. Beyond that, I found out my substantial magic was nothing in comparison to the magic that tore the veil and created rifts allowing demons to enter our world, everywhere. People were scared and I was helping to lead the force that would bring order back into a world swallowed by chaos.

**Skyhold -**

I laid on the bed staring at the stone ceiling. My bed. I rarely had a bed when I was traveling with my clan. We usually slept on the ground under the stars, unless the weather said otherwise. Then there would be makeshift tents, and our elders would sleep inside the aravels, safe away from the elements. I sighed and turned onto my side, to stare out into the night. I missed the sounds of nature surrounding me, the creak of the trees as they settled in for the long nights rest. Now, I have dreams. Dreams about what happened in the future I saw with Dorian, not being able to change it and watching the people I've come to respect and more, watching them die horrible deaths. I dreamed that they’d be corrupted by the red lyrium and try to kill me.

Sighing, I gave up on sleeping in the bed, put some pants on, gathered a blanket and put on a soft pair of leather boots. Tossing my blond hair aside, I wrapped the blanket around myself and silently made my way down the stairs out of my room. Why they had given me a room so far from everything, I would never know. I made my way out to the garden, sat on the grass under a tree and stared up at the sky. It was almost like being home.. Just surrounded by hundreds of sleeping humans and dwarves. And a giant qunari man. And a few elves. But mostly humans.

I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to find a moments rest before the chaos of tomorrow settled on my shoulders. I felt it then, another presence, a ripple in the air around me. I opened my eyes to find Solas sitting on the grass next to me.

“Andaran atish’an,” I say quietly into the night. He just nods to me. “Do you find the keep too noisy too?” I ask. He stares at the sky for a few moments, then turns to me, “I do at times. I also feel the weight of the past in this place, but it’s a good weight.”  
I closed my eyes again. I was so tired. I hardly slept, the bed too soft, the ground too hard. Too much noise and not enough. I sighed quietly into the night. “If I may, Inquisitor, suggest you get some rest?” he suggested. I chuckled into the darkness.  
“Oh, if only I could.”

“And why can’t you?” he asked.

“Because I can’t sleep. It’s hard to explain, though you might understand it better than some. My bed is too soft, but the stone ground is too hard. I’ve never had a bed before. It’s... strangely different,” I tried to explain.  
“May I help?”

“How?”

“I often control my own sleep for when I walk in the fade, I don’t see how yours would be any different. You are a mage as well, so it shouldn’t be difficult at all.”

I considered it. It seemed so intimate but I was almost desperate. I don't think I've ever been this tired in my life.

“How would you go about this?” I asked somewhat warily. He smiled this oddly endearing smile. “Don't worry about that,” he says.

He starts talking then, in that low voice of his. Telling me stories, stories about the fade, places he had seen, spirits he had met and learned from. Stories of battles fought centuries ago, tragic and amazing love stories. He talked and talked, and I fell into a stupor of sorts. I stopped responding and just listened. His voice was like spiced honey, worming its way through my head and lulling me into something near sleep. I could feel myself fading, and his arm wrapping around me, guiding my head to his lap as he guided me back on the grass. I laid there, my eyes barely open, watching him talk on still. His face was barely illuminated by the minute sliver of a moon we had that night. His eyes dark, a half smile on his lips as he told me about a castle he had found.. One a noble man built for his love, and they filled that castle with passion and children and lived a beautiful life guided by a spirit of Love.

I tried to say something then, but he just silenced me with a finger to my lips. His skin was warm against my lips, and I could see an unusual expression on his face when he paused in his story telling. I closed my eyes and listened.

After what seemed to be mere moments, I heard him whisper, “Good Morning, Shayde,” and opened my eyes to find myself on my couch in my room. I sat up, saw it was daylight outside. I also.. Didn’t feel tired any more. I stretched, looked down and saw I was wearing a rather strange shirt with nothing underneath. I pondered the meaning of that. I _felt_ the same.. Then I remembered what had happened the night before. Solas finding me in the garden, offering to help me sleep. My head in his lap, that was unexpected. My stomach got all warm thinking about it. He was a complete mystery to me, and I was fascinated beyond compare. I went to the closet to dress, picking a simple blue shirt and leather pants, some knee high boots. Went to the mirror and combed through my hair with my fingers. The white blonde of my hair seemed almost silvery in the morning light. My eyes were clear and bright, and my face a bit flushed. I was going to go find him and ask him what that was about, last night. And how he did it. And if he would do it again…

**\---**

I found him in the rotunda, painting on the wall. A wolf from the looks of things. A shiver raced down my spine. I shrugged it off. I watched him from the door for a minute, his graceful brush strokes, wearing his determination like an invisible cloak.

“Are you going to stand there all day?” he asked, startling me. “Maybe? Am I not allowed to watch you paint my keep walls?” I teased. He chuckled. “You can do whatever you wish.”

“Can I?”

“You know you can. Would you like to help me?”  
I contemplated a moment, then shrugged. Walking over to him he handed me another brush and pointed to a little wolf drawn onto the wall below the big one he was working on. “And who is the wolf supposed to be? Is this Fen’Harel, here to cause mischief and mayhem?”

He just shook his head. I got some of the gray paint onto the brush, and moved to stroke it against the wall.

“Solas?”

“Yes?”

“How did I end up in my room this morning?”

Silence greeted me. I looked over to see him staring at me. “You fell asleep on my lap, so I carried you to your room,” he answered quietly.

“What about my clothes?” I ask. I stopped painting and stepped toward him. “Care to talk about that?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Why was I only wearing my shirt? Why do I feel like I slept for days? What did you do?”

“So many questions. First, I only helped you to fall asleep and stay asleep. Second, a healing sleep can do wonders. Thirdly,” he paused, and I could see him start to flush. I tilted my head and just watched. He looked away from me, stared at the wall, his whole head red. “You took your own pants off, Shayde. I turned away as soon as I saw what you were, uhm, you were doing.” He coughed, tried to clear his throat. And wow, I never knew a face could turn that red. I started to chuckle, covered my mouth to try and stop. Failed miserably, laughter rolling out of my face before I could stop it. He looked so perplexedly embarrassed. He closed his eyes and just leaned his head against the wall in front of him.

I stood there laughing for a good 3 minutes, doubling over then eventually falling to my knees on the floor.

“Solas..” I said between laughs. He still wouldn't look at me. “Solas I'm sorry,” I coughed, trying to control myself. I sat up, wiping my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I settled on the floor. “Solas.. I don't know why that happened… but I'm sorry if it embarrassed you.”

He sighed. “Ah, that's the thing. It wasn't embarrassing per se, but that is a conversation for another time,” he said quickly, trying to step past me to get to the doorway. I laid down on the floor and grabbed his foot. He sighed at me again. Looked down, saw me smiling up at him.

“Solas,” I said softly. “Don't go. Please.”

He nods, then sits next to me on the floor. “Are you done laughing at me?” I slowly nod, my head still laying on the floor.

“Can we talk about this?” I ask.

After a moment he finally says, “Yes, but not here.” He stands, holding a hand out to help me up. I grasp it and let him pull me up. Once I was standing I motioned for him to lead the way. He kept my hand and led me from the rotunda, and to my room, then out to the balcony. We stood there for a minute, just silent. He was looking out at the mountains, and I was trying not to look at him. I shifted on my feet, trying to think of what I could say. Or do. There was much I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how to start.

“Let’s take a walk, shall we?” he suddenly asked, grasping my hand once more..

Then, just like that, we were walking into Haven. And we talked, about how he came to be with the Inquisition, how Cassandra was ready to execute him for his apostacy and knowledge of the fade. How she was demanding results he had no idea whether or not he could produce. How he had resigned himself to flee, even after days of trying to save me and study the mark, because fleeing was better than death for the misfortune of being born a mage. I listened to him talk, as it seemed something he needed to do.

Eventually, he stopped and said, “It seems you hold the key to our salvation… You had sealed the rift with a gesture, and right there I felt the whole world change.”  
“You felt the whole world change?”  
“A figure of speech.”

“I’m aware of the metaphor, I’m more interested in the word _felt_ ,” I said to him quietly.

“You change.. Everything.”

I whisper, “Sweet talker,” as he starts to look all awkward and embarrassed for saying too much.

I reach out and turn his head towards me, pulling his mouth down to mine, planting a quick hard kiss there. I release him, confused as to my own reactions. As I turned to move away, he grabs my arm, swinging me back towards him. He dips his head down and captures my mouth with his, his lips hot and soft against mine. My hands gripped his arms, as his mouth slowly waged war with mine, his tongue stealing into my mouth. I closed my eyes and reveled in the feel of his body hot against mine, his hand on the small of my back, holding me close. He pulled away once, then seemed to change his mind, his lips crushing mine again. He tasted of honey, and spices and something deeper. I was drowning in him, in the taste, and feel, and urgency of our kiss. Then he pulled away again, apologizing profusely. “We shouldn’t. It isn’t right. Not even here,” he said. I was confused again. Did he feel nothing.. There was no way he didn't feel it too. The way he had held me, the passion practically pouring off of him.

“What do you mean, ‘even here’?” I asked as he backed away from me. His face belied his words however, flushed as mine surely was. His lips swollen from our kiss. His eyes bright and focused. He smiled a half smile then. “Where did you think we were?” he asks. I then look around, taking in our surroundings.

“This isn’t real..” I said.

“That’s a matter for debate.. Probably best discussed after you.. _Wake up_.”

I bolted upright in my bed, waking from a dream I didn’t even realize was a dream. It felt so real! How did he do that!? I will never understand that man…

I shake myself, get off my bed and wander downstairs to find him. My thoughts were with what had happened between us, kisses that had taken all sense of everything else, but the feel of him against me, away. My lips still felt the soft pressure of his, and my stomach was in knots. What if it was all in my head? And I didn’t actually kiss him.. In the fade or otherwise. I stopped outside the door to the rotunda, my hand on the knob. I leaned my head against the door and took a long shaky breath. What if he never felt that way and I was just projecting my feelings into my dreams?

But how would I ever know if I never ask him…? My hand turned the knob and I enter the rotunda. There on the wall were the wolves we had been painting earlier, finished and added to. A brilliant gold sunburst of light spread out behind them, with a small shadow of a mans figure seemingly in the distance against said light. Odd. Cryptic. And somewhat familiar. I shrugged it off, glancing about to see if Solas was even here. My eyes stopped on the chair he was sitting in. I could see his arm on the armrest, the rest of him obscured by the chair. I walked in and sat on the edge of the desk, catching his attention. He smiled at me.  
“Sleep well?” he asked me, an obvious bit of glee behind his voice.

“I’ve never done anything like that before,” I replied. “On a number of levels.” He chuckled at me, a small smile not quite reaching his eyes plastered on his face.

“I apologize. The kiss was impulsive and ill considered, and I should not have encouraged it.”

“You say that, but you’re the one who started with tongue..” I said, a bit of sass hiding the sting I felt at his words.

“I did no such thing,” he said quickly.

“Oooh, does it not count if it’s only ‘fade tongue’?”

“It has been a long time, and things have always been.. Easier for me in the fade. I am not certain this is the best idea. It.. could lead to trouble.”

“I’m willing to take that chance, if you are..” I said, unsure if I was right in leaping off this particular cliff, but certain that I had to nonetheless.

“I, may be.. Yes.  If I could take a little time to think. There are.. Considerations,” he answered, seemingly as surprised as myself.

“Take all the time you need,” I offer, trying not to sound as hopeful as I really felt.

“Thank you.. I am not often thrown by things that happen in dreams..” he said. “I am reasonably certain we are awake now if there are other things you would wish to discuss..”

Thus leading to us talking about the fade, not the part we kissed in. And we talked about my clan, and the elven people in general. Neither of us mentioned the kiss, but it crackled in the air between us. We knew it was there, and it seemed impossible to see around. Eventually, I had other duties pull me away, and we tabled the discussion of any “us” talk, though his reaction to me laying it on the line the way I did was promising.

Throughout the following weeks, myself and my band of merry henchmen meandered our way around Ferelden, helping to close rifts, fighting the Red Templars. Righting the damage done by the war between the rogue templars and mages. Helping anyone we could, as best as we could. We recruited many folks into the Inquisition, young and old alike. I often wondered if this was it, just endless fighting and killing and sleeping fitfully as the pain in my hand steadily grew worse.

**\---**

I sat on my balcony, staring up into the night sky. A moonless and dark night, a cold breeze wafting along the keep walls. I sighed into the night, wishing I could talk to Deshanna. She had always known the right thing to do to spur me on. I was so tired. It felt like all we did was kill things, hunt crap down that people ought to be able to find themselves, and kill more things. Every death I dealt, felt like a little of my soul getting chipped off. Over and over. I felt like I was suffocating, in these human made walls, surrounded by the humans and dwarves and ‘elves’ manning the Inquisition. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part they were all decent people. But it was endless, death, destruction, talking to obstinate people, getting death threats every time someone saw my ears or staff. My soul was tired and we still had so much to do. Deshanna would know how to fix this.. Whatever I was feeling. My chest felt tight, and my stomach grew hot, every time I was anywhere near Solas. I'd catch him watching me at meals or when we were out in the wilds. I would ask him questions about his studies or his friends, as much out of actual interest as well as just to hear him talk. His voice was fascinating.

While at times he was so confident and sure of himself, at others he was full of doubt. He seemed genuinely interested in me one minute, and the next he was discussing fade spirits and their purposes. I cannot describe how confused I am. He kissed like his life depended on it, his arms gripping me tightly, his mouth hot and urgent on mine, his tongue waging a fierce war with my own.

I touched my fingers to my lips, remembering the feel of his there. Hot, soft, confident and mind blowing. The taste of him was heady, honey, spices and .. I don't know. But I thought about it often. I scowled into the night, got up and went back into my room. I stripped and laid down face first. I pulled a sheet over myself, mangled my pillow some and tried to settle in to sleep.

_Funnily enough, I drifted right off to sleep. And found myself walking the ramparts of the castle. I recognized this for what it was, a dream. I walked, wearing only a thin silk strappy nightgown. I walked and walked, seeming to go nowhere. After a while I found myself entering the keep, making my way through the hall, through the first door to Josephine’s office, then going down the stairs towards the kitchens. But.. Instead of going to the kitchens, I walked through a different doorway. I was curious. I had never been to this part of the keep before. I walked down the hallway, and found another door. Inside, the walls were lined with stone bookshelves, with very old looking books lining them. I ran my finger across some of their bindings, feeling old magic there. At the end of the room, was a large ornate desk. With a huge book open on a bookstand. I walked to the book, and there on the pages was an old elven story about Fen’Harel. The Dread Wolf. It told the story of how he had played the Old Gods against each other, then being wiley and crafty, he defeated them. Thus ending their reign. I could only read some of it. There were things about Mythal, and how she had died a terrible death.. But can a goddess truly die? I tried reading more, but the words started to move on the page. I blinked and they vanished. Leaving an empty book. I picked it up, turned the pages and found .. Nothing. I put the book on the desk next to the book stand, and went to look around. Then I felt it. I was being watched. I turned, slowly. Solas. Standing there, leaning against a bookshelf like he had been there the entire time. “How did you get here?” he asked me, his voice quiet._

_“Honestly I don’t know. I was walking then.. Found myself walking here.” I could feel it, he was really here. This wasn't some manifestation of my imagination. I wondered if he knew the same._

_“I come here to study these old texts,” he states, pushing away from the shelf and walking towards me. I backed up into the desk, but I had nowhere to go._

_“Is this really in the keep? Or.. Am I in your dream?” I asked._

_“Oh it's real. This exact place is in one of our heads but this room and the books exist.” He stood in front of me, his arms across his chest. I lifted my head, just enough to look defiant._

_“Will you let me pass? Or.. Was there something else you wanted of me?” I asked. A draft of cold air fluttered through the room, grazing my skin, causing my nipples to harden beneath my nightgown. And of course.. He noticed before I could cross my own arms over them. His eyes barely widened but I could seen his body stiffen. Goosebumps ran across my skin._

_He took another step towards me. His feet nearly touching mine. I looked up at him, saying nothing. He furrowed his brow. I reached out to smooth it, just a light touch of my fingers. He closed his eyes and sighed. He moved to let me past, but I couldn't move to leave._

_“Solas.”_

_That's all I could say. A million questions and statements in one word. His name. His eyes narrowed. I stepped towards him, raising both my hands to his face. “Would you have me beg?” I whisper. He shakes his head, tries to turn away. I block him with my body, causing him to bump into my chest._

_“You have no idea what you ask of me,” he says, his voice low._

_I raise an eyebrow, tilt my head to the side. And wait. Another draft of air hits us, causing me to shiver, my nipples hardening again. I sigh, and start to walk away. I get to the end of the first set of shelves when I feel his hands on my shoulders. I stop walking. Waiting._

_“Please,” he says quietly in my ear, his body coming to rest against my back. He was gloriously warm. He wraps an arm around the front of me, just beneath my breasts, his hand hot through my gown. I shiver, though not from cold. He pulls me tighter against him, I could feel his arousal against my back. I smiled to myself. Not so stoic after all was he?_

_He walks us backwards until we're back by the desk. I turn my head to look up at him, and his hand comes up to grasp my chin, his mouth taking mine. I give a little whimper, my mouth opening under his, his tongue sweeping in. And he held me like that, his right arm caging against him, his left holding my face and his mouth ravaging mine. Heat was flooding my body, and I couldn't have moved even if I had wanted to. He eventually pulled his mouth off mine, and my eyes opened to find him staring down at me. I turned in his arm, put my hands to his face and pulled his mouth back to mine, pressing my body against him. He wrapped both arms around me, holding me close, me on my toes to reach his mouth. I poured all I had been holding back into this kiss. Every yearning, every need. As we kissed he turned us until my legs were against the desk. He pulled away and lifted me to sit on the book stand on the desk. I frowned. He just shook his head, lifted the gown until it was just above my knees, and parted my legs enough to move between them. He put his hands on my hips and lowered his forehead to mine._

_“This isn't right,” he whispered raggedly._

_“Nothing has ever felt more right in my entire life, Solas.”_

_I raised my hands, hook my thumbs through the straps of my gown and slip them off my shoulders. The material clung to my breasts, just, barely. He raised his hands and slid them down my arms, dragging the straps and the gown with them. His breath caught when he looked down. My own breath caught at the look on his face. He put his hands on my ribs, slowly rising, until he cupped a breast in each palm. His hands were so hot, my heart was racing, and I couldn't move. He whispered, “Shayde..” I looked up at him, and his mouth took mine again, his hands caressing me gently. I sighed into his mouth, my hands gripping the desk. He kissed me fiercely, his tongue dancing against mine, and when he pulled away again, he gently bit my lower lip. I opened my eyes, silently begging him to continue. He removed his hands, only to place them on my legs. He slowly slid them up my thighs, taking my gown with them. I put my hands on his, guiding them higher. He stopped. I looked up at him, raising my hands to his belt, unfastening it, letting it fall to the floor. I pulled up his tunic, baring his stomach, then chest to my eyes. He pulled it over his head and dropped it. I ran my hands down his chest, to the waist of his pants. I grasped the pants and pulled him closer, his legs against my inner thighs. He grasped my shoulders, his mouth crushing mine again. As he kissed me, my hands untied his pants, caressed him through them. I pulled him closer, his chest smooth and hot against my breasts. I wrap my arms around his back, my legs opening wider. His hands moved down to grasp my butt, drawing me to him, his body pressing into mine. I moaned into his mouth, then pulled away long enough to ask, “Do you wish to stop?” I could have kicked myself, but after his reluctance earlier I couldn't.. Not ask._

_“I cannot. You, you mean too much. Will you have me?”_

_I nodded. His hand slipped between my legs, touching me. His fingers parted me, and found my arousal wet and hot. He slid his thumb around my clit, tiny perfect circles, and slid a finger down.. And inside me. I gasped. My head rolled back,  my eyes closing as he drove me higher with just his hand. His mouth found my breast, his tongue licking my nipple, sucking it into his mouth. His other hand raised to the same breast, lifting it, his mouth drawing it farther in.. I whimpered again. He released my breast, moving to kneel between my legs, his lips kissing one thigh, then the other. Higher, he kissed my legs again. He reached up with one hand, parted me, before running his tongue up my slit, to circle around my clit. He gently sucked it into his mouth, his tongue rubbing it back and forth. I can’t stop myself from squirming, wave after wave of heat rushing through me with each stroke of his tongue. He slips a finger inside me, his mouth still caressing my clit. I moan as he licks and pulls, rubbing back and forth with his tongue, his finger driving in.. and out of me. I start to shake, my stomach clenching. His tongue was relentless, driving me higher and further. Crying out, I came, his fingers still inside me, his mouth still licking me as my body clenched on his fingers, throbbing and shaking. I was clutching at the desk with my hands, my legs still trembling. Every swipe of his tongue made me twitch and shudder. I heard him chuckle._

_Raising my head I looked down at him, his eyes meeting mine. He gave one last swipe at me with his tongue, causing me to whimper again. He started to stand, his eyes never leaving mine. When he was standing over me, I reached for his pants, opening them and freeing him. Staring into his eyes I grasped his cock, hard, hot, so soft. He grips my hips, pulls us closer, his mouth ever so lightly kissing mine. My eyes never closed, neither did his. I could see so much there, desire, vulnerability, satisfaction, and something much deeper. My eyes widened. His closed, his mouth claiming mine, my hands slowly stroking his cock. His hips thrust his cock further into my hands, until he growled and grabbed my hands, pulling them behind my back. I pulled my mouth away, and he pushed my legs further apart with his legs. His cock nudged me, just resting against my entrance._ _  
_ _“I am going to take you, Vhenan,” he whispered harshly. I nodded, silently begging him. He held my arms behind me, arching my back toward him, my breasts against his chest. He thrust his hips, burying himself hilt deep inside me. I moaned. Couldn’t help it. Felt like I was on fire, my heart racing. He released my hands, allowing me to grasp his shoulders as he started to thrust, withdrawing.. Then thrusting his cock deeply, slow and tantalizing. “Ma vhenan, you slay me,” he whispered raggedly. I smiled at him, grasping his face, drawing it to mine. I looked in his eyes, as his thrusting ceased, buried inside me. “You, Solas, are mine.” I stated it. Made no question of it. Then I kissed him, his hands going to my butt again, holding my hips still, as he started to move in me again. Slow.. then faster. His mouth devouring mine. I moaned into his mouth, as he drove me ever closer to a second orgasm. I pulled my mouth from his, “Solas, please,” I whispered._

_“Please what, my love?” He all but stopped moving, his face above mine. Sweat beaded his brow, his arms shaking around me. His breath as ragged as mine. It seemed a challenge._

_“Give me release,” I demanded. I laid back against the bookstand, propped on my elbows. I hooked my feet behind his ass, dropped my head back and waited. I was shaking, he was shaking. We were both so close. His head dropped to my chest, between my breasts, his hands grasping my hips, withdrew his cock almost completely, then thrust it back in, moving us both. Then again, and again. Faster then, as I started to writhe beneath him. His mouth started kissing my skin beneath my ribs, nips of his teeth, licks to sooth the sting. I started to tense beneath him, feeling the delicious pressure building. I cried out, as my orgasm took me. My stomach muscles clenching, my inner muscles clutching at his cock as it still moved inside me. He yelled then, something close to a howl, as he slid one last time into me, releasing his seed, hot and throbbing inside me._

_He pressed his face to my chest, his breathing as ragged as mine. My hands cradled his head, as I tried to calm my own breath. I tried to wrap my head around what I was feeling, but it was.. Just too great._

_Solas raised his head, looked up at me, a wry smile on his lips. I smiled back and closed my eyes._

And woke up in my bed. Gasping, I sat up, clutching the sheet to my chest. I looked down, I was drenched in sweat, my nightgown completely gone. I laid back down and stared at the ceiling, drowning in my thoughts.

How much of that had happened? Was it all.. In my head? Did we walk the fade together and.. ? Was I drawn into his dream? What. Was. That?!

**\---**

I walked down the stairs, dressed in leather pants and a loose shirt, a blanket around me. I wandered to the rotunda, intent on finding Solas. I walked in, could see his hand on the side of his chair at the desk. I quietly walked toward him, until I was next to him. He had his head in his hand, his eyes closed. I kneeled next to his chair, reached out and traced his lip with my thumb. His eyes opened, focused on my face. He took a deep breath. “So, here you are.”

I nodded. He grabbed my hand in his, raised it back to his lips. Kissed it softly. I smiled.

He shook his head. “You, ma vhenan, are dangerous,” he said softly. I laughed quietly.

“Solas, what happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. I can see it on your face, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

He sighed. “It wasn’t real,” he started. I laughed. “I lost my nightgown, Solas. I went to bed wearing one, blue satin, soft and my favorite. It was gone when I woke. Not on the floor, or in my bed. Gone.” He looked down at his lap, avoiding my eyes.  
“Solas, I can feel, physically, feel.. What we did. I have bruises on my hips. From your hands.”  
I stood up, moved closer to his chair, dropped the blanket, and lifted my shirt. There, on my very light skin, were 5 stark bruises on my hip. I grasped his hand, brought it to my side, and his fingers matched their size perfectly. I held his hand there, hot on my skin. “Your hands, Solas. Your hands, your mouth. You, inside me,” I whispered. He brought his other hand up, to my other hip. Drew me closer, and pressed his face to my stomach. I put my hand on his head, and waited.

“This could end so badly,” he whispered, his breath hot against my stomach. I sighed.

“How will we know? I could die tomorrow, you could.. We could beat Corypheus and live through this catastrophe I call my life. But.. what is worth living for if not.. This? I have never ever.. Felt this way before, Solas. You feel it. You feel it too, I can feel it in you.” I closed my eyes, raised my head to hide my face from him. A single tear escaped my eye, ran into my hair.

I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt tight and I felt like I had just handed him the world. I had to go. Waiting for him to tell me no, was worse than not knowing at all. I pushed him away, mumbled something about being sorry, and ran. I could hear him call after me.. But I just, I ran through the door leading outside, across the walkway and without even thinking about it ran through Cullen’s office, off to the left, down the stairs to the stables. I got my red hart, Ruby, from the stable boy, heedless of how I looked or what I sounded like. I told the boy to tell Cassandra I would be back soon. And I rode out of the keep, alone, unarmed and trying not to break down crying.

I rode for an hour, found a copse of trees that felt right. There was magic here. I slowed Ruby, and patted her head. We stopped, and I dismounted. I kissed the hart, asking her to stay close and safe. She understood me, nudging me towards the trees.  
Barefoot, I walked through the ring of trees. I touched each one, closing my eyes and listening. I could feel the magic in the air, whispering around me. A powerful elven mage had been here, with her love, many, many years ago. Long before I had been born. I listened to the trees. They had run away, elves fleeing those would see them apart forever. They had laid here, in the circle of dappled sunlight, and given themselves over to their passion. My breath hitched. After they spent their day in love, they were killed by human soldiers. While sleeping, they had died in each other’s arms. I knelt on the ground, placed my hands on the grass, and fed some magic into the ground. I could feel the.. Spirits? Of the two who had perished here, feel peace. And their love washed over me before dissipating into the air. I laid on the grass then, staring at the sky through the trees. I raised a small shield around me, just a last ditch effort at privacy. And I cried. I curled onto my side, buried my face in my shirt and cried. After a while, after crying and thinking and crying some more, I sat up and stretched. Ruby was laying on the grass near me, resting in the sun. I let the shield down, and reached out to pet her. She nuzzled my hand. I got up, she followed suit. I went to her and she knelt for me to mount. I mounted and we headed back to the keep. As I rode, I thought of what I would say. To anyone. To _him._ I was not this emotional person. My Keeper training had helped me lock this all away. But for some reason, he broke all those barriers and I couldn’t explain it. I felt completely exposed, when I wasn’t even near him.

As I neared the keep, the sun started to set. I rode in silently, the guard at the gate just saluting me. I rode to the stable and handed her off to the yawning stable boy. She nudged the back of my head as I turned to go. I turned back and she just laid her head on my shoulder. The stable boy stood there staring at me, slackjawed. “How’d you do that, yer Worship?”

I smiled and told him some elves have a way with the animals. I left him there petting Ruby. He was asking her if she loved him that much.

I made my way through the keep, not stopping to talk to anyone. I asked one of the serving girls if she would let Cassandra know I was back and would talk to her tomorrow.. She ran off, thrilled I had even deigned to talk to her. I sighed and walked into the keep. I could feel Solas standing in the doorway to the rotunda. I glanced at him as I walked through the hall. But I didn’t stop. I lowered my head and kept walking. I made it to my room, locked my door and went up the stairs. I found another nightgown, changed, grabbed another blanket and went to stand on my balcony. The wind pulled at me, fluttering through my hair, around my legs. I turned back to my room, to see Solas standing at the top of the stairs.

I turned away, feeling far too raw to do this while looking at him. I could feel him walk up behind me. He put his arms around me, pulling me against his body. I sighed, leaned my head back against his shoulder. He kissed my head.

“You, love, you change everything,” he said quietly. I stayed silent. “I don’t know what will come of this, but you have me. Body, heart and soul. I, ma vhenan, am yours.” I turned in his arms, wrapping mine around him, looking up at him. He kissed me, just settling his lips on mine. And it said so much more than his words had. Pulling away, he grabbed my hand and led me to the bed. Took the blanket I was wearing, and asked me to lay on the bed. As he climbed in after me, he says softly, “Tonight, we sleep.” I grunted. Sleep. Peh. He stretched out on the bed, on his back. He pulled me close, settling my head on his chest, near his heart. My hand rested on his stomach, his hand tangling in my hair. I sigh, feeling the stress of the day leaving my body.  
“Solas?”

“Yes?”

“Please, don’t go,” I whispered.

“Never.”

And with that, I fell asleep. And for the first time in months, I slept all through the night, wrapped around Solas, in my bed, dreaming of running with wolves and really living.


	2. Daydreams and Dances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shayde continues to gain mastery over her newfound control over the fade, and experiments in fun new ways. Solas gives her a surprise, and the Inquisition heads to Hilamshiral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Between life, and Aurelia (another fic I'm doing) demanding time and mental energy, I had to set aside Shayde for a little bit. Hope you enjoy!

Shayde and Solas moved into this comfortable rhythm of sorts in the ensuing weeks. Going out, accomplishing things for the people and the Inquisition. Shayde worked tirelessly, to bring peace back to the region, closing rifts, saving the common people from the insanity gripping Thedas. Shayde dedicated herself to learning. Everything. She learned so much, from the Knight Enchanter trainer brought to Skyhold, and from Solas, and Dorian and Vivienne. More from Dorian and Solas, truth be told, as she felt the most comfortable with them. Since she is a First, or was, she really hadn’t been much involved with any of their soldiers. So the military approach of the Knight Enchanter trainer was a little off putting.  
She worked with Leliana, Cullen and Josephine to right the wrongs of the Templars and Mages alike, making political alliances and toppling people with power who shouldn’t have it. The Iron Bull wasn’t much interested in her magic, but they had the most fascinating conversations about their peoples, the Qun, the old Elven gods. Dorian and her ignored the fact that his own country subjugated her people regularly as slaves. Because to them, they weren’t the whole of their peoples. His own words, “I enjoy the company of men. As in sexually and more.” She saw no issue with this but apparently his parents could. She is the First in a clan that is currently fighting with the ruler of lands near where they are camped, and was currently overseeing a mostly human group of people trying to right the world. They understood each other in a way most others wouldn’t.

She learned a great deal in the following weeks, magically and otherwise. Her skills as a Knight Enchanter were extraordinary, as she had a stronger connection than usual to the fade with the anchor. She was also learning how to traverse the fade, Solas at her side. She found that she could enter the fade with her subconscious almost instantaneously, with no effort. Her and Solas explored, far and wide. Meeting spirits, finding fascinating things. And they found each other. They loved each other there, in that secret place only they could get to. Long lazy nights, spent wrapped up in each other.  
They were inseparable. Solas accompanied Shayde everywhere outside of Skyhold, acting as a partner in all of her interactions with the world. She was taking the world by storm, and he was helping her do it.  
  
**Shayde, in The War Room -**

I stood there listening as they made plans to go to the Winter Palace for the peace talks, just letting them figure it out. I had never been to a Masquerade ball before. So I had never been to a ball at all before. Or been near so many Orlesian Nobles. Which was a fairly scary thought by itself.  
I coughed. Everyone looked at me. “So is no one going to address the fact that you all want me, a Dalish Apostate Mage, to go marching into the Winter Palace, with Gaspard. Who happens to be at war with his cousin, Celene. Who may or may not have had her own elven lover? Does anyone else see how badly this could go?”

Cullen looked thoughtful, Josie went to write on her never ending list, and Leliana responded. “You are the best hope for securing peace for Orlais, elf or no. Mage or no. We will be by your side, and will protect you if need be.” I laughed.  
“I can protect myself plenty. But, I’m an _elf._ Will they all just treat me like a servant, or will I be attacked for being what I am?” I shook my head.

“Oh, I am sure there are those there that will be completely horrible. They are nobles after all. But, you are the Inquisitor. You can be quietly scornful and put them back in their place. It’s all part of the Game.”  
I snorted. “The Game sounds as fun as having a Halla stab you in the face with her horns.” Cullen laughed. Josie made tsk’ing noises and Leliana just raised an eyebrow. I sighed. “Can I at least get a dress or something?” Josie perked up. “Vivienne and I have a seamstress in Val Royeaux that we can bring to the castle and have her make you something!”  
Leliana gasped, “And I have a friend who is a cobbler and her and her husband make the most _divine_ shoes!”  
Cullen just grunted. I nodded to Josie. “Please? Can we do that?” She nodded excitedly. She hurried out of the room, writing furiously on her paper. Leliana bowed to leave the room as well. Cullen cleared his throat and asked, “Are you going to be alright amongst all of those dreadful people?”

I smirked. “I will be fine. Thank you though. You are kind to ask.” He just coughed and went back to studying the table. I took my leave, walking back through the keep. I made my way to the rotunda and found Solas sitting on the floor with Cole. They were discussing spirits. Solas moved to get up and I just gestured for him to stay. I walked over to him and pressed a kiss to his head before continuing up the stairs to find Dorian. He was sitting in a chair reading a book. It looked like a .. romance novel? I tilted my head to the side to see what it was and he caught me looking. He quickly closed it and stuck it between his leg and the chair. I laughed. “So, you read those too? And here I thought Cassandra was the only one!”

“How little you know about your people, Inquisitor,” he replied, a smirk beneath his lovely mustache. He moved to get up, trying to nonchalantly cover the book with a pillow. I just looked at him like I would a child sneaking candy. He had the grace to hang his head and offer a little explanation. “It’s just a silly book about a Qunari and his handsome man-friend.” I pursed my lips, wondering if I should read more into the ‘Qunari with his man-friend’ thing. “Is there .. _someone_ .. you are interested in, Dorian?” I asked sweetly. He barked a laugh, trying to cover his embarrassment. “I, well to tell you the truth, I’m not sure yet. We are still in the awkward stage of flirting that sounds ridiculous.” I just nodded, silent agreement better than more questions it would seem.  
“Anyway, what did you come up here for? Other than to gaze upon my magnificence,” he asked, desperate to change the subject. I laughed. “I wanted to work on those texts you mentioned, the ones about the fade-walkers in Antiva.”

He nodded, and went to a shelf to retrieve them. “Where shall we work, my lady?”

I took his arm and we made our way up the stairs to the rookery, then out the side door to a nearly always empty walkway above the keep. I sat on a pile of blankets I had purloined for this spot. He sat next to me. And we spent an hour or two lost in the texts, discussing different aspects of the fade-walkers abilities, what could be feasible, and what was obviously made up. We found an interesting passage about how when a place had old memories, and the veil was thin, one with enough finesse in the fade could affect those outside of it. We read how the person in the journal accomplished it, how he went about his holdings and was able to affect people and things, knocking a few things over, and actually interacting of a sort with a few of the other magic users. We looked at each other and both knew.. I had to try it. He was almost as excited as me. He arranged the blankets and had me lay down on them. Then he sat at my feet and walked me through the instructions. And I..

_Stepped into the Fade. I stood there, and I could see Dorian and my body, as if through a green fog. I reached out and tried to run my fingers on my right hand through Dorian’s perfectly coiffed hair. Nothing. But he did look around.. I tried again, really concentrated. Nope. Nothing. I looked down at my left hand, the mark there was glowing a serious bright green and pulsating a bit. I shrugged and used that hand. And.. his hair moved. He jumped and looked around._

“Shayde?” he asked, looking around but not seeing anything. His hair moved again, this eerie familiar feel to it. And he smiled, “You, my girl, are a very quick study! Now, go cause some trouble!”

 _I laughed, he looked so satisfied. I made my way through the door into the rookery, the birds all unsettled at my presence. I made my way down the stairs, and through the library to go down the next flight of stairs. There sat Solas, alone now. He was in his chair, seemingly lost in thought. I approached him and watched for a minute. Circled around his chair and desk, and thought of what I should try first. He looked around, like he had heard something. I approached the desk, and tried to push a paper off with my finger. It seemed to move right through the paper. I tried my left hand again. And the paper fluttered to the floor. Solas looked confused for a moment, bent and picked it up, setting it back on the desk. I moved to the other side, and pushed a quill off the desk. He looked around a bit, again trying to figure out what was going on. I was seriously trying not to laugh. This was.. Amazing. Heady. He picked up the quill and replaced it on the desk. I moved to the outside of the desk, opposite him. And I just started pushing one thing after another off the desk. Papers, a book, a rock, a corked inkwell. He stood up quickly and moved around the desk, looking to see what was happening._ _  
_ _He swept a hand out in front of him and it.. Passed right through my arm. He stopped moving.. And looked to where I was standing._

“Who is there?” he asked quietly, as he bent to pick up the things on the floor.

 _I moved to his chair. And using all the .. strength? I could muster, I pushed his chair away from the desk. It slid with a grinding sound, then stopped soundlessly. He was kneeling on the floor by the desk. Watching the chair. He stood up, walked to it, and just sat in the chair where it was. I moved up next to him and bent to kiss his head again. He shivered as my mouth invisibly grazed his skin. I reached out and grasped the tie on the neck of his tunic. Pulled the string, and watched the loose bow there slide apart. He took a deep breath, his hand moving to feel in front of his chest. I chuckled. This was far more fun than I thought it would be…_ _  
_ _I leaned forward and ran my finger down his chest. His breath caught, and his eyes dilated._

“Shayde.”

_It was a statement. He knew.. I waited to see what he would do. But he did nothing. So. So I continued. I stroked my finger down his stomach, to waist of his pants. Stopped. I dropped my hand to his thigh, stroked down his leg.._

“How are you doing this?” he asked quietly.

_I knelt in front of him on the floor. I reached out and caressed his face, his eyes closing at the feel of my hand. I ran it down his neck and just settled my palm on his chest. I couldn’t feel his heartbeat. He kept his eyes closed. I slid my hand down his chest, down his stomach. Back up. He chuckled, I could feel it, more than hear it. I stood back up and placed my hand on his cheek again and my mouth on his. He sighed at the feel of the incorporeal me. Shook his head, whispered a few words and seemed to .. fall asleep. I stood up and stared at him. What kind of game was this?_

_Then a hand grabbed my arm, I whipped my head around. Solas. I looked back behind me and.. No there he was in his chair. Asleep._ _  
_ _“You, vhenan, are very lucky I didn’t take you for a spirit.”_

_I just laughed. He shook his head and pulled me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around him, and his mouth found mine. Mine opened beneath his, his tongue reaching out to mine. It was a delicious kiss, hot and slow and languid. He held me close and kissed me like that for what seemed an eternity. He finally pulled his mouth from mine, and gazed down at me. “You never cease to amaze me,” he whispered. I smiled and kissed his nose. Pulled from his arms, and just left the room. Made my way back up the tower, and back out onto the walkway with Dorian. Ruffled his hair again before I stepped.._

Back into my body. I laid there for a minute, letting my brain adjust to being back in the real world. I blinked my eyes and opened them to find Dorian just staring at me.  
“Well that was marvelous!” he yelled when he saw I was waking up. “How was it? What did you see? What did you DO!?” he shot the questions at me, no room for breath in there anywhere. I laughed and moved to sit up, “It was amazing, Dorian! It took me a minute.. But I figured out how to move things!” He nodded, “Yes, I figured that from the way my hair had a mind of its own a few times.” I just smiled. He smiled back.  
“I made my way down to see Solas.” He said nothing but he leaned forward to hear better.  
“I, well, I couldn’t resist. Solas is a master in the fade. And there I was, without him. I knocked some stuff off of his desk. He seemed rather perturbed really.” Dorian laughed, picturing Solas trying to find whatever invisible annoyance was there.  
“I,” _cough_ , well Creators, I’m blushing.. “I, uhm, untied his shirt. And touched him. And he figured it out. Who was there.”

“You TOUCHED him!?”

“Nothing BAD Dorian!”  
“Well why the hell NOT?!”

And I lost it. I laughed, almost crying I laughed. He laughed with me, us both laying there on the walkway laughing for who knows how long. Then the door to the tower flew open, and there stood Solas, this look.. Primal? On his face. My heart instantly started hammering away in my chest.

“Oh my,” I hear Dorian whisper. “That is one sexy, angry elf.” I jabbed him with my elbow. He snorted behind me as I moved to get up. Solas held out his hand. I looked back at Dorian who made a shooing motion with his hand. I took Solas' outstretched hand and he pulled me into the tower, down both flights of stairs, through the main hall, to the door to my room. He took us through it and slammed it shut. He locked it and pulled me up the stairs to my room.

He stopped at the top of the stairs, seeming to contemplate what to do next.  He turned to me, “Now, it's my turn.” He led me to the bed. “Lay down,” he said. I did so, curious to see what he would do next. He slid the sandals from my feet, dropped them to the floor.

He stood and looked down at me laying there.

“I know all about that fade walking trick you learned today. I was wondering when you would find the book.” He began to pace at the foot of the bed.

“It was one of the first things I learned when I started to go on my dream adventures. I learned much from the spirits I encountered. Is there anything you wish to know?” I shook my head, and he nodded.

“As you wish. Now. I'm going to go sit on the couch. You stay where you are and close your eyes.”

I did, and I heard him sit on the couch and take a breath. I relaxed, waiting. Then I felt it, the slightest breeze on my arm. A hand on my hair, smoothing it away from my face.

 _Open your eyes_ I hear in my head. I did. And saw.. Nothing. Felt a touch graze my cheek, saw nothing. My heart started to pick up it's pace.

_Close them again.._

I do. And feel a touch on my neck, his hand circling the side of it. His other hand rested on my stomach.

_You're so fascinating_

I smiled, keeping my eyes closed. The hand on my stomach moved lower, to grip the bottom of my shirt and lift it. He lifted it enough to slide his hand under it, against my skin and up my ribs. I was tingling where he touched me, his other hand still on my neck. He then settled himself on top of me and I sighed. He kissed my neck, raising the hand inside of my shirt to graze the side of my breast. Goosebumps raced across my skin.

_Your skin is always so soft, and you smell of orchids and rain…_

I shivered. His hand on my neck moved, and I could feel it on my right hip, slipping between me and the bed to grab my butt. I gasped. Heart pounding, I waited. He parted my legs with one of his, then rubbed his arousal against me. I moaned.

_Ah. At least I'm not alone in this torment. Would you.. Like to join me?_

I nodded. He whispered in my ear, words I didn't recognize.

_And there I was. In the fade in his arms. He smiled down at me._

_“There you are,” I whisper. He brushes my hair away from my face again. He ran his thumb down the side of my face._

_“You learned so quickly, it's amazing how fast you learn.”_

_“It can't be that fast, I still have yet to get you to be with me outside of the fade.” I almost regretted saying it.. But I had wondered. He closed his eyes and rested is forehead against mine. “Things are easier for me here.. For now. Please, vhenan. Let it be?” I nodded. He looked.. Taxed. I moved my head and kissed his lips. He relaxed against me and kissed me back. His lips were soft and hot and they melted something deep inside me. I brought my hands up to frame his face, holding it to mine, our lips a hot tangle of nerves and tongues. His hands slid down my side, then underneath me to grip my butt. I moaned into his mouth, and he nudged my legs apart to nestle between them. His weight on me was heavenly. I felt.. Cherished. He pulled his mouth away and looked down at me. Then he sat up, kneeling between my knees. He lifted his shirt off, then leaned down to unbutton mine. One button at a time. Every button he opened, he kissed the skin he bared. His lips marking me as his. He worked his way up my stomach. My chest, between my breasts. My collar bone. My neck. His hands parted my shirt, his hands splayed on my stomach. He slid his hands down to the waist of my pants, hooked his fingers into them and started to slide them from my hips. I lifted my hips to help, and he slid them down my legs. He leaned over me then, propped up on his elbows above me._ _  
_ _“You are.. I have no words. Emma sa’lath.” His mouth came down to mine, a light kiss. I ran my hands down his chest, to the waist of his pants. I slid my fingers inside, and his stomach muscles clenched above my fingers. I untied his pants, my fingers grazing his arousal. His breath caught, his eyes dark and deep above mine. I just looked up at him. He pushed away, stood and removed his pants, stood there looking at me. While I laid there looking at him. His skin, white and pristine, muscles far more defined than that demure tunic he wears at Skyhold alludes to. It felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, and he just.. Stared at me. I started to blush under the scrutiny, and moved to cover myself._   
_“Please.. Don’t.” He reached out a hand for mine, and I took it. He pulled me to my knees, sliding my shirt off my shoulders. “You are so beautiful, and you shine with this light. It humbles me that you share yourself with me.”_

_I looked down, hoping he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. He put his hand under my face, lifting it back to his, his mouth covering mine. I sighed into his mouth, closing my eyes and letting him lead the way. He slid his hands down my back to my hips, leaving a hot trail of goosebumps in their wake. I shivered in his arms, and he smiled against my mouth. I put my arms around him, drawing myself close to his body, warm against me. My hands slid down to grip his butt, and he followed suit on mine. And we stood there, tongues tangled, our bodies plastered together. His arousal very apparent between us. He pushed me back onto the bed again, laid down next to me, facing me. I turned onto my left side to face him, pillowing my head on my arm. “Solas?”_

_“Yes?”_

_“Kiss me?” I whisper. He smiles, and leans forward, taking my mouth with his. He wraps his right arm around my back, pulling me against his chest. I put my hand on his hip, my brain going all fuzzy at the feel of his body against mine. He ran his hand down my back, across my butt and down the back of my thigh, raising my leg to rest on his. His mouth ravaged mine, his tongue drawing mine into his mouth, ah the man was infuriating. This slow.. Slow seduction would be the death of me._

_He brought his hand up from my leg, pressed against my butt, scooting my pelvis closer to his. He pulled his mouth from mine and watched my face as his very aroused cock rubbed against me, the friction causing me to moan, his heat sending shivers through me. My eyes barely stayed focused on him, and he seemed pleased at what he saw in my face. He did it again, just this slow rub against my sex, and I shook in his arms. He took my mouth again and guided himself to my entrance, and while his mouth ravaged mine, he slowly slid his cock into me. His hand held my leg against him, and he started to slowly thrust his hips. This slow glide, his cock so hot and soft, slowly torturing me, from the inside out. His tongue still warred with mine, meeting the tempo his hips set, and my brain was going all dark and amazing. He pulled his mouth away and rolled me back onto the bed, and while still buried deep inside me, he knelt between my legs, his hands on my hips. I watched his face, so fascinating. His eyes were dark and deep and he seemed almost too aware.. He slid a hand up my stomach and grasped my left breast as he started to move inside me again. One thrust.. Two. Ah he felt like hot velvet inside me.._

_Three thrusts.. Four. His hand was kneading and pulling my nipple, flooding my stomach with heat. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel._

_Thrusting a fifth time, then a sixth. I covered my face with my hands, gasping as he pressed deeper and deeper. I felt his hand leave my hip, then his finger was on my clit, rubbing and circling it, making me jerk on the bed. He chuckled as my stomach quivered in time with his hand, his hips still thrusting.. Ah Creators, he was going to kill me. His hand on my breast spread out on my chest, right below my breasts, holding me still, as he started to thrust faster. His thumb continued to rub at my clit, and my whole body was on fire. I couldn’t keep quiet, moaning and trying to move, the pressure building was so so intense.. I felt his hand leave my stomach, and I looked up at him, he held his hand out. I grasped it and he pulled me up against him, his cock still inside me. I sighed as my chest crushed against his, and he buried his face in my neck. And he wrapped both of his arms around me.. His hands on my butt and he thrust faster. I gripped his neck with my hands, my head falling back as he drove us closer to the edge.. His mouth blazed a trail up my neck, eventually reaching my ear._

_“You. Are. Mine.” he whispered in my ear. I gasped as his voice sent chills down my back, and with that.. I came. A hard, rolling orgasm that had me crying out and shudder in his arms. He groaned, as my orgasm sent him into his own, my body clenching on his cock, hot and throbbing, spilling his seed inside me. He gripped me close, his body still moving. And with every movement I gasped. He kissed my neck, and I turned my face to his, and he captured my mouth with his. A slow languid kiss that melted me even further than his loving me already had._

_Still kissing me, he laid us back down on the bed. His body heavy on mine, his mouth slowly taking what energy I had left. Pulling away, he looked down at me. I just smiled up at him._

_“Why me?” he asked, surprising us both. I thought for a minute._

_“Something in you.. Calls to me. I'm not sure what it is. But it resonates.. Deep inside me. It's hard to explain,” I paused. “It's like something in me.. Recognized you. Or part of you.” I didn't know any other way to put it. I kissed him once more and told him it was time to go. He sighed, kissed my forehead…_

And I woke up alone in my bed. He was sitting up and stretching on the couch. He smiled at me, a wry smile. I patted the bed next to me. He got up and came to the bed. Sat next to me, and I moved over to lay my head on his lap. I looked up at him, his eyes so serious. I reached up and traced his lip with my thumb. “Are you alright?” I asked.

He nodded. “Tell me a story,” he says. He then closed his eyes and leaned back against the headboard. I took his hand and entwined my fingers in his.  
“When I was a little girl, around the time my power began to manifest, my clan had this old statue of Fen’Harel, that we would put by the entrance to our camps. The statue was very old, and barely resembled Fen’Harel by the time I was old enough to recognize him for what he is. But, it was a beautiful statue. Made of obsidian, with serpentstone eyes, the statue was gorgeous. I spent.. I spent hours with it. I would sit there and read my magical texts. I would talk to him, for hours. I told him everything.. How it felt when my power finally came through, what learning about the old elven ways was like. I told him about arguments I had with the Keeper about us stepping back into the world and how broken our history was. There were times, that statue felt like my only friend. My Keeper worried about its influence over me. But my mother argued it was just a statue. But it wasn’t. Not to me. I _felt_ Fen’Harel there. I felt him. And my Keeper tried to get rid of the statue once. Deshanna - the Keeper - she, she had the clan hunters take the statue out into the wilderness in the Free Marches. And left it there. We moved on, and by the time I noticed the absence, she told me it was too far away to retrieve.” I sighed. The memory still stung, it had felt like leaving a close friend behind.  
I was devastated, and Deshanna couldn’t understand why.

Solas was looking down at me with this odd expression. “What happened then?” he asked, his voice soft.  
“Well, it was very odd. The next morning, when I awoke, there sat the statue. Next to my bedroll, like it had never been gone. Not by the entrance to the camp, or near the halla pens. No, it was next to my bedroll. Deshanna was angry at me, told me I had done something to bring it back, and even though my mother had been there with me, for a while Deshanna was thinking of replacing me as her First. It was all.. Just strange. I was glad the statue was back, because.. He felt like mine. Deshanna let me keep the statue, and kept me on as her first. Especially as my powers grew and proved me the most capable. I.. I kept him. And as I became an adult.. I kept him. Told him everything, hopes, fears, how lonely I was. And I felt like he was listening. Which is silly and childish.” I rolled onto my side, facing away from his face. Embarrassed. I had never told anyone about the statue. Deshanna was going to send it to me once things settled down in Wycome. I sighed.  
“Do.. do you miss your statue, Shayde?” he asked quietly, his fingers stroking my hair. I nodded. It was silly. But I did.  
“Not as much so now, though,” I whispered, before I could stop myself.

“Oh? Why not now?” he asked.

“Well. You.”  
“Me?” he sounded surprised. I nodded my head against his leg. Closed my eyes and hoped the bed would swallow me. “How do I fit into all that?”

I sighed again. “You feel like home. Not with the clan. Not in the wilderness. Your presence.. It feels like home. You listen to me. And you teach me, and you talk to me like I am a person. Not the Inquisitor. Or the Herald. But me. Shayde. You fill whatever void that silly statue left.”

Silence. His fingers were still stroking my hair, and I felt stupid for saying anything.

“Your statue. What else did you do with _him_?” he asked me.

“I.. told him everything. How I was afraid of being alone forever.. Because none of the men in our clan were even remotely interesting, and most of them were afraid of me. I would practice non-combat magic on him.. Lifting it or moving it. I turned him purple one day. I felt rather guilty.. Poor purple Fen’Harel,” and I laughed. That was a fun day. I had found some new spells that day, in an older book we managed to talk a Noble in Wycome. When the spell went awry, the statue had turned a bright plum purple. The eyes were still a glittering serpentstone green, and seemed almost perturbed at my spell failing so spectacularly. Even Deshanna had laughed at that one.

“That night I dreamt of a purple man chasing me through the forest, a pack of purple wolves running with us. But it didn’t feel.. Malevolent? It felt like a game. I don’t know what it was. I think I am done talking for now.” I buried my face against his legs. I could hear his chuckle.

“I could imagine _your_ Fen’Harel was amused at the situation, if he were aware of you.” He sounded wistful. “Tell me, did he visit your dreams often?”

I nodded again. “He visited me often.. In his wolf form. At least I think it was him. A giant beautiful black and grey wolf… and sometimes in the right light he would seem to have 6 eyes. But he was always there. When I slept, he would be there and we would explore my dreams. Or the fade. I don’t know.”

“You sound sad, vhenan.”

“I wonder sometimes if he.. Ah this is stupid. Can we talk about something else?”

“No, you brought this up. Tell me. Please?”

“I just wonder sometimes, if he had been real.. If he has actually missed me.”  
“Ah. Well, I daresay anyone would miss you, Shayde. If they knew you. The way I do.” He coughed. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me back towards him. He pulled me up onto his lap. “You, you’re special. Even before you got the mark you were special. Can’t you see that?” I just shook my head. His hand moved to cradle my face. “I see it. For now, maybe that's all that matters. Shayde?” I quirk an eyebrow.

“I think Fen’Harel was aware of you. That's what your Keeper feared. Though she fears for naught. You were likely never in any danger.” He kissed me then. His hand holding my face to his, a bit of desperation lacing the emotion under it. I watched him through the kiss, trying to understand him. He pulled away, and sighed. “I have a few things to do before nightfall. Shall I meet you here tonight?” he asks.

“Of course. Are you alright, Solas?”

He nods, kisses my forehead and I slide off his lap, climb to my feet. He stands by the bed a moment, stretching. I walk up behind him, press my face to his back and wrap my arms around his chest. “Thank you for listening to me,” I whisper. His hands covered mine. “I will always listen to you.”

Such finality.

**The Next Day -**

Dorian, Leliana and Josephine were leading me through Val Royeaux. We had been to two dress shops, and were on our way to Vivienne’s personal seamstress. I had picked some royal purple velvet, dark teal silk and silver “stuff” to put on whatever dress we ended up having made? I was confused. I had thought a simple black dress. But.. Apparently as the Herald Of Andraste AND the Inquisitor.. If I was going to wear a dress.. I needed to be dressed “impeccably royal”. Whatever that meant.

I had an idea, however. Something that hugged my body, as I had a feeling anything poofy and ridiculous like the Orlesian noble ladies wore.. Would look insanely stupid on me. I'm so small compared to them. Those dresses would swallow me whole. But.. A form fitting dress. Purple for the main body of the dress, a leaf layered bodice, with the teal silk as the leaves, and a smattering of the leaves ‘falling’ down the dress. One long sleeve, the other shoulder and arm bare. Most of the back bare with a silver cord tying it together. And.. silver flat sandals that laced up my calves. Because I wasn’t going to even try and wear heeled anythings, as I had never had the opportunity before and didn’t wish it now.  
Vivienne was rather impressed by the bold choices I made, and applauded my sense of what would fit my body type (which was utterly unlike her voluptuous one). She acted like she was complimenting a 10 year old, and I tried to not take offense. I was an anathema to most people. It didn’t matter if I hadn’t been THAT sheltered. Ok maybe it mattered a little to me. I didn’t worry however, I was going to be the talk of the ball in that gown, Dorian and Solas were coming along with me, as well as The Iron Bull. Talk about going in with mayhem on my mind.

The next day, we were having a dress fitting in my room. I stood on a stool and this amazingly adorned woman was measuring and pinning things to me. Her hair.. Was shaped like a really spectacular peacock. And her shoes.. How did she walk in those?!

“These colors look absolutely divine with your pale hair! And your dewy skin, is it always so light? How do you keep it so light??” She asked me in her beautiful Orlesian accent.  
“Well, I was born that way. Honestly. No amount of sunlight made a difference, other than to occasionally burn me, then fade back to nearly ghostly in color. I was born with white hair as well. Some older elven legends say white hair means destined for greatness.” The seamstress clucked over me. “You are a magnificent specimen! I look forward to watching you take that Masquerade Ball and set it on its ear!” I just laughed a bit and blushed. I wasn’t magnificent. Not really so. Striking maybe? But magnificent? Probably not. After another hour, she was done fussing over me. One of the page boys brought me a message to go see Solas before leaving the keep for the day. I sighed.  
After dressing in a long dark blue tunic and some gray leather pants, I found a black vest and slipped on some black boots. I hastily combed through my hair with my fingers, and made my way to the rotunda.  
When I entered, I was shocked to see the wall mural was more than half done. “Solas! This is.. Beautiful. Serene and powerful and haunting! Where did you learn to paint like this?” I asked, my mouth nearly hanging to my chest in astonishment. He chuckled at me and motioned me to come close.  
“I have a present for you, Vhenan. Would you like to see it?” he asked, a glint in his eyes. I nodded. Presents! I loved presents! Mostly because.. They were few and far between before. He took my hand and led me out of the rotunda, out of the main hall and all the way to the stables. “Is Ruby ready?” he asked the stable hand. The boy brought Ruby to us, and handed a small satchel to Solas. “She is certainly excited to go, Ser. Enjoy your ride!” the stable boy exclaimed. He motioned for me to mount, him following suit behind me. I had never ridden with a second rider. He was really.. Close to me. Like his pelvis pressed against my butt. I blushed and let him take the reigns. He led is out of the keep, down the bridge and into the forest. After riding for a bit, he slowed Ruby down, and we came into a clearing. The same clearing I had come to weeks before.

I looked back at him and arched an eyebrow. “I've been here before…” He nodded. “That you have. I can feel the magic you released here. It has a signature.. Yours. I noticed it a while back when I was wandering the fade one evening by myself. You were kind to the spirits trapped here. They, welcomed your kindness. And so did the land. Look,” he pointed to a new influx of green growth around the clearing. He dismounted and held his hands up for me. I swung my leg over Ruby's shoulders and slid down into his waiting arms. He grasped my hand and we walked to the new greenery. It was beautiful. This fascinating mix of Andraste’s Grace, Crystal Grace, Arbor Blessing and even an odd smattering of Dawn Lotus and Prophets Laurel. A random bunch of flowers that would otherwise never grow together.. All arranged and growing in a.. Wondrous display of color and fragrance.

I leaned down and caressed a few of the leaves, sniffing the air near the flowers. Their fragrances blended in the air beautifully. I wove some magic into the air around the plants, some growth.. Some protection. I looked up to see Solas staring at me, his face fairly inscrutable. “Yeeess?” I asked, drawing out the word.

“Do you even realize you do that everywhere we go? Weave protections and heal things and you.. Pour loving magic into the world. It's fascinating to watch.”

I stood back up, brushing off my pants. “What did you bring me here for?” I ask quietly. He tilted his head and closed his eyes. “Close your eyes and feel this place, Shayde,” he said. I closed my eyes, and let my senses wander. The place felt happier, at peace. Less sorrow, for certain. And.. something more. I spread my senses a little further. And there it was, an underlying current of.. I opened my eyes, surprised. “Solas is that..?”  
“Love.”  
I raised an eyebrow. “How does that happen in a place like this?”  
“You don’t know? You did this,” he explained quietly. I shook my head. “No I didn’t. All I did was help those spirits trapped here to move on.”  
“But.. you did. You were grieving in your own way, and you showed a kindness to spirits that had felt nothing but hatred and anger and sadness for being stuck here for so long. You released them with love. What you poured into the land, it touched them, and between what was in you, and what they had before they died, love leached into the land and it’s become something bigger and brighter.”  
I turned away from him as he talked. Walked around the copse of trees, feeling the leaves, marveling at their health and beauty. I stopped in front of a tree, looking up the trunk into the sky beyond the branches and leaves. It felt amazing here. The sorrow and pain had left the land and it was beautiful and tranquil here now. I felt Solas put his arm around my stomach, pulling my back against his body. I rested my head against his shoulder, my fingers moving to entwine with his. “You saved this patch of land. Eventually, with the suppressed pain and such from the spirits, the land would have started to wither. It might have taken decades but it was coming. You, you bled new life into the land and with the magic you bestowed here, this area will linger for a very long time. It is fitting, making your indelible mark somewhere no one really goes. Quietly regal.” I blushed. That was never my intention. They felt as if they were suffering and I just gave them peace… never meant to leave my mark or any such thing.  
“Come, let me show you why we are here.” He led me to the middle of the clearing, and laid down on the grass, motioning for me to follow suit. I just shook my head and did so. He pulled me close, pillowing my head on his arm, pulling my left hand across his chest to entwine our fingers together on his body. I closed my eyes and sighed. This was perfection. He started talking then, telling me the story of the two lovers who had been here for so long. As he spoke a breeze flitted through the clearing, catching my hair, my shirt. Formless touches that caused me to shiver against Solas. His left arm pulled me closer, and I rested my left leg over his legs. And I drifted as he spoke.  
  
_“Took you long enough to get here, Vhenan,” he teased me. I opened my eyes to find him sitting next to me, no shirt and the sunlight dancing across his skin. I rolled onto my side and stared at him._ _  
_ _“Really, the fade? Again?”_

_“But of course. I want you to really feel what you released here. It is important. And stunning. And worth remembering in all this chaos called our lives.”_

_“So cryptic. What did I do that was so magnificent?” He chuckled._ _  
_ _“Now you sound like Dorian. I never said ‘magnificent’ per se.” My turn to chuckle._

_“Alright then, what did I unleash upon the world that is so.. Whatever word you wish to ascribe to it?” I asked with a smile._

_“Sit up and give me your hands.”_

_I sat up, found myself wearing only one of my nightgowns. I raised an eyebrow but said nothing as I moved to sit in front of him, my body mirroring his own crossed legs. He held out his hands and I placed mine in his. He grasped my wrists and placed my palms onto the ground between us. “Open your senses again. One more time. Please.”_

_I nodded and complied. And oh my, the rush of.. Feeling from this place was phenomenal. Love, and triumph, and peace and this overwhelming tide of forgiveness. But the love.. The love colored all I could ‘see’ this amazing vibrant blue. It filled the air, it swirled around us, into the ground and through the two of us. I opened my eyes and watched the color permeate everything. And when I looked at Solas, it flowed through him, becoming somehow more vibrant as it left him. His eyes were still closed, and he looked peaceful. I reached up and placed my right hand on his cheek, and he opened his eyes. They glowed bright blue for a moment, then cleared to the crystal blue I knew so well._

_“Ma serannas, Solas. You have given me a wonderful gift. I will cherish it always.” He smiled at me. I smiled back. And our mouths met half way between us. His lips firm and warm against mine. I sighed as his hands came up and framed my face, holding me to him. His tongue slipped between my lips and caressed mine, and I fell into a kiss that touched my soul._

_He pulled me up onto my knees, pressed his body against mine. I put my hands to his neck and held him close. He wrapped his hands around my body, his hands hot through my nightgown. And we knelt there, wrapped in each other arms, for what felt like an eternity. Eventually he pulled away from me, and laid back on the grass, pulling me on top of him. I scooted up his body so my face would be even with his, and propped myself up on my elbows. “This on top business is.. Odd,” I remarked. He smiled up at me._

_“It does take a bit of finesse, but it can be remarkably enjoyable. Shall I.. show you?” I could only nod, my stomach getting hot at the thought of something new with him. He motioned for me to get up, and so I did. He stood up with me and moved to stand directly in front of me. I looked up into his face and waited. His face a breath away from mine he stared into my eyes as his fingers slid the straps of my gown from my shoulders. The gown slithered from my body to pool at our feet. He then removed his own pants and laid back onto the grass._

_“Vhenan, lay on me so that I might kiss you first?” He asked when he saw the uncertainty on my face. I laid back down, my body stretched against his. He ran a hand down my back, leaving tingles in it’s wake, his hand stopping to rest on my butt. His other hand came up and grasped my neck, pulling my face down to his, our lips meeting, tongues colliding. I opened my mouth further, and his tongue swept into it, masterful and gentle. I sighed into his mouth, melting against him as he just kissed me senseless. After a few minutes, he pushed my face away, enough to smile at the stunned expression on my face. I looked down at him, smiled back._

_“Sit up and straddle my hips.” I quirk an eyebrow, and move to sit up. I felt a bit awkward. Once I was straddling him, his cock was underneath me, tight against my folds, and I was blushing furiously. He put his hands behind his head, and watched me with dark eyes, sexy eyes. “You are so beautiful, Shayde.” I tried to hide my face with my hair, and he chuckled beneath me. “Don’t do that, I want to watch your face.” I looked to his face. “What would you have me do now?” I ask, my voice husky with desire._ _  
_ _“Move. Slide.. Your body against me. Similar to what I did last time when I was on top, of you.” My eyes widened when I remembered. Friction and wetness, so much to feel. I squinted my eyes, and shifted my hips, feeling the delicious slide of his hot length against my wet aroused nerves. I shifted them again, a longer slower movement, hot and wet. His eyes rolled up into his head, and my stomach flooded with heat. He held one of his hands up to me, and when I reached out, he entwined his fingers with mine. “Keep moving,” he whispered. And so I did._

 _My hips undulating, this steady rhythm, his cock sliding against my wetness. The friction was.. Intensely unbelievable. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel. Every glide sent this frisson of shock through me, my belly clenching and my skin clammy with need. He was giving little soft sounds of approval. His hand gripping mine was tightening and loosening its grip.. In time with my hips. I leaned back just enough to grip his thigh for leverage. And my hips kept moving. I was so hot, and the feel of him against me was intoxicating. His free hand came up and gripped my hip, his back arching, breathing heavily. I was moaning, and rubbing him a bit faster, delicious tension eating me alive._ _  
_ _Just as I was about to come.. Solas opened his eyes, sat up, wrapped his free arm around me and swiftly rolled me onto my back in the grass. He kissed me, hard and quick. Then he shifted his hips, sliding his cock inside me. I groaned and pressed closer to him. He started thrusting then, this hot rhythm that drove me wild. He buried his face in my neck breathing as heavily as me. And after only a few thrusts, I fell apart underneath him. Crying out, trembling, my body clutching at him. Muscles contracting and spasming, and me shaking so hard I felt like I was going to come apart. He swiftly followed me, his own guttural cry muffled against my neck. His hands gripped my hips and he held himself there, buried inside me, unmoving as we both came off the high of incredible love making. He sighed against my neck._

_I rubbed lazily at his back, aimless motions meant to sooth us both. Eventually he pulled his head up and looked down at me. He kissed me, softly. “Do we like trying new things?” he asked me quietly._

_“Of course. You are a rather patient teacher,” I reply, all seriousness now._

_“You are a rather adept student. You take to.. Things.. Quickly. It's.. remarkable,” he says with a look in his eye, remembering our first conversation in Haven. I laugh. Can't help myself. I was so.. Content? Happy? I couldn't tell anymore._

_He kissed me once more and rolled off of me to lay with me in the grass. I stretched in the sunlight. “What do you think will happen after we defeat Corypheus? Since not.. Not defeating him isn’t really an option at this point.” I just laid there, waiting to see what he would say._ _  
_ _“None of us know how the following months will go, vhenan. There is a lot that can and likely will still happen. I promise to be by your side until the end of it, and hopefully after but I cannot promise for the after. There is much to be done and righted. And we shall see to it, you and I. Does that answer suffice, love?” he looked over at me, his face curiously serious. I turned on my side and faced him. “Yes. Yes it does. You and I, against the world?”_

_“You, you and I.”_

_And he kissed me once more._

And I woke up still clothed entwined with him on the ground. I yawned and looked up at him to find his eyes almost.. Sparkling at me. He smiled at me, his hand running through my hair. “We should get back,” he starts to say, but I shake my head.  
“A little while longer? Even if we just lay here and enjoy the moment. Please?” I ask. He nods, and we stay where we are. We talk of silly trivial things, nothing weighty or important. And just enjoy the time we have stolen together, away from the keep and all the people.  
  
**A Few Days Later -**

Plans were finalized, and they made their way to the Winter Palace. Dorian, Solas and Iron Bull accompanied her, along with Cullen, Leliana and of course Josephine. Over the course of the evening, many shenanigans went down. They found evidence of the Venetori in the Palace, and evidence of Briala, Celene AND Gaspard doing duplicitous things. The people in the Palace, the Masquerade attendees, were none too fond of Shayde, or her elven friend. Dorian seemed to fit right in and was able to weasel his way into many a conversation. Iron Bull used his Ben-Hassrath training to help Shayde with information gathering. And he enjoyed copious amounts of food.

Shayde met one of Josephine’s sisters, and had an enjoyable conversation with her. Leliana was a whole different person amongst the Nobility and their ‘Game’. The way she seamlessly blended in was almost worrisome. Cullen seemed to attract a gaggle of curious onlookers. With that adorable face of his, who wouldn’t be curious?

However, no matter what happened behind the scenes, Shayde set the entire ball on its ear. Her hair was a riot of white curls, and her dress was flawless. The purple matched her vallaslin, and the teal and silver matched her eyes. Her feet were clad in silver lace up sandals, ensuring she stood much shorter than most of the humans present. But, that didn’t deter her. She was soft spoken and her presence very much commanded.. Attention. She moved with grace and poise and everyone enjoyed her company, even if she was ‘just an elf’. ‘Herald’ and ‘Inquisitor’ were the whispered names of the night. According to some, she was captivating and mesmerizing. According to others she was cold and calculating. But, according to those who mattered most? She was everything. Over the course of their investigating, they met the Court Mage, Morrigan. According to Leliana, this mage was very powerful and very manipulative. But worth listening to if it felt right.

Solas watched Shayde the entire night, watched as she navigated through the throngs of sneering, staring humans. And she didn’t bat an eye. She answered impertinent questions with a smile and a twinkle in her eye, soft laughter and a touch of a hand. She waved off suspicions and encouraged trite gossip. And as the evening wore on, he watched the strain settle on her as they uncovered plot after plot. But she hid it well, no one in the ballroom would have guessed that the Grand Duchess had tried to murder them not 10 minutes ago. But there they stood, winded but whole and hale in the ballroom, waiting for the Empress to begin speaking.

But.. it never got that far. Shayde interrupted the Empress before Florianne could attack, calling her out on her dirty machinations of the evening. Effectively verbally flaying her alive. Solas couldn’t take his eyes off of Shayde. She was exceedingly charming, practically dripping snark. And witty with her lavish recalling of the evening’s events. In the end, she had Florianne taken into custody, and went off to yell at the 3 leaders vying for power.

Outside, on the balcony, Shayde ripped into each of the leaders. Celene, taken to task for trying to lure Gaspard into attacking her on purpose, Gaspard for being stupid enough to fall for it. And Briala, who in her need to help her people, playing both sides against one another. Shayde was furious at their complete lack of sense. They had an ancient magister on their doorsteps and nothing could have been more petty than their manipulations of each other. She demanded they work together.. Or she would expose all three of them before their people. Celene capitulated almost immediately, aware of what HER secret would do. Briala did the same, knowing that if the Elves in Hilamshiral knew of her treachery, she would be very quickly replaced. Gaspard argued but gave in as well, knowing that in the end, it was that or death.  
After Shayde returned to the ballroom and made an impassioned speech, she retired to the balcony to get a breath of air. And avoid more posturing by the people inside the Palace. Morrigan came to her, informing her she was now the official liaison to the Inquisition from Orlais. Shayde quietly welcomed her and waited outside alone, reveling in the near quiet of the night.  
  
**Shayde -**

I stood there, watching the sky. The evening was technically a success, though many many elves and people died to make it thus. I sighed. So much waste. I hear someone clearing their throat behind me. Dorian. Ah the dear man, forever where I want him to be. He came up behind me and put his arm around my shoulder. I laid my head on his, and sighed dramatically.  
“You, my dear, are a great deal more impressive than anyone here ever gave you credit for. You positively burned Florianne at the stake and you barely lifted a hand to do so.”  
I laughed. “I almost burned down part of the castle, you silly twit. You were with me!”

He chuckled. “You are right about that, maybe you lifted a few fingers. It was fun though, this silly party of theirs. Really evil but fun. Reminded me of back home.” His turn to sigh dramatically. We both hear another clearing throat behind us. I turn and look over Dorian’s arm and there stood Solas. He had this.. Look on his face. Dorian coughs and removes his arm, kissing my forehead then whistling as he made his way back inside the Palace.  
“I’m not surprised to find you out here,” he says as he comes to stand with me at the railing.  
“It’s just been a very long day,” I answer with a sigh.

“For everyone, I’d imagine,” he replied with a small smile. “It’s nearly over now, Cullen is giving his men their marching orders as we speak.”  
He looks back toward the ballroom as another round of music starts up. He smiles and turns to me, “Come! Before the music stops. Dance with me!” he says, holding out his hand as he executed a bow with a flourish I had never really.. Seen in him before. I smile, and grasp his hand. “I would love to dance,” I answer as he swings me into his arms. And he swirls me across the balcony floor as the music seems to swell around us. He tells me of the silly fascinating things he had heard over the evening, garnering laughs for his troubles. And he tells me how radiant I looked, against all the fluffy peacocks of the humans in Hilamshiral, I was a glistening star in comparison. I sighed and smiled at him. “Thank you. I was.. Beyond worried about tonight. It is no secret how they treat the elves here. I hope you were treated well.”  
“Oh aye, I was treated fine. No one could really make heads or tails of what I was to the Inquisition, so they all treated me with the utmost respect. Or ignored me entirely which was fine with me as well. I could hear more when they weren’t prattling on at me, anyhow. But you, you were a little beacon of light amongst all the evil here. It was rather remarkable to watch. I was worried for you tonight, but I know I needn’t have been. You set the court on its ear and walked away to tell the tale. Looking ravishing as you did it.” His eyes shined as he looked down at me, something more there than I had seen previously. I felt like I was all he could see.  
“You are looking more than fine yourself, Solas. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you when we weren’t off being hunted.”  
“I noticed.”  
“I noticed you watching me as well.”  
“Did you not enjoy the scrutiny you were under tonight?” he asked me softly, our bodies close under the moonlight.  
“Oh, I enjoyed your scrutiny rather well,” I answered, my face close to his as he swung us slowly through the night. “I always do.” And he smiled then. A smile that met his eyes and flushed his cheeks.  
“I thought you might,” he whispered before kissing me there, where anyone could see us. And it was amazing, I could feel the passion in it, to my toes, his hand holding my neck, keeping me close. His other hand behind my back, pressing me against him. My hands fell from his arms as he kissed me thoroughly, his tongue dancing with mine as we swayed there under the stars. My ears rang and my blood rushed through me as he finally pulled away. I slowly opened my eyes to find him looking rather satisfied with himself.  
And he tucked my arm into his, and led me back into the palace.

And in my head I could hear the whisper of, “ _Tonight, my love. Tonight._ ”


	3. Ar Lath, Ma Vhenan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shayde and Solas are finally ready to take things to the next level. Several times. And an unexpected visitor comes to Skyhold.

**Back At Skyhold - Shayde -**

 

We had used magic to get home, as none of us were eager to stay anywhere near that vile nest of corrupt humans. Dorian and Solas knew of some old Tevinter travel spells, which were vastly useful. We all made our way through the keep, everyone going to their respective rooms, barely a goodnight said. Solas veered off to go to his room. And I went to mine.

I made my way up the stairs, and with a wave of my hand, I banked the fire roaring in my fireplace, darkening the room. I took the pins out of my hair and dropped them on the desk, then went out onto the side balcony. The moon was bright and huge, and I just.. I don’t know. Felt something. In the air. Standing there I leaned down and untied the sandal straps around my calf, repeated the process on the other. Stepped out of the sandals and left them there. Gathered up my dress and sat against the wall, my knees drawn up to my chest. My mind was still racing from everything that happened tonight. I had the power in my hands to topple an empire. I didn't - but it was heady nonetheless. Then.. The dance. I closed my eyes and thought back to it. The feel of his arms around me, the music swirling in the air around us. His twirling me around the floor of the balcony, the look in his eyes.

The kiss.

I sighed and opened my eyes. Stared up at the moon. I had felt almost drunk when we left the balcony, re-entered the ballroom. There were a few nobles watching us, but I just held my head up and glided out of there, as our business was done. And I don't think I could have spoken anyways.

 _Tonight._ What was tonight?

“Vhenan.” I looked up, and there he stood, in the doorway to my room. Still in the formal coat, though the belt was gone and it was unbuttoned. He smiled down at me, I smiled back.

“Why are you out here?” he asked. I shrugged.

“I didn't think you’d come, and I wasn't tired enough to sleep. I think I'm still riding the feel from tonight. It was incredible. Sad but incredible. Why did you come?” I asked quietly. He looked up at the moon too.

“I don't know. I tried to not. But my heart has other plans. I should go.”

I sighed. Stood up, bare feet cold on the balcony stones. I went to him, stood there in the dark staring up at him. He seemed so.. Undecided.

“Solas,” I whisper. His gaze fell to mine. I reached up to my right shoulder and untied the satin ribbon there. Reached to my left hip and untied the cording there.. And the dress fell from my body. His eyes widened. “Solas. Please. Don't make me beg. Vhenan..” He swallowed and his eyes looked down my body, ghostly and pale in the moonlight.

“You're breaking my heart,” he whispered shakily. I smiled. “It doesn't have to break,” I said as I grasped his hand, bringing it up to settle over my heart. My heart that was already beating faster. My other hand went to his face, his eyes closed when I caressed his cheek.

I risked it all.

“Solas.”

I stepped to him, my hands pulling his mouth down to mine. He met me half way, his hands snaking around me. I kissed him like my life depended on it. His tongue seemed far less inclined to stay away.. As it stole into my mouth and drew mine into his. I pushed his jacket from his shoulders, and he let it fall to the ground. He pulled away.

“We shouldn't…” he started to say but I put my hand on his mouth.

“No. One night. Give me one night. To feel you. And love you.”

He shook his head, even as he pulled me close again. His mouth took mine even as he lifted me, scooping me up, his mouth not leaving mine as he carried me to the bed. He laid me on the bed and pulled away long enough to undress. I worried for a moment that he would leave again. But he didn't, he climbed into the bed next to me. I turned onto my right side, facing him. I put my hand on his chest, and his heart was racing as fast as mine. His pale skin shone in the firefight, a light smattering of freckles on his shoulders. I sighed.

“You're more than beautiful, Shayde,” he said quietly, running a finger down my cheek. He trailed said finger down my neck, out over my shoulder and down my arm. His finger eventually met mine, his hand moving to entwine with mine. He brought my hand to his mouth, kissing my knuckles. I smiled at him, couldn't stop myself. He leaned forward and pressed his lips softly to mine. “It's been so long..” he whispered. I shook my head and claimed his lips again, and that seemed to melt the last of his resistance. He pushed me back onto the bed and deepened our kiss. I fell into it, letting all my pent up need, and passion, and fear drive the kiss. He responded in kind and it became this.. Melting pot of _more_ . More love. More want. More.. everything. His left hand skimmed down my side to slide underneath me, and he gripped my butt, making me moan into his mouth. He lifted my left hand above my head, stretching me out underneath him. Pulling his mouth from mine, he pressed it to my ear, “I wish to remember this, always,” he whispered softly. He let go of my left hand and knelt between my legs, looking down at me. I lifted my other hand and stretched, and his eyes widened as he watched. He leaned forward enough to draw a fingertip around my left nipple, a light touch that was enough to harden it. He repeated the movement on the right, garnering the same result. Then he brought both hands down my side, to my hips.

“Your skin, I don’t think I have ever felt the like of it. Not as soft as a flowers petals, but somehow softer. It’s hard to explain. I can’t get enough of touching you,” he said quietly. He leaned down and placed a kiss between my breasts, at the bottom of my ribs. A hot light kiss, sent shivers to my core. He laid back on top of me, his hips settling on mine, his arms holding his face away from me. I just looked at him, licked my bottom lip, and slid my hands down his sides, to grip his butt the way he had mine.  
“Oh, really now?” he asked, a smile finally creasing his mouth. I nodded, “Yes, very much really now.” And he kissed me again, running a hand down my side, in between us.. To touch me. He slid his fingers against me, spreading me for his touch. I moaned into his mouth, the feel of him everywhere almost too much to bear. He slid a finger inside me, then back up to gently circle my clit.. Making me twitch beneath him. He pulled his mouth away, “This is consistent, at least.. Your reactions at my touch,” and he repeated the movement, his eyes on my face to catch my reaction. My eyes closed and he did it again, his finger hot and strong. When he did it a fourth time, my hips raised to meet his hand and he chuckled. He put his mouth to my neck, nipped at the skin, then licking it to soothe the sting. His hand continued its sensual exploration, drawing little sounds of approval from me.

I felt like I was dreaming.. Because this was finally real. Him.. On me.. Holding and touching me. Letting me hold and touch him. This was all I had wanted.

He lifted his head and looked at me, his eyes on my face as he slid his finger inside me. I shook my head and reached between us too.. Grasping his cock. Ah, he was so hot.. And soft.. And amazingly hard. His eyes closed as I stroked him once, twice.. His hand stilled as I stroked him again and he began to tremble against me. I whispered, in his ear as his head dipped towards mine, “Who’s eager now?” And he stilled. His hand grabbed mine, drew it out from between us.. His fingers linked with mine as he drew my left arm above my head.. then his left hand grabbed my right, pulled it above me too. His mouth hovered above mine, and his hips shifted, rubbing his cock against my wetness. I groaned softly. He shifted his hips again, and the head of his cock slipped inside me. And slowly slid deeper. Until he stopped, looking at me.

“You… You’ve never done this before?” he whispered. I shook my head.

“And don’t you dare stop. You. You are _my_ choice. Forever.” He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to mine.

“You deserve so much better,” he started to say. I stopped him by wrapping my legs around him, drawing him deeper inside me. “You sell yourself short. And overestimate my willingness to have another. You, Solas, are mine.” His eyes snapped open, and with something akin to a growl, his mouth crushed mine, and with his hands holding mine above our heads, he pushed through my barrier and buried himself deep inside me. I sighed. Finally.

My tongue waged war with his, my fingers gripping his tight, and I lifted my hips urging him to move. And so he did. This slow rhythm, of a slow pulling out, but a quick thrust back in. Heat spreading through me as he relentlessly thrust.. He pulled his mouth from mine and pressed his face into my neck, us both gasping and fighting for air. And still he moved, barely quickening his pace. Like he was drawing out the inevitable.

Pressure built, my insides were melting, and my ears were ringing from how fast my heart was beating. He moved my hands together, held them both in his right hand, and slid his left between us again, finding my clit. I gasped again, as he began to rub in tandem with his hips moving.. Quick.. And steady.. And he was going to kill me…

I was writhing under him, my heart hammering out of my chest. Insane.. How much more you can feel when it’s body to body.  
He brought his mouth back to mine, and relentlessly pushed me.. His tongue and cock diving into me, his finger rubbing.. My stomach clenched as I got closer and closer. He pulled his mouth away, put it to my ear..

“And you, Vhenan, are mine..” The feel of his breath in my ear pushed me over the edge. I cried out, muscles clutching at him, heat flooding through me. Throbbing and trembling. He threw back his head, thrust once.. Then twice more and met his own release. His voice almost a yell, he throbbed hot inside me, shaking and trying to breathe. He finally let go of my hands and I wrapped my arms around him as we both tried to settle. He tried to shift himself off of me but I held firm.

“I’m going to crush you,” he whispered. I chuckled. “You could no more crush me than I could you. Stay. I enjoy the feel of you. Please.” He sighed and nodded, tangling a hand in my hair. I pressed my lips to his cheek, and he turned his mouth to mine, a soft kiss.

“Why me?” he asked softly. I closed my eyes, knew what he meant.

“Before now.. I never belonged. I was the First, and thus.. Held somewhat apart. And while I walked the world learning magics and history, I missed out on so much. But I knew things, I knew more than I should. And I knew none of them were for me. But you? As soon as you kissed me.. I was lost.”

He lifted his head again, and brought a hand up to my cheek. “You were always asking questions. Like a child, insatiable need for knowing everything. And the more you asked, the more I wanted to tell you. You remind me of someone I loved a very long time ago. And even with that reminder.. You are so much more.” And he kissed me again, slow and sweet, passion driving his tongue against mine. I felt something inside me.. Shift. Like I was finally put together after so long of being broken and only half a person. It felt.. So right.

Eventually he pulled away again, and I let him go. He got up and looked around. “There might be some towels or cloths in the bottom of the dresser,” I say from the bed. He opens the bottom drawer and pulls out a couple cloths. He grabs the basin of water from the top of the dresser and brings both to the bed. With a wave of his hand, the water was warm. He used one of the cloths and some water to clean me off.

“I can't believe you were untouched. I would never have guessed after…” and he hesitated.

“After the fade?” I offer up. He nods.

“You seemed… to know so much. Much more than a maiden should. I thought you experienced. I..” I hushed him. And once he was finished with his task, he put the stuff away and came back to the bed, laid next to me. As he stretched out on the bed I scooted on the bed, laid my head on his chest and he put his arm across my back. My left hand reached for his right, and we entwined our fingers over his stomach. I started to talk before he could.

“I know of many things. I know about blood magic, how it works and what power it can bestow if used right. I know about rift magic, because I have watched and studied you. I know enough about necromancy to know I could never do it but it is indeed a useful thing to have. I know the basics of cooking, and I can read a map and I can build small things. I know a lot more of elven lore than most elves, and I know a lot of it is wrong. I have dreamed fabulous and terrifying things. I have also read so many books. Ancient books, new books, books about stories and legends and real people who lived eons ago. I have read books about lovers and their epic or tragic stories. I’ve walked the fade in places where I witnessed.. Such goings on.” And there it goes. I started blushing.

“I even saw some of our less.. Careful clan members engaging in sexual acts. Never on purpose but.. You know. Once you see it you can’t _not_ see it. And when I met you, all these things I had never ever felt before.. Were suddenly almost overwhelming. And you kissed me in the fade and turned my world upside down.” I stopped. Afraid if I said more I would start crying.

His hand on my back moved to my hair, absently smoothing it away from my face.

“It’s been a very long time since I have been with anyone, in or out of the fade. And your persistence was both shocking and very alluring. I don’t think you see how everyone else sees you. Cullen blushes the moment you enter the room. And Blackwall has gotten into more than one scuffle in defense of our magnificent elven Inquisitor. Iron Bull has eyes for Dorian, but even he gets pleasure from just your presence. As for me, I see this beacon of goodness and innocence and even a beauty that is very clearly beyond what I deserve. And yet here I am, because you chose me. And I cannot fathom why.” I was nearly melting from the blush spreading across my face.

“Does there have to be a why? Can't it just be? Everyone looks for reason and purpose.. Sometimes there isn't one. Sometimes it's just.. What it is. And that is enough for me. For now.”

He sighed.

“Can I tell you a story?” I asked him. “You're always telling me the most fascinating stories. I have one to share.”

“Of course, tell your story.”

“When I was chosen to be First to the Keeper, I was only 12 summers old. My mother was thrilled. So thrilled, that she had been careless when foraging in the woods, bumped her head on a hidden tree branch. It caused her brain to bleed, and by the time she had made it back to the camp, it was too late for Deshanna to fix her. I was angry, and I tried to help. Because I had come into my magic early, I was only 7 when it first manifested, I thought I was old enough and powerful enough. But I couldn’t. I was.. So angry. Keeper Deshanna was impressed by my growth in magic over the years, and how much I managed to learn, about our people, and the humans and even about some dwarven lore. She said I had become a sponge, in my effort to not hurt, but that I needed to get out into the clan more. But the more I tried, the less they wanted me. I couldn't hunt, not really. I attracted the animals, and that made for awkward moments. I was horrible with sewing and mending, I can cook fairly enough, but cooking was a lonely job and thus.. Not the socializing Deshanna wanted me to do. So I stopped trying. I buried myself in books, scrolls, literature of any kind I could get my hands on. I managed to find some of the oldest lore our clan had seen in this very, very old cave. The night before, we had camped outside and as I slept, I explored the cave in the fade.” I sighed.

“In the fade I managed to find a cache of scrolls hiding behind some overgrown tree roots across a door entrance. When I woke up, I showed the Keeper and some of her scouts what I had found, and they turned out to be some sort of secret correspondence between Mythal and some of her most trusted advisors. The only reason we had found this cave in the first place, was a tree had fallen on the hill and broken a hole in the wall. And while I had been in the fade I had seen the power binding the scrolls with protection spells. It was a really slim stroke of luck that we found them. But..” I paused. No one seemed to believe this part. Worth a try though.

“When we fished the scrolls out, and Deshanna tried to break the bindings, they wouldn’t budge. When she finally relented and let me try, they fell off when I touched them. The magic just unravelled, and the scrolls were in perfect condition. I was even somehow able to read them, even though they were in ancient elven. On a good day, I could still only understand maybe a quarter of the language, and that was mostly what was similar to what we speak now. But these? I could read in _full_. It was.. Nothing short of miraculous. But the scouts believed I was ensorcelled by the scrolls and Deshanna was suspicious. But none of that mattered. I had found scrolls that told the story of how Mythal had treated her people, and how even as the greatest of her kind, others had conspired against her. They spoke of betrayal, and how her most trusted had done their utmost to protect her. But the story ended there. Well, it didn’t end so much as the last scroll was unreadable. It had a seal with a wolf’s head on it, and nothing I did could release it. I stored it inside the Fen’harel statue. Deshanna doesn’t know. She has a duplicate I made.. I have no idea why i did that, but it seemed the thing to do at the time.” Solas had stilled under my head, and I wasn’t going to ask why. He had his mysteries, certainly.

“After I read those scrolls I thought of Mythal in a whole different light. The scrolls made them out to be more like you and I, and less like gods or goddesses. But Deshanna wasn’t sure it was really what I claimed them to be and the clan, of course, followed her lead. Which was all well and good. Deshanna and I argued about them, the scrolls. Just like with the statue. So I stopped arguing and played the dutiful First.. So a few months later I was sent to the conclave. And that was that.”

“Why do such extraordinarily strange things keep happening to you, I wonder?” he mused aloud. He sounded so tired. I shrugged. I had no answer to that one. Varric wondered the same.

“I am just that lucky, I guess,” I offered up. He chuckled. I yawned. It had been a long day.

“Solas, please stay,” I whispered.

“For you? Anything.”

And with that promise echoing in my head, I slipped into sleep.

 

Later that night, I awoke to find Solas laying next to me, watching me sleep. I reached out and cupped his face with my hand. “Can’t sleep?” I asked, my voice husky.  
“I was for a while,” he answered before slipping his hand around my back, drawing me close to him. I went willingly. I pressed a kiss to his chin,

“It’s still dark out. Are you still tired?” He asked. I shook my head, because with his body against mine, I was very much awake now. His chest hard against my own, and his hips pressed to mine. I slipped my left leg over his hip, my hand moving to his neck. He tilted his head down, captured my lips with his own. Soft, the kiss at first was almost tentative, then got braver. I just drowned in him. His tongue on mine, his hand on my back, his heart beating against mine. I pressed closer to him, clinging to him as he slowly kissed me to death.

After several long minutes, I pushed him back onto the bed, covered his body with my own, my mouth never leaving his. I was straddling him, my arms next to his head. He broke the kiss, his teeth nipping at my bottom lip. “Are you sure..?” he asked. I raised an eyebrow, and rubbed myself against him. His eyes widened, but he didn’t ask again. He ran his hands down my back, to grip my butt, then guided me to rub against him again, his cock between my lower lips. Wet and slick from me, I slid across him effortlessly. I closed my eyes and sighed, slowly shifting my hips up and down, enjoying the amazing friction we were creating. He gripped my hips, urging my movements on, his mouth lifting to my neck, kissing and nipping at the sensitive skin there. My fingers grabbed at the bed under us, as his hands kept me moving on top of him. I tried to still when I got close and he wouldn’t let me. His hands moving me, and I was lost in the sensations. I pressed my mouth to his shoulder, muffling the sounds I was desperately trying not to make. He whispered, “Let me see you,” in my ear, and without even thinking, I lifted my head and rested my forehead on his. I was too close and he was making me crazy for more. My eyes closed and I let him take me away. Finally.. Finally I came, my hands moving to his shoulders, his hands still moving me against him. Shaking and throbbing and wet, I cried out. My stomach was clenching and tremors shook me.

He wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Now it’s my turn,” before rolling me onto my back on the bed. He rubbed himself against me once more, making me moan and jerk beneath him. After another quick kiss, he knelt between my legs, looking down at me. He pulled my hips closer, raising me up on his knees, positioning himself at my entrance. He slowly slid his cock inside me, watching my face the entire time. My eyes closed and I reveled in the feel of him filling me. Then he started moving, achingly slow at first. His hands trembled on my hips with the control he was attempting to exert. I gripped the bed next to me, as he continued to stroke the inside of me with his very hot arousal. I was moaning, writhing, and he continued to move, slowly picking up the pace. His hand moved, laid on my pelvis, his thumb finding my clit. I jumped when he touched me. His thumb moved in tandem with his hips, faster and hypnotizingly rhythmic. My back arched as he pushed me closer and closer.

His watched me intently, his eyes on my face, his thrusting melting me from the inside out. I started to whimper as I got closer. His thumb moved once.. Twice.. Tight circles on that over stimulated bundle of nerves, with his cock thrusting in time with his hand. And finally.. I gave this low breathy moan as I finally reached my peak. Back arching again, muscles clenching and throbbing.

He gave a harsh cry himself as he soon joined me, his head falling back as he throbbed inside me, hot and deep. His hands gripped my hips and he couldn't breathe any better than me. I laid there, gasping for breath and trembling. His hands loosened and after he had calmed some, he pulled away and laid on his side on the bed, facing me. He reached out and put his hand over my heart. I took a breath, put my hand over his.

“You never fail to surprise me, vhenan. Even after all this time,” he says quietly. I just shake my head.

“Am I to be predictable and boring? I had thought I was until the breach. I rather like this new Shayde I've become.”

His eyes glittered in the dark. “As do I,” he whispered. I looked over at him, to find him watching me intently.

“Are you alright?” I asked him. I couldn't put my finger on it but something felt off. He nodded. Sighed.

“You've just pummeled my every expectation into the ground, over and over. I finally think I've got you figured out, ‘This is Shayde,’ but then you go and give me more things to figure out and it's like you have this need to make everything complicated in the most delightful way. I don’t think I'll ever fully understand all the facets of you.” I raised my eyebrows.

“Solas, not knowing everything is.. Not a bad thing. I would think life would get rather boring if that was so.” Moving his hand,  rolled towards him onto my stomach. My arm was against his chest, and he put his hand on my back.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked with a whisper.

“Of course,” he answered, almost surprised I had asked.

“Being here, with you, or even in the fade.. I've never felt more whole than I do when I am alone with you. You.. Change everything.” He smiled when I used is own words.

When he started to speak I shook my head.

“No. Not yet. Let me finish.” He quieted and waited. I sighed and buried my face in the bed. Who knew confessing love for someone was so.. difficult?

“I don't know if this is the right time. Or the right thing to say,” my voice was somewhat muffled by the mattress.

“Vhenan?”

“Mmmhm?”

“I love you too.”

My head shot up, and with my hair hanging in my face I stared at him. He brushed it away so he could see me. A smile slowly spread across my face. He smiled wryly back. “You what?!” I asked in a loud whisper.

“I think you heard me the first time.”

“I love you. How did you know?” I asked.

“You, well you shine with it. That’s the best way to describe it.” I cocked my head, thought about it. Do I really shine with it? That could be embarrassing. He leaned down and kissed me again, then pulled me against him, my back to his stomach.  
“Now we should sleep while we can. We have a busy time ahead of us.” And so we did. I sighed and closed my eyes, marveling at the fact that he loved me. And I slipped into sleep, hearing his whisper of, " _Ar lath, ma vhenan_."  
  
**The next few weeks were spent making preparations for their trip to the Wilds. They located a tranquil mage named Maddox who had been helping Samson to make his powerful armor, they crippled the red lyrium flow from Orzamar,  in general they made life more and more difficult for Samson and Corypheus. Shayde and Solas spent every moment they could together. In the fade and out.  She taught him about her people, magicks she had learned in her life, and he taught her of elven history and old magicks he had learned in the fade. They were a magnificent force on the battlefield, and if they took Dorian along, they were nigh unstoppable. They cut a bloody swathe through Emprise Du Lion, and the Exalted Plains, the Dales and more. Closing rifts, battling Red Templars and Venatori alike. They even fought a few dragons along the way, much to the enjoyment of The Iron Bull, who practically praised Shayde and her forethought at bringing him along to do such fun things. Dorian and Bull were fast becoming an item, themselves. Squabbling like children one minute, then throwing around some of the most ridiculous sexual innuendos Shayde had ever heard. She rolled her eyes more in those few weeks than she had in all of the months before. As the time drew nearer to head into the Wilds, Solas became quieter in their travels, pensive almost. Even Bull and Varric commented on it. Shayde let him be. Because he still talked to her. And that was fine with her.**

**Life was about to get very interesting indeed.**

 

**Shayde -**

 

I was sitting in the Undercroft playing with some herbs, when a page came running into the room, nearly tripped over himself as he ran down the stairs to me. I stopped what I was doing and eyed him.

“Inquisitor! Herald! Ser!” he stammered.

“What can I help you with?” I offered.

“There’s a group of Dalish elves approaching the keep! Ambassador Montilyet sent me to fetch you, said you want to see this.” He was breathing rather heavily for that short trip through the hall.  
“Are you alright?” I asked the boy. He blushed and nodded.

“Are we at war with the elves?” he asked me quickly. I laughed.  
“No, we are not. I will come see what the fuss is about. You should go down to the kitchens and ask the cook for some tea. You look a little peaked.”

He stammered thanks and ran from the room. Dagna and Harrit stood by the forge and after a look at each other they just laughed. I shook my head at them and left the Undercroft myself. I was greeted by the throne by Josie and Leliana. Josie looked beyond excited and Leliana looked.. Pleased?  
“What is going on?” I asked. Josephine jumped in before Leliana could speak.  
“Some of your clan are on their way across the drawbridge as we speak, Inquisitor. From the looks of things, Keeper Deshanna is with them.” My jaw dropped. Deshanna? Here?! Leliana spoke then.

“We saw them some ways off, and after my scouts trailed them for a bit it seems that they are delivering something to you, and the Keeper wants to make sure her First is being accorded with all respect.” And with those words I could feel the blood rush from my head. I ran from the throne room to the rotunda. Solas was sitting at his desk, reading something. I froze by the door. Unsure what to say. Or ask. My heart was thundering in my head and for once… I had no idea what to do. I turned on my heel as he looked up. But I didn’t stop. I stood at the top of the stairs into the courtyard, smoothing down my much longer hair, adjusting my white vest over the long dark purple shirt Josephine had found for me in Val Royeaux. I dusted off my white pants, and pulled up the black boots. A black leather half glove over my right hand. I looked nothing like the elf Deshanna had sent to the Conclave all those months ago. I straightened and walked down the stairs, into the courtyard as the contingent of elves passed through the main gate. My stomach flipped over. And I sighed. I should not be afraid of my own people. I walked down the remaining steps, and approached them. Deshanna sat atop a white hart, her silver hair knotted around the back of her head. Her gray eyes watched me with .. I couldn’t begin to name what she felt. I could feel the power emanating from her, and wondered if she could feel the way mine had grown.

“Da’len,” she said quietly, though I felt her words more than heard them.

“Andaran atish’an, Keeper.”

A few of the scouts with her, dismounted and helped her dismount. I approached them and said nothing. I could hear a few of the men at the back of the group whispering, and with a look, Deshanna silenced them. She came to me, and after slowly walking around me, she stopped in front of me. Then she grabbed my shoulders and pulled me against her in a fierce hug. All the tension I had held since the boy said they were coming.. It all melted away as she wrapped her arms around me and.. Welcomed me home. I hugged her back, burying my face in her neck. She smelled like home. I started to cry, and she tsked at me.

“Now why are you crying?” she asked me, her voice husky. She pulled away, keeping her hands on my shoulders. Looking at me closely. “I brought you a gift,” she said, gesturing to the small cart being pulled by a couple of halla. One of the elves, a man who insisted on being called Sable, moved to the cart and uncovered a wolf statue. I squealed. I admit it. I was beyond excited to see it. Deshanna smiled at me. “A small token from me to you. I missed you, Da’len.” I smiled back, delighted to see them all. “I missed you too, Keeper. Will you please come in and be welcome?” She nodded, then gave her men a few orders, and Loranil, a Dalish elf from the Exalted Plains ran forward to greet them and offer to help find space for their animals. I took Keeper Deshanna’s arm and led her up the stairs into the keep.

“This place is far larger than I thought it would be, Da’len. How do you not get lost in all these buildings?” she asked me, some wonder in her voice. I laughed. “Every one of them looks different on the inside, each building and room has a different purpose. Come, let me show you the hall and the gardens. Then we can retire to my rooms to talk.” I led her into the hall, and her eyes darted everywhere. I explained that this was where we held ‘court’ and judged people. I judged people. I sighed. She eyed me with some trepidation. I just shook my head and led her through the outer doors to the gardens. She brightened when she saw them. “I can see your touch here, Da’len. You spend a lot of time here, don’t you?”

I nodded. I really did. In the awake and in the fade. “This place reminds me most of the wilds. Of home. I feel somehow closer to you all. How is everything with the clan? Have you..” I swallowed, “have you found a new First yet?”

She just shook her head. “Right now, we are still getting over what happened in Wycome. If it comes to it, I will find a new one. For the moment, Da’len, we are fine.” I stopped walking.

“Keeper…” I started to say but she held up her hand, effectively shushing me.

“You are where you need to be, as are we. For now it is what it is. Come, show me your sleeping space. I wish to see if it’s as luxurious as the rest of this place.”

I laughed again, and led her back into the hall, and through all the staring people milling around in the main room. Solas was standing in the door to the rotunda, his face unreadable. He nodded to me and I just gave a nod back, continuing on our way.

“I must admit, I did not expect to see so many elves here, or mages for that matter,” Deshanna whispered to me. I smiled at her.

“I did not, either, to be honest. I’ve tried hard to make sure every elf here has a place, whether mage or no. There are no slaves, and everyone is paid a wage of some sort.” She nodded, as if she expected little else from me. I led her up the stairs to my room, and realized the bed was still a mess from the night before, and Solas’s clothes were with mine, scattered across the floor. My face bloomed red as I ran around the room collecting clothing and depositing it all in the closet. Closing the door, I turned to find Deshanna watching me, her hands on her hips, and her gray eyes wide.

"What have you done?” she whispered, delight creeping into her voice. I blushed again. And I was saved from answering by a persistent knocking at the door. Dorian called up the stairs, “Pardon me, ladies. But I was tasked with delivering this.. Statue? This statue up here for the Inquisitor. Leliana sent me up with it. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course, Dorian! Please come up,” I called out, relief crawling through me. His and another set of footsteps sounded up the stairs. Bull was carrying the statue by himself, and Dorian just cocked an eyebrow in question to me. I pointed to a spot by the fire, and Bull obliged me by setting it down there.

“There you go! What is that thing anyways?” Bull asked me, scratching his cheek.

“It’s, well it’s a statue that I sort of adopted as a child. And it adopted me back,” I explained. Lame as far as explanations go, it was the best I could do at such short notice. He just nodded, gave a wave and left the room.

“Would you like any refreshments? Tea? Some of that ridiculously yummy cake the cook made today? Anything?” Dorian asked helpfully. I shook my head but motioned him forward.

“Keeper Deshanna, this is Dorian Pavus, another mage and close friend of mine,” I introduced him. He gave a dashing grin and an extravagant bow, capturing Deshanna’s hand and kissing it reverently.

“Keeper, I have heard such wonderful things about you!” he started to say, then stopped when Deshanna laughed.

“They can’t have been all that great, I wasn’t always the nicest of Keeper’s to our Shayde. But thank you, my boy. You are indeed a dashing fellow aren’t you?” He winked at her and nodded. I just shook my head. Men!

“If you don’t need anything else, I will go make sure Bull isn’t torturing your scouts. He likes to intimidate the newcomers, whether or not they are ours! Have a lovely evening my ladies,” he said with a flourish, kissing my cheek and leaving as quickly as he came.

“Well, if I am not mistaken, he was from Tevinter, was he not?” Deshanna asked. I nodded.

“He and his father.. Who is a magister.. Are not on the best of terms. They are working things out but they have.. Difficulties. Dorian is here because he and I had a misadventure a while back. And he’s been a close friend since.”

“Well so long as he isn’t trying to make slaves of anyone..”

“No.” My tone was far more emphatic than I had intended, but Dorian wasn’t like that. Not anymore. "Keeper, Dorian isn’t like that. He wants things to change in Tevinter, abolish slavery, change how the Magisterium works. He wants change. And he is starting here, with the Inquisition.” Deshanna just nodded and went out onto the side balcony.

“Who is he, Da’len?” she asked quietly, staring out at my lonely mountains. I sighed. I knew she was no longer referring to Dorian.

“He’s a good man, Keeper. He’s an elf, but not Dalish or a city elf. Not even a slave. He is a self taught mage and.. I love him.”

“Do you now?”

I nodded. “It’s very.. Wondrous and strange and it hurts but at the same time it feels so right. He loves me too.”

I sat down on the balcony, urging her to follow suit. Once she sat, I showed her the mark on my hand, after removing the glove I used to hide the ever present glow.  
“He helped save me from the anchor, taught me how to use it. He has helped me master the connection I have with the fade now. He teaches me, he teaches me fairness and kindness and ruthlessness when it’s needful. He grew up distrustful of the Dalish, and I have shown him we aren’t all the same. He makes me feel whole in a way I never have,” I ended with a low whisper. Deshanna looked sad.

“I know. I can sense that change in you. You are.. You are far more powerful than when you left us. I think, Da’len, you have surpassed even my own.”  
I swallowed. “Keeper, I never meant,” but she interrupted me.

“I knew this could happen. When I sent you away. I had been having dreams, frightful dreams. Seemed more portent than dream.” She stared out into the sky. “I knew sending you would change your life forever. Had I known how, I do not know if I could have sent you. But here we are. Forever changed.” I looked down at my hands, my hair falling over my face, a familiar shield.

“Never forget who you were, Da’len. But don’t ever, ever stop growing. You have changed the world. For better or worse? You have changed it. And don’t apologize for circumstances beyond your control. I have heard of the things that have happened to you. Your ambassador, Josephine, she sends me letters every few weeks keeping me appraised of your health and general goings on. She speaks very highly of you, and she sounds like she genuinely admires you.” I smiled at that, I hadn’t known she was doing that. “You have a very good group of people here. Even that Qunari brute, he seems to be far different than those few we have met.” I sighed. Poor Bull.

“He has.. Well he’s recently disconnected himself from the Qun. He’s still reeling from that, but Dorian and I are helping him through it.”

“Ah, that must be it. He didn’t seem like the mindless type. Too curious.”

“And he likes hunting dragons,” I said in a loud whisper. Deshanna laughed. “Do you really hunt dragons?” she asked. I nodded. “We’ve hunted a few so far, and every one of them makes Bull happier than a halla in an embrium field.” Deshanna laughed again. I grinned, it was good to hear her laugh.

"Shayde. Your mother would be proud of you. I.. I am proud of you. Beyond compare.” I looked at her.

“I’m sorry. For everything. From before I left, Keeper. I was..”

“You were grieving, and I was grieving and we were both angry. For a very long time. There is nothing to apologize for.”

I reached out and gripped her hand. “I missed you. Nearly every day.”

“Only nearly?” she teased, wiping a tear from her cheek. I nodded.

“Some day’s I’m too busy fighting to miss anything. But the days here? I would miss you fiercely.” She smiled at me.

“And I missed you. Most of the time. Unless I was tripping over your ridiculous statue.” I smothered a laugh.

“Be proud of who you are, Da’len. I am.” And with that, she got up, held out a hand and helped me up. She pulled me into another quick hug.

“Now, where am I to rest? I have never slept in a bed like these before.. I wonder if they are comfortable?” I coughed.

“We have a few empty rooms above the gardens for guests, you can have one, and the men the other two. If that suits you?”

“Of course!”

I nodded and led her down the stairs and back into the hall. Josephine was there waiting, her ever present paper actually not with her.

"Keeper Deshanna! It is so wonderful to finally meet you! I hope your travels were uneventful?” Josephine asked, with a wry look my way.

“Ah, you must be Ambassador Josephine! Our trip was fine, as uneventful as travelling that far can possibly be. You helping get us onto that ship was very helpful,” Deshanna replied with a smile. I squinted at Josie who had the grace to blush.

“Well, after all that trouble in Wycome, and things here being so hectic, I wanted to help any way I could.”

“It was very kind of you, young lady. Now please, would you mind showing me to a room? I think my old bones need a nap before the evening meal.” I told Josie where I was going to put the Keeper and her men, and she nodded as she led Deshanna from the hall. As the outer door closed, I rushed to the rotunda, where Solas was sitting in his chair. I just grabbed his hand, tugged him from the chair and dragged him through the hall to my room. Once we got inside the second door, I locked it and pulled him up the stairs.

The statue’s eyes glittered at me as I pulled Solas into the room. He stopped and stared at the statue, “Is that what I think it is?” he asked. I just nodded, my heart hammering in my ears.

“I can feel _something_ in it. It’s not a spirit. I don’t know.” He moved to squat in front of it, studying it closely. He had been very interested in it since I had told him the story the first time. I just sighed and flopped onto my bed. “Solas. She knows. She knew before I could tell her. About.. Us. Not you in particular, though you do seem to stand out without vallaslin. But she knows.” I could hear him walk to the bed. He stood over me, crossed his arms over his chest.

"Are you alright?” he asked. I nodded again. He flopped onto the bed beside me. We stared at the ceiling.

“I am alright. I was afraid, afraid I had changed too much for her to accept the new.. Me. But she didn’t even blink. I would love for you to meet her. But if you don’t want to..” and I left it hanging there. These were two of the most important people to me.

“I will meet her, and hopefully my tongue stays tame for your sake.” I looked over at him and smiled. He smiled back, though his was far more wry than mine. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. Let’s take this a step at a time.” I nodded, then leaned over and pressed my lips to his. His hand came up to cradle my face. He deepened the kiss for a moment or two. Then I pulled away. Just enough to look down at him, study his face. He watched me back. I sighed, kissed him once more then climbed off the bed, and made my way into the closet. I grabbed the pile of clothes I had thrown on the floor and tossed them back into the bedroom. I took off my vest and unbuttoned my shirt, but before I could take it off, I felt his hands snaking around my body, his palms hot against my stomach. I leaned back against him and waited. He slid them up my stomach, each hand cupping a breast. I sighed. My skin tingled where he touched me, my nipples hardening beneath his hands. I could feel him against the small of my back, hardening beneath his clothes. I turned my head to look up at him, and his hand moved to my neck, holding my head there. His blue eyes almost fierce. And his mouth took mine then, his tongue sweeping against mine, breath hot and desperate. I sagged against him, his hand against my chest the only thing holding me up. Finally, he pulled his mouth from mine. Stared down into my eyes.  

“You, vhenan, are mine.”

I just nodded, and he kissed me once more before slowly releasing me. “I’ll be back tonight,” he whispered before turning to leave. I stood there, tingling and aching for him as I heard him quickly leave the room. I slumped to the floor. The man would be the death of me. Or the life. I couldn’t tell anymore.


	4. Into the Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roughly 3 months later, Shayde looks back on some of the last few months events. Shocking revelations? Check. Emotional turmoil? Check check.

Shayde sat on the floor in front of the fireplace, still writing out what had happened in the Arbor Wilds. She put a hand to her stomach to still the movements there. She dropped the papers onto the floor, got up and stretched. She ran a hand through her hair, still wondering at the new streak of black hair that had appeared after defeating Corypheus and Solas leaving. She started to pace her room, back and forth. She glanced at the tunic sitting on the couch, gave it a small glare. It was enchanted to hide her growing stomach. She rubbed it again, shaking her head. The only people really aware of what was happening were her advisors, Dorian and Bull, Cass, Varric and Keeper Deshanna.

The rest of the Inquisition was in the dark. Which was how it was going to stay. She glanced out the door, watching the sky finally start to darken. She waited for sunset with a mix of desperation and dread.  
For the night time was the only time she could see him. She saw him nearly every night in the fade, and when he didn’t come, wolves did. She was still trying to figure that part out. Shayde had thus far managed to hide her pregnancy in the fade, showing him the ‘her’ from before. She hadn’t told him, and as far as now, had no plans to. And every morning, she awoke feeling as if she had left a little more of her soul behind, in his hands.

 

She heard the hiss that usually signaled the Voices. Vir’Abelasan. The Well of Sorrows.

She cocked her head and listened. They spoke of her daughter, a raven haired beauty who would shake the world. A child who would… stop her father from unleashing havoc upon Thedas. She shivered. Such a burden for one not even born yet. She rubbed her stomach and wiped tears from her face. Glanced out her balcony door to see the sun setting.

_Finally..._

 

Her friends had taken up the slack where she couldn't. They fought harder, bringing Ferelden and Orlais to heel under the Inquisition. They brought the people's of Thedas together to fix everything Corypheus broke. Briala went back to trying to make the elves a free people, though Gaspard remained in the capital with Celene. King Alistair was wary of the elven mage running the Inquisition, but he trusted Leliana and by extension had a wary trust of Shayde.

 

Dorian knew about Shayde meeting Solas in the fade. She had had to tell someone. She had no clue if he had shared the particulars with Bull, and she found she didn't much care. After Corypheus had been defeated, and Solas had vanished, she had taken to her bed, mourning? Lost? She took to her bed for days, became sick and the Voices told her what she had already expected...

 

She was pregnant.

 

**Shayde -**

 

I laid down the paper after rereading what I had written. It was hard to write it down, even months later. The beginning of the end? That temple, beautiful, serene and forgotten by time, had been my greatest boon alongside my greatest defeat. I rested my head on my hand for a minute, felt the baby moving inside me, and I sighed. Would I survive this alone? Deshanna would be here for the last month or so, and stay for a while after the baby arrived. But then? We were all still trying to figure the logistics out.

I looked outside, saw the sun was finally setting. I got up and paced.. Left. Right. Back again. Sighing, I went to my closet to change, casting a glare at the tunic Dorian and Deshanna had managed to enchant for me. Hiding my growing stomach. While for now I still barely showed, it wouldn't be long before it was painfully obvious to everyone. I changed into a loose nightgown, brushed my hair, my fingers lingering on the newly changed streak I had acquired. Black. The rest of my hair was still white, but right above my left ear, a good sized chunk of hair had turned black.

I shook my head and went to the stairs, checking the wards I had in place. Dorian was the only one who could get through unharmed. They were still as I had set them. I went to the bed and sat on the edge, watching the sky darken for a time. Then I laid down, in the center, alone. Closed my eyes and ..

 

_Woke in the fade. I was in that copse of trees, the one where I had ran to all those months ago. Lovers spirits bound throughout time to repeat their grisly end until I had released them. I sat there in the center of that circle of trees, the air dark around me. I heard a sound but didn't move._

_Solas sat down next to me._

_“Vhenan.”_

_I gave a short laugh. Aah, where had such bitterness gotten into me?_

_I turned and looked at him, my hair falling around me. His eyes widened when he saw the black hair I had forgotten to hide tonight. He was wearing his customary green pants, but shirtless._

_“What happened? Are you alright? Who did this to you?” he fired off the questions._

_I just sighed._

_“Did you think leaving would have no consequences, Solas?” I asked quietly. His face lowered. The light dimmed in his eyes._

_“I'm sorry..” he started to say, but I put out my hand, much the way Deshanna used to do to quiet me. It worked._

_“Do not apologize any more. It hurts me every time you do. I don't know how much more I can take, vhenan. You.. You're gone. I have accepted that. But this? Here. In the fade. With you. If that is all I can have, then for the time being it will have to do.” I reached out, entwined my fingers with his. He sighed, pulling my hand up to his lips._

_“I can't.. I can't stay away. I've tried. Every day I try,” he whispered. And my heart broke a little more. I smiled at him._

_“If it makes you feel any better, my will is about as strong as yours. Here I am. Again..” he just shook his head. I took back my hand and laid on the grass, looking up at the stars through the trees. I was wearing the same loose nightgown I had gone to bed in, though all the bodily changes I was experiencing outside the fade were not visible. He laid down next to me, on his left side facing me._

_“You should let me go,” he said. I shook my head._

_“I don't know why you left, but I know without a doubt why you return. Your heart is as much mine as mine is yours. There is no letting go. This wasn't some.. Whim. I gave you something I can't ever get back. And I will wait. Until you decide to tell me, or I figure it out. And I will.” I looked at him. “I will because I love you.” I reached out and ran my finger down his cheek._

_“Hold me,” I whispered before I could stop myself. He pulled me against his chest, my head tucked beneath his chin. My hand lay over his heart. Both of his arms wrapped around me, tightening and keeping me close. I closed my eyes. Even here, it still felt so real. After a while I pulled my head back, looked up at him. And he lowered his head to mine, his lips soft on mine. And I sighed, kissing him back. He rolled me onto my back in the grass, his hips heavy against mine. My hands moved to cradle his face, keeping his mouth on mine. He ran his hands down my sides and onto my thighs, lifting my nightgown. His hands moved under me to grip my butt, his pelvis pressed close. I pulled my mouth away enough to say, “Vhenan. Please. Love me.”_

_He nodded and reached between us to open his pants, barely freeing himself from their confines. I shifted my hips, wrapping my legs around him. He cupped me with his hand, parting my lower lips, gauging my arousal with a touch. He guided his cock to my entrance and I lifted my hips, silently begging for more. His mouth took mine again, as he shifted his hips to slowly slide into me. His hand moved to my clit, slowly rubbing it, his hand moving with his cock. His tongue waged a whole different war with mine, desperation and need drowning us both. His pace quickened, his thrusts long and deep. I pulled my mouth away, gasping and writhing under him. He pressed his face to my neck, his left arm snaking under my shoulder to grip the ground. His right hand still between us, rubbing and torturing me. I moaned, the delicious tension building inside me. He growled against my neck, his mouth kissing and nipping the sensitive skin under my ear._

_I wrapped my hands around him, my nails digging into his back. This low breathy groan escaped me as I finally peaked.. Trembling, throbbing, clenching and shivering. He cried out his own a few seconds later, his hips grinding against mine. Throbbing and hot inside me._

_And even still, spent and tired, we laid there, bodies entwined and joined still, in the grass for what felt like hours. He finally kissed me again before rolling off of me. He laid there next to me, quiet. I gripped his hand, held it between both of mine._

_“Come home?” I asked, as I had every time he found me on the fade._

_“I can't.”_

_I just nodded. I had expected nothing less._

_“I love you,” I whispered._

_“And I love you, vhenan,” he whispered back._

_I let go of his hand and moved to stand up. He followed suit. I pulled his head down to mine, kissed him again. And then I made myself walk away, hearing his whisper behind me, “Ar lath, ma vhenan..”_

 

And I woke up to the sun rising. And I laid there, in my bed alone, crying.

 

Within a few hours, I was ready for the day. A loose long black shirt, under a short gray vest, black pants, gray boots. The ever present glove on my hand. I braided my hair, the black streak stark against the white of my hair. My face was still pale. And without my vallaslin it felt almost too naked. I touched the skin above my eyes. I still have no idea how he had removed it. I shook my head and dropped my hand. I grabbed the bundle of little throwing knives Bull had given to me. He was teaching me to defend myself without magic. Which, as awful as it sounded, was a necessary thing at this point. We had no clue how the magic of mine and Solas’s would mix in the babe, not to mention the Well’s magic, and the anchor. We had no idea what to expect. My magic seemed somehow more potent. But less controllable. I sighed. When I made my way into the hall, only Varric was sitting there eating with Bull and Dorian. I raised my eyebrows and sniffed the food. Dorian just watched me, while Varric called me over and Bull scooted over to make room for me at the table.

“So we were discussing the .. situation,” Varric said around a mouthful of bacon. I started grabbing food and piling it onto my plate. Eggs, bacon, a little biscuit thing. As I started to eat, they explained what they had been talking about. About how when the time comes, I shouldn’t be at the castle. I shook my head. _Hiss.. whispers.._

“I need to be here. This is the only relatively safe place to do .. this. I have been talking to Leliana about magical means of hiding things, and she has agreed to talk to Fiona and Vivienne, not divulging any particulars but getting their ideas. The.. the voices agree with me. I cannot leave the castle when the time comes.” Varric exchanged a glance with Dorian.

“We had a feeling you would say that,” Dorian responded. “So. Well we’ve had Dagna working on some runes for the tower. Your tower. To keep _things_ away. And I’ve taken the liberty of ordering some velvet drapes for the doors. Are you sure?” he asked me quietly. I nodded. Bull just kept silent, tucking back food as if he hadn’t eaten in weeks. Varric just sighed at me.  
“Alright then. That’s settled. Anyone up for a game of Wicked Grace?” he asked. I just shook my head no. After I finished my food, I went into the rotunda. We had left the desk there, and the murals painted on the wall. I laid on the desk, as I had nearly every day since he had left. Staring up at the ceiling high above me. I laid there for a time, my mind wandering, conversing with the voices from the Well inside my head. I heard a cough, someone clearing their throat. I looked over and Cullen stood there in the door to the bridge to his offices.

“Welcome Commander. What can I help you with?” I said quietly, unmoving.  
“Are you alright?” he asked me. I sighed.

“I’m fine. A little tired but fine. How are you?”

“Oh. Well the nightmares have slowed, thanks to whatever it was you did to me. And the cravings are all but gone. I never suggest getting addicted to Lyrium,” he said with a wry chuckle. I smiled.  
“I’m glad I could help. You are.. A good friend to me, Cullen. It was the least I could do.”  
“Least? It was the most anyone has done for me in a long time. Thank you.”

It was my turn for a wry chuckle. I moved to sit up, and as I did, I got very dizzy. As the room spun around me, he rushed to the desk and took my hand. Held me steady until the spell passed. “Are you sure you are alright?” he asked me again, concern lacing his voice. I just nodded. “Normal thing, this dizziness. Or so I am told. I really just think it’s the universe’s way of telling me I am in way over my head. Like usual.” His face darkened.  
“Don’t sell yourself short, Shayde. Erm, Inquisitor. You are tougher than you look. And you are never alone. Remember that.” I just nodded, feeling the emotion of the moment a little too deeply. I stood up, squeezed his hand and quickly left the room. I swiped a tear from my face as I headed back up to my room. I went to the balcony and sat down, staring out at the mountains. Little did Cullen know how alone I really felt. I sat there for a time, thinking back to that week before the Temple. Before my whole world imploded.  
  
**Skyhold - 1 Week Prior To The Temple -**

 

I stood at the war table with Morrigan, and the advisors. They were all arguing and not accomplishing anything. I sighed. Rather loudly. On purpose. Cullen shushed the others.  
“Thank you,” I said to him. Then to the others, “We need to stop arguing. I propose this, Leliana, send out your fastest ravens and bring all of your fastest scouts and spies to the Wilds, harass Samson and Corypheus and their forces. While they buy us time, Cullen, you will get our men and our allies from Orlais to the wilds. I’ll head out before Cullen and the main forces, help buy time. Does this sound feasible?” Leliana pondered it and nodded. “We can do that. That’s actually the best plan put forward so far. Josie, send word to Orlais, Cullen, get the men ready.” I nodded to them all. Morrigan tossed in her knowledge about the Wilds and what Corypheus could be after. She had shown me the Eluvian she had in her possession, taken me to the Elven Crossroads, that were in a place that wasn’t a _place_ . It was like the fade but .. not quite. I had marveled at the place, it had felt beyond peaceful there. Like it was welcoming me home.  
“We are settled then. I will tell the others, you all have jobs to do.” I turned on my heel and left the room. Some days it felt like wrangling halla in there. I shook my head and walked back into the hall. I had already decided on who I was taking into the Wilds with me. Solas, Dorian and Bull. We worked.. Seamlessly together. 3 different magicks, with Bull being our literal battering ram. Cassandra was staying behind at the keep to keep an eye on things here in Cullen’s absence. Leliana and Cullen would be out in the field with us. It felt, it felt very final, this trip. I couldn’t put a finger on why. I saw Solas in the door to the rotunda, and motioned him to follow me, and I made my way up to my room. I stood in front of the fire, staring into the flames. His arms wrapped around me from behind me, pulling me against him. I sighed, put my hands over his where they rested on my stomach.  
“Are you alright?” he asked me quietly. I nodded.

“I’m tired, and restless and I have no answers for anyone. But they are all fighting and it’s like.. Trying to catch all the water in my hands but everything just runs through my fingers. ‘Inquisitor,’ this, and ‘Herald,’ that. It’s wearing. I’m sorry,” I whispered the last. My words had gotten increasingly more bitter sounding.  
“Don’t apologize, you have shouldered a lot more than most. And most of it not of your own doing. Come,” and he pulled me towards the bed. I eyes him suspiciously.  
“It’s broad daylight, Solas,” I said with a catch in my voice.

“Ah, and who is the dirty minded one now? Lay with me. I want to show you something.” He laid on the bed, and pulled me down next to him. I laid with my head on his shoulder, my leg over his and my hand on his stomach. He entwined his fingers with mine and ran his other hand down my back.  
“Close your eyes, and trust me.” I nodded. Closed my eyes, and just breathed.  
  
_“Open your eyes,” he whispered. I did. And found myself laying in a field, the sky barely bright above us, blue and gold flowers surrounding us. I sat up slowly. Touched a finger to one of the blue flowers, and little sparks of teal and silver light erupted from the flower. I gasped. Looked at him and he poked a gold flower.. Red and purple sparks floated into the air. I ran my hand through the sparks and they tingled when they touched be but seemed little put out by my presence. I touched several more flowers, and they all did the same. I laughed._ _  
_ _“What is this place?” I asked him with a grin. He smiled back at me._   
_“I found this awhile back. It’s actually not far from Skyhold, though to look at the field now you would never know this had existed there before. It’s bleak and barren now. But this? This is the memory the field has. It was once very beautiful, was it not?” I nodded, looking around. I knelt on the ground, my hands fanning out around me, touching as many flowers as possible, little sparks of light dancing around me. I laughed again, feeling far less stressed than I had mere minutes earlier. I picked a flower, and before he could react, I tossed it at his head. It stuck to his forehead a moment, before sliding off his face. Little sparks of light burst around his head, and some even reflected off the skin on his head. I covered my mouth with my hands to try and squelch the laughter._

_“Did you really just..?” he asked, his face a mix of shock and.. Amusement? I shook my head, but before I could move, his hands swept out and around him, creating thousands of the little sparks, and he manipulated the air around  himself to send them all swirling around me. I gasped again, as they swirled around my hands, through my hair, and up into the air. I crawled across the ground back to him. Gave him a kiss, “Thank you,” I said._ _  
_ _“It was really my pleasure. You look radiant. Happy even. It’s a grand thing to see.”_ _  
_ _I smiled again. His hands came up and framed my face, drawing it back to his. He settled his lips on mine again, soft and warm. I sighed and leaned into the kiss. He drew me up against him, us both kneeling there in the field, my hands on his waist and his still holding my head. He pulled away after a few minutes, and putting his arms around me, he guided me back onto the grass, and laid on top of me. I marveled at the little sparks of light floating around us again, and he chuckled. He picked one of the flowers, and softly ran it down my cheek, making the air around my face blaze with the little lights. I smiled up at him and he returned the smile. He leaned down and kissed me again. Passion and need, I clung to him as he kissed me senseless. His hips rubbed his arousal against me through my pants, making me moan into his mouth. He pulled away, kneeling between my legs. He started to unbutton my shirt, and I helped. He helped me take it off, laying me back into the flowers, causing more little lights to dance around us. He pulled his own tunic off, then moved to untie my pants. I lifted my hips to help him remove them, him just dropping it on my shirt. I watched him as he removed his own pants, his skin lit by the sparks of light. I grinned up at him as I threw another flower at him, where it exploded in sparks against his chest. I laughed and he quirked an eyebrow at me._   
_“Really?” he asked. I just nodded and he shook his head as he knelt back on the ground, between my legs. Though instead of laying with me again, he leaned forward and kissed my stomach. Put his hands under my hips and lifted me, before settling his mouth on me. I sighed. His tongue parted me, sliding between my lower lips, wet and hot. He ran his tongue up, circling it around my clit, making me twitch against him. I gasped when he sucked it into his mouth, rubbing at it with his tongue. His tongue slid down, inside me for a moment before moving back up, licking and sucking along the way. I moaned as he twirled his tongue against my clit, lighting every nerve ending on fire. I started to writhe, his mouth slowly working me towards insanity. The tension was unbelievable, like laying in that field heightened all my senses. He pulled away suddenly, making me frown up at him. He just shook his head at me and plucked another flower, drawing it up my stomach, between my breasts and up my neck, and watched the sparks fly into the air. My skin tingled where the flower had touched me, and I shivered from the sight of the little lights. “I will never forget this, Solas,” I whispered up at him. He smiled and dropped the flower, laid on top of me, his hips nestling onto mine. I sighed at the weight of him, pleasant and heady. His left arm propped him above me, and his right grasped another flower, trailing it from my forehead, and down my cheek, raising little sparks into the air, and as he set my skin tingling, he shifted his hips and slowly slid his cock into me. I moaned at the feel of him, hot and hard, and little lights dancing around my head. He smiled down at me, and I reached for his face, drawing my thumb across his lower lip. He lowered his face, and his lips captured mine. He started to move within me, this slow languid movement that filled me again and again. His tongue enticed mine, and I could feel my heart racing beneath his_.

_He reached for my hands, drew them above our heads, scattering the flowers and their lights. My whole body tingled as we moved in the field, his every thrust sending sparks into the air._

_He pulled his mouth from mine, his face pressing against my neck, as he quickened his pace. I was moaning and meeting his thrusts, silently begging for more. He whispered in my ear, “Keep your arms above your head when I move,” and then he was lifting himself off of me, still buried deep. He knelt there between my legs, thrust once, twice more, then his hand moved to my clit and I lost all thought. I could only feel.. The heat of him inside me, the pressure of his finger on my clit, the tight little circles it drew, the tension in my stomach, the tingling of my skin as the flowers touched me, and the sparks flying into the air around me. I pressed my face to my arm as I finally .. finally peaked. I cried out as my back arched, my entire body shaking. My muscles clenching and throbbing, grasping and shuddering. Sheer force of will had me watching his face as he succumbed to his own orgasm, his head thrown back, hands gripping my hips, groaning. Throbbing and pulsing inside me, hot and heavy._ _  
_ _I moved my arms, sending more lights into the air, and he laughed with me, my delight fairly evident at that point. He pulled away and laid next to me, and we laid there for a while, just playing with the flowers, naked under the dark sky, not a care in the fade. Eventually, he gathered me close, kissed me again, and…_

 

I woke up next to him on my bed. I stretched and looked up at him, to find him grinning at me. I rolled on top of him and kissed him. “That was amazing! I’ve never seen anything like that! How did you find it?”  
He laughed, “It is amazing, which is why I shared it. I stumbled across it in the fade, as I do usually. I saved it for a day when you needed it, like today. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I know I did.” And I blushed. We had both enjoyed it, immensely. He wrapped his arms around me. “Do you feel better?” he asked with a grin. I could only nod.

“Much better. Thank you.” He nodded.  
“It’s always a sight, seeing you laugh so freely. I wish you could do it more. It brightens everything around you,” he said quietly, his eyes staring into mine. And set me to blushing again.  
“I do not. Stop that,” and I tried to get off of him, but he held me fast. “Oh no you don’t. I like you where you are.” I looked down at him.  
“You like me where?” I asked before I shifted my hips, rubbing myself against him. His eyes narrowed.  
“But it’s ‘broad daylight’, Inquisitor. Whatever will your people think?” he asked me, trying to sneer the words but failing when he broke into a smile. I placed another soft kiss on his lips, and jumped when someone knocked on the bedroom door. I pressed my forehead to his and sighed. When I went to call out an answer, he shook his head and captured my mouth again, effectively silencing me when his tongue delved into mine. I shivered in his arms, and fell into the kiss. A second knock sounded, but we ignored that one too. His hands slid down and pulled up the back of my shirt, only to delve beneath and slide up my back. I gave a little moan when he slid them around my sides, still under my shirt, to each cup a breast. He made a low sound in his throat as I rubbed against him again, feeling him harden beneath his pants.  
I was so engrossed in what we were doing that I never heard the door open, or the feet on the stairs. Until someone cleared their throat from the top of them. I squealed, and pressed closer to Solas, effectively trapping his hands.. On my breasts. I buried my now bright red face in his shoulder, before a muffled, “What is it?!” escaped my face.

“It is I, Dorian, your _worship_ .” I bit back a laugh. How awkward for him. Solas chuckled under me and I poked him to try and shush him. He only chuckled more.  
“Dorian.. What is it?” I asked again, a little more politely.  
“There’s someone downstairs you need to see. I wouldn’t have come up here if I’d know _this_ was going on, but Leliana said it’s important. I think it’s one of the elves that was here with your Keeper friend.”  
And with those few words, my blood ran cold. I slowly sat up, and looked down at Solas, his eyes suddenly very serious.  
“Thank you, Dorian, we’ll be right down,” he answered for me as I seem to have lost all means of speech. Dorian and Solas shared a look, then he nodded and quickly left. Solas pulled his hands from my skin, and sat up with me, pulling me close.  
“You don’t know what’s happened,” he whispered. And I just shook my head. But I did know. It was why I had been in such a foul mood the whole day. I had dreamt of the group with Deshanna, being beset by red templars on their return home, somewhere in northern Ferelden, as they were getting ready to board their ship home.

I explained that to him, in a low frantic whisper. And he sighed. He set me onto the bed and got up, fixing his clothes. He pulled me up then, and set about fixing mine too. He smoothed my hair away from my face and kissed my forehead. Then he grasped my hand and pulled me from the room.

Down in the hall, Sable stood there by my throne, blood on his face and gashes on his arm and side. I gasped and pressed a hand to my stomach. Solas pulled me forward and asked how Sable and the others fared.  
“We were ambushed outside of Highever, where our boat was docked. The Keeper managed.. She managed to save me, Lemen and Jarel. And herself, but barely. She is with your healers now. We returned here, barely. I have never seen men like those,” he whispered.

I finally spoke, “Red Templars,” I said quietly. Sable nodded, his face a grim mask compared to his usual sass and confidence.

“They were terrifying and we had no chance. There was a huge one, wielding a hammer that was the same size as me. And for all of my speed, I couldn’t move fast enough. They cut down 4 of us in mere seconds, and 3 more in the minute after that. I've never seen men like that,” he said, his tone very defeated sounding. I sighed. “You'll stay here and mend, and when we send you home, I'll have a contingent of men take you back to Highever. Leliana, send a raven to Highever and have the captain of the boat they were taking informed. I need to see Desh, eh, the Keeper.” I nodded to them all and clenching my hands I turned to leave the hall. Solas followed me, silent in his support.

I left the main hall quickly, and made my way to the hospital building. Lemen and Jarel were waiting outside with one of the nurses tending to their fairly superficial wounds. Jarel looked to be in shock still, and Lemen was just.. Silently stoic. I nodded to them before making my way inside. Deshanna lay on the high bed, her arm and neck covered in Red Lyrium burns. Her hair was singed but otherwise she… only looked to be in pain.

I rushed to her side, took her uninjured hand. She smiled up at me, “You're a sight for sore eyes, Da’len. I missed you so, so we came back to visit,” she said, with a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. I smiled down at her. “You've been gone too long this time. We'll get you better, better than new.  We have the best healers I've ever seen. And I have some new tricks of my own.” She nodded. The head healer, Jace, motioned me over. “I'm going to sedate her and begin the healing. I will go first, then Marten. After we all rest tonight, you can do yours tomorrow. Her body should be rested enough by then. And we will be as well, to lend you our strength. Are you sure this is how you wish to proceed?” I nodded. We had done this before, after other bigger battles. Working in tandem, so as to get the best effort from us all. The Knight Enchanter ability that revives and heals was a massive boon in situations like that. My mark made it even more powerful. We would be sure to have the other 3 injured with Deshanna, and they would all catch the healing magic when I expelled it.

Jace went to work, after giving Deshanna a sleeping draught. Once she was fully out, he set about healing the underneath part of the burns, where the lyrium contamination was likely to start. We watched him and as I saw his strength waning, I touched him to break the healing trance. He slipped to the floor, exhausted. Solas helped him get up and then Marten moved into view, finishing what Jace had started. Healing the red lyrium burns was tricky. They started out mild looking but then it spread as the days wore on and eventually killed their victims. Healing them this way, in tandem with the Knight Enchanter heal coming in last and doing a last sweep, it seems to clear the infection before it can take hold. When Marten was finished, I helped him to a chair, gave him some water to drink and checked to see if Deshanna was resting peacefully, and she seemed to be. I rubbed my face, and Solas came to me, wrapping his arm around me. I turned into his arms, and pressed my face to his chest. He stroked my hair and just held me. Eventually I pulled away, and after a word or two with the healers, I left the hospital and went back to the main hall. Solas followed me closely, still there for me. I was barely holding it together at that point. I needed to release whatever this was. I asked Solas to give me a little time alone, and after kissing my forehead he left me be, albeit reluctantly. I quickly made my way to my rooms, locking both doors behind me. Once in there, I paced. Going over everything that had happened, what Sable had said. The only thing I could conclude was that we had a spy inside the Inquisition forces, or we were being watched closer than anyone thought possible.

I clenched my left hand, feeling my anger turning uglier by the second. The last year, it had seemed this never ending list of tragedies striking at me. And just when I thought things were getting better… another invisible punch to my soul just came along and gave me a painful greeting.

Why Deshanna? She was.. All that was good in our clan. Really good. She led with a fair mind and stiff back, but her heart? Her heart was the softest I had ever known. She loved freely, and even when I was angry with her and myself when my mother died, she had let me rage when she had to be feeling it as deeply as I had. My chest felt tight. She had almost died. Because of _me._ When would this.. Ever end?

I knelt in the middle of my room, and finally let it go. That barrier in my head holding back all of the emotions I was never allowed to let free. As a mage. As a woman? As an _elf_. The fire in the fireplace flared, flames roaring out of it like a dragon blowing. I clutched my head, barely noted the green glow on my hand, as I felt the power burning through me.

WHY!? Was it not enough that I give of every part of my own being, must those I love also be sacrificed to this insane quest to save the world? I felt the tears hot on my face, heard glass shattering. I fell forward, my left hand clawing at the rug, pressed my head to the floor as the pain burned through me.

_‘You feel things too deeply, Shayde.’ Deshanna tsked at me as I sat on the ground, the earth around me charred. ‘You have to learn to leash it. Leash it tightly and do not let it rule you. That is the only way you, as a mage, will ever be safe. Emotions will cripple you.’ She sighed and brushed her hand against my head, ‘I’m not telling you not to feel, because you should always feel. But don’t let the emotions carry you, you carry them. Keep them close and when you feel overwhelmed, let them go. Release the power they hold over you, and while things might break, you will be better for it. And a less likely target for unscrupulous spirits.’ And in that moment I had hated her. For being right? For knowing me in a way I was still learning about._

I laid on the floor, curled in on myself, and I let the tears fall freely. I was just so tired. So much pain. So much death. I was still laying there, sobbing, when Solas came into the room. I shook my head and tried to move away but he rushed to me on the floor, and just scooped me up, careful to avoid the glass on the floor. He laid me on the bed, then curled up against my back, holding me against his chest. And let me cry.

 

I have no clue how long we laid there, curled up on my bed. Eventually I fell asleep for a while. A blissful dreamless sleep. When I woke, Solas was still laying there next to me, watching me sleep. I rolled over to face him. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly, my voice hoarse from earlier. He just shook his head. “You needed time. I gave it to you. But you needed me more than you didn’t, and I could feel your turmoil. Dorian could too, he came to me and seconded my decision to come up here. Your locks are terrible by the way.” I tried to smile but couldn’t quite get there.  
“Shayde. You extinguished every fire in the keep.”  
“What?”  
“Ah yes. That got your attention. Every flame, as if water had doused them all. Candles, fireplaces, lanterns. Even the cooking fires. Harrit was mighty put out, from the blustering I heard when I was heading up here.” I pressed my face to his chest. How? How had I managed that?

“Shayde, there’s more.” I shook my head. “You.. well you broke all the glass up here. And there’s a scorch mark on your rug. Are you alright?” he asked. I shook my head again.

“Did I really do all that?” I whispered, horrified. He chuckled. Actually chuckled. I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.  
“Oh you should have seen Varric’s face, when that big fire in the hall went out. And the chandeliers? He was yelling about blood mages and saying Hawke was right. And Josephine kept trying to light her little candle and it kept dying. She was rather perturbed. Dorian and I promised to have a good laugh later about it all. Because it was fairly priceless. But beyond that, we need to figure out how. How it happened.”  
I could feel myself pale, blood rushing from my face. I moved away from him, got up off the bed, and stepping gingerly around the glass on the floor, I made my way to the balcony, to see the damage. From the looks of things, fire was back where it should be, from the torches and lit windows I could see.

“Solas, can I show you a memory? Is that possible? With whatever connection this is that we have, I’d rather show you than explain it badly.” I heard him cross the room, and he took my hand. I kept looking out at the keep, needing to ground myself.  
He raised my hand to his face, pressed it to the side of his head, using his other hand to guide my face to look at him. He put his hand to my head, “Show me,” he stated. I nodded, closing my eyes, remembering that day in the forest, with Deshanna and the explosion of emotion. I walked through the memory, replaying it word for word. Emotion and tension. The scorched circle on the ground around me, how much damage I managed to do. Grief is a powerful thing in the hands of a sensitive mage, a sensitive powerful mage. I eventually let my hand fall back to my side and pulled away from him, walked to the railing, leaned against it. I sighed. He joined me after a moment.  
“So you what? Lock it all away? I know you always seem so in control, but this?” he asked. I shook my head.

“We don’t have Templars where I’m from. I mean there are, but as a First I was subjected to different rules. I had to control myself, there was no other option, it was control or be sent away. Or hurt someone and hate myself. So I control it. Constantly. Why do you think I seek so much alone time? It's.. Draining. When I feel so very much. All the time. The only time I don't want to get away.. Is when I'm with you.” I sighed.

“Well at least I'm good for something. Are you alright?” he asked again. I gave a wan smile.

“I'm fine. I should have gone outside the castle, that's all. Apparently I was really angry. And grieving. But mostly angry. I'm sorry.”

He pushed away from the railing and came to stand behind me. Wrapped his arms around me and put his face next to mine. I rested my head against his chest, my hands on his. I sighed.

“Do you think we should tell people what I did?” I asked with a giggle. A giggle I couldn't contain at the thought of Josie and her ever dying candle.

“We should let them wonder. Let it be one of the miracles of the Inquisition,” he answered with a chuckle. I laughed. Glad he had lifted that particular burden. And glad I could share it, trust enough to.

“Ar lath ma, vhenan,” he whispered in my ear, sending shivers through me.

“Ar lath ma, vhenan,” I answered with a sigh.

 

**Back in the Present -**

“Ar lath ma, vhenan,” I whispered into the air. Looking around, I found myself back in the side balcony, sitting on the floor. My stomach was calm, as was my heart. I sighed, got up and stretched, and clutched at the wall while another wave of dizziness swept me. I made my back into the room, debating going into the hall for food or just sleeping.

But afraid to sleep, because sleeping drew my soul to his. And I didn't think I had it in me yet to deny him. Or myself.

So I made my way slowly downstairs, into the hall filled with the delicious smells of the cooks magic. I sat with Cole and Varric, ate some bread and a bowl of soup, laughed at their antics and tried to forget for just a little while what was looming on the horizon.

Dorian and Bull sat by the fire and Dorian was watching me a little too closely. I finally gave in and went to sit with him. He pulled me up next to him, his arm around my shoulder.

“Are you feeling any better, beautiful lady?” he asked me quietly. I just nodded. “I'm fine Dorian. It's just hard some days. Harder than most days. I saw him last night. Forgot to hide my hair. I.. I made him sad. Then I scolded him like Deshanna used to scold me. This cold calculated voice. And he seemed so torn. And it breaks me a little more every time I leave him there, I love him so,” I ended in a whisper. He sighed and hugged me.

“I know you do. We'll figure this out. I promise. Now, do me a favor and take my Amatus there outside for some target practice. He's been all fidgety today and making me crazy. Please.” I heaved a dramatic sigh and kissed his cheek.

“You're lucky I love you too, Dorian.” He just grinned at me. “Bull, I have some daggers that need to be thrown. Care to help me?” I said to Bull. His face lit up and he jumped to his feet. “About time I get some action!” he yelled. Dorian just roared with laughter. “Uh, wrong kind of action, but still fun! Shut up, Kadan,” he muttered before stalking from the hall. I followed him, much to Dorian’s delight.

After an hour or so of target practice, and Bull being sufficiently pleased with my progress, I finally went back inside as it was getting dark. I bid goodnight to Cullen and Varric in the hall and walked up to my room. Set the wards. Went to my closet to change into a black satin nightgown. Went to stand before the mirror and took the braid out of my hair, brushing it with my fingers. I glanced at my stomach, and with a final stare, I turned and went to my bed. Laid down and cuddled with the pillow that still smelled of him. And back to sleep I went…

  
_To find Solas in my dreams again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This is an idea I played with a lot. Some of the girls at the one FB fan page I'm a part of kinda helped urge what I had already been mentally toying with. It has a sense of irony that I cannot get rid of. The rest of the chapters will be a mix of then and now, explaining events after Mythal's Temple, Solas and the vallaslin and defeating Corypheus, and Solas' eventual leaving. I will be continuing on into the events of Trespasser and will probably include bits from Descent and Jaws of Hakkon for good measure.  
> Please enjoy!


	5. What's That You're Hiding?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see a bit more of present day pregnant Shayde, with flash backs to before Solas left..  
> Someone surprising comes to Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote much of this chapter while on my phone.. So please forgive any grammar mistakes. Autocorrect keeps making me her slave :(

**Memories - The Rotunda - Post Well of Sorrows**

 

“I begged you not to drink from the Well. Why could you not have listened?” Solas said, facing the wall away from me. He sounded.. Sad? I cocked my head and waited.

“You have given yourself into the service of an ancient elven god!” he yelled, as he turned on me.

“And what does that mean, exactly?” I asked quietly. My heart was still hammering and my head ringing from the Wells power.

He sighed. “You are Mythal’s creature now.” He shook his head. “Everything you do, whether you know it or not, will be for _her_. You.. You have given up a part of yourself.”

He made it sound as I had sold myself into slavery. I shook my own head, beginning to get annoyed. “You don't even believe in the ancient elven gods, Solas!”

“I don't believe they were gods, no. But I believe that they existed! Something had to exist to start the legends, Shayde. If not gods, then mages, or spirits, or something we've never even seen. And you are inextricably bound to one of them now.” He sighed again. “Though I suppose it is better you have the power than Corypheus. Which leads to the next logical question. What will you do with the power of the Well once Corypheus is dead?”

I just stared at him. What did I look like? Some power mad elf wench who had no sense?

“If this war has proven anything it's that things can't go back to how they were. So I aim to help everyone move forward,” I answered, mildly surprised at myself. But it was true.

“You would risk everything you have on the hope that the future is better?” he asked me. “What if it isn't though? What if you wake up and find the future you shaped is worse than what was?” He started to pace. “What then?”

I sighed. This was a ridiculous conversation. “I’d take a step back, breathe and figure out what happened, then try again.”

“Just like that?”

I shrugged. “If we don't keep trying, we'll never get it right.”

He seemed.. Resolved. “You're right. Thank you.”

I stared at him again. Where was the Solas from the night before? The one who had held me deep into the night? Whispering in my ear plans and wondrous things?

“You have not been what I expected, Inquisitor.” I raised an eyebrow. _Inquisitor_ was it? “You have..  impressed me. You have offered hope that if one keeps trying, even if the consequences are grave… that someday, things will be better.” He sighed again, and shook his head.

I was just.. Confused.

“Forgive my melancholy. Corypheus has cost us much. The Temple of Mythal did not deserve such a fate. The orb he carries, with its stolen power, that at least we may still recover.” I just nodded. Wary.

“With luck, some of the past may yet survive.”

I put my hand on my hip, tried for a bit of levity. “You're being grim and fatalistic in the hope of getting me into bed aren't you?” I asked with a grin. And he finally smiled.

“I _am_ grim and fatalistic, getting you into bed is just an enjoyable side benefit.” He reached out and grasped my hand. The first time he’s touched me since the Well. “Come with me, vhenan.”

 

**Back in the Present - 5 Months Post Well of Sorrows -**

 

I set down my quill, flexed and stretched my right hand. Writing with a new hand was still tiring. But legible now. I looked down at the paper and felt this.. Pain. Sharp, deep inside. Where no one was allowed to look. I put my head into my hands, sighing. Mid morning and I was.. So done with today. Last night I hadn't had to see Solas. But those strange wolves were there. The silver and black one.. That sometimes had 6 eyes in the right light. That one was not a wolf. Or a spirit. But I wasn't quite sure what he was. But he was insanely friendly. And often felt like an extension of myself.

Leliana had asked me again for a written record. I've given her pieces. But the whole? I don't know if I have it in me to tell them all. Tell them exactly what happened. How really shattered I was. Still am.

Dorian knows most of it. But even he doesn't know it all. How I followed Solas to Crestwood. How he held me, explained what the vallaslin started as. Slave markings. So much knowledge lost to time. He.. He knelt down at the side of the the pond, the stars shining above us. This pensive look on his face. Offered to remove the marking. I consented.. Because he seemed so sure. Confident. My skin had tingled as they disappeared amidst a flurry of blue and white lights swirling around my face. I had opened my eyes to find him staring at me in wonder.

“You are so beautiful, vhenan,” he had whispered there. In the dark. Moonlight our only illumination. He stood up, held out his hand and helped me stand. Pulled me into his arms, kissed me senseless. Deep. Soul scorching. World shattering. When he pulled away he.. Looked like he was about to speak. Reluctantly pulled away.

Told me how this couldn't be. How if the world were a different better place he could stay and things would be alright.

I pleaded with him. Begged. Cried. Because why? Why, after all we had shared and admitted and given, why walk away _now_? Why, why take away my vallaslin, free me as it were to shackle me to a love I couldn’t share?

I got out of my chair, started to pace in my room. I looked down at my right hand, felt the power beneath my skin. Cold and hard. I walked to the side balcony, leaned against the doorframe as _he_ once had.

Remembered coming back to the keep, walking through in a swirl of cold. Ice littered the path around me as I made my way through the keep to my room. I froze my door shut climbed the stairs to my room. The fire died in the instant I touched the floor. The statue of Fen’Harel iced over. I had stood there, in the center of my room, trying to understand. Then I had walked out into the very balcony I was currently standing on. Then? Then I had unleashed it. Stood at the railing, raising my face and hands to the sky, and unleashed the rage. And pain. And the confusion. But mostly the pain.

A storm of epic proportions had formed over the keep, dumping first rain, then snow on the keeps inhabitants. For 3 days. I stayed locked in my room. Processing? I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. Didn’t speak. I ignored everyone and everything. I had to lock it away. Or it would drown me. For days afterwards, they were still shoveling snow and removing it from the keep, and poor Cullen had had to move inside the main hall as the roof of his room had collapsed under the weight of the snow. No one spoke to me of it. Except Dorian. And all I could tell him was that it was better this way.

-

I looked down, at the tunic concealing the life growing inside me. It felt like a prison. I was almost resentful of having to hide her. But, I wasn’t at the same time. It was for our combined safety. Since we had no clue what was going on. Or how she would affect the world. The Well spoke then. Whispers in my head like distant whisps of dreams.   
I listened.. Walked back to my desk, waved my hand and whispered a few words. And the words appeared on the papers I had laying there. They poured from my hand to the pages. Memories, feelings. All there.

 

I sat on the bed when I had finished, a wave of dizziness washing over me. I knew I had to eat. I sighed, got up and walked to the stairs, held the wall as I descended. Made my way into the hall. Then gingerly made my way to the door to the kitchens. Sighed when I saw how steep the stairs really were.

 

“ _You are the strongest woman I know_ ,” he had told me. Many times. In the fade and out. I squared my shoulders and made my way down the stairs. The cook looked relieved to see me. Offered me a pot of tea and some light honey biscuits. I sat at one of the tables down there and devoured the food. She brought me a bowl of fruit and I ate that too. After finishing the tea and hugging her for her generosity, I left the room. And as if some string pulled me, I made my way to that little hidden library here in the basement. The one I had dreamed about before actually finding. I opened the door and walked into the room. It felt cold and lonely. The books were still there, in their long held places. And on the book stand on the desk sat a drawing. Of a wolf and I. The.. The wolf and I. It was.. Heartbreaking. And beautiful and wrenchingly drawn. I knew how it had gotten here. _He_ had been here. Again. I almost grabbed the paper. But instead I waved my hand over the paper, and the words “Ar lath ma, vhenan” appeared across the bottom.

Then I turned on my heel and left the room. Locking the door magically behind me. Setting a ward only he could open.

And I made my way out of the basement, back to the main hall. Cullen stood at the top of the stairs, waiting for me.   
He held out a paper, handing it to me. “This report just came in,” he said. I looked at the paper and snorted.   
“Wolves? Outside the castle?” I almost laughed. We knew who it was.   
Cullen just nodded. “Some of the men are worried. What should I tell them?”   
I shrugged. “Tell them to leave the wolves be unless they are in immediate danger. But I don’t think they will be.” I handed him the paper back and went back to my room for shoes. I had forgotten them in my quest for food. After slipping the boots over my calves, I went back downstairs to find Bull. I still had things to learn.

 

Several hours later, shaking and sweaty I walked into the rotunda, and called up the tower for Dorian. He came down the stairs to find me sitting on the desk. “Are you alright?” he asked me. I nodded. “I need a bath. And I need help out of this damn tunic. Could you.. Could you get them to bring the tub upstairs and help me?” He chuckled and nodded, kissing my head. Whistled as he left the room to go get started. I looked around at the paintings Solas had left. When he had started they seemed like.. An ideal way to pass the time when not doing magic related things. But they seemed almost mournful now. But there.. Behind the scaffolding. The wall was bare. I thought on that as I left the rotunda and went back to my room. Not long after, the tub was brought up into the room and filled with gloriously hot water. The men left the room and Dorian came up, bearing fluffy towels, scented soap and a book.

He warded the room, drew the spelled curtains over the doors and then unwove the enchantment on the tunic I was wearing. I sighed when he pulled it off. “I don’t think I will ever get used to wearing that,” I grumbled. He smirked.   
“Safety before fashion, my dear. This type of fabric holds spells excellently. And unless they were looking for it and touching it, no one would know what to see to unmake the spells.. So it’s a win win. Besides, here after long you won’t be leaving the keep much anyhow. I can see how wearing it is on you. And closing many more rifts in your condition is likely to be more harmful than helpful. Now, get into the tub and I’ll be back with some tea and something to eat.”   
I sighed when I slipped into the water, relishing the feel of the water leaching the pain out of my sore muscles. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the towel Dorian had provided. Thought back on those days after I had buried the keep in snow. How Solas had avoided me at all costs, and Dorian and Cassandra tried their best to get me to talk to them. Bull had eventually yelled at me for scaring everyone. “You look broken, Boss. Broken bosses make for big messes. Now get your head out of your ass and fix this shit!” I had.. Well first I ran off and cried. But he was right. I had to stop. So… So I buried it all. Under layer after layer of magic and woven mental protections deep inside my head. And I pretended that his absence didn’t hurt. And left him at the keep when we went out and about. Because having him there so close was like pouring acid in my eyes.   


_“Vhenan?” I heard. Opening my eyes I found myself sitting in that field of flowers we had visited so long ago. Solas was sitting in front of me. I sighed. Didn’t realize I had fallen asleep. At least my subconscious had hidden .. hidden enough._ _  
_ _“Solas.”_ _  
_ _“Why are you here? It’s not even close to nightfall..”_ _  
_ _I smirked. “I had a hard day and was taking a bath. I must have fallen asleep. Why are you here?” I asked._ _  
_ _“Ah. I was.. Lonely. So I came to remember.”_ _  
_ _I sighed. “You don’t have to be lonely. You could come home.”_ _  
_ _His turn to sigh. “You know I cannot.” I shrugged._   
“Your choice. Who are the wolves?”

_He just looked at me. “I know they aren’t just wolves. The one.. Feels like you.” He looked down at his hands in his lap. I reached out and lifted his face again. Then I leaned forward and kissed him. He tried to pull away, but I held him firm. His arms snaked around me, pulling me against his chest. His mouth opened and his tongue swept into mine. I sighed as he surrendered. And we stayed there, locked in each others arms, kissing under the darkening sky, the flowers still around us. Eventually I pulled away, and with a wave of my hands I sent a shower of sparks into the air, and with a smile, I whispered, “Ar lath ma, vhenan,” and.._

 

Woke up in the bath tub. Dorian was sitting at my desk, a tray of food in front of him and an arched eyebrow looking at me. I warmed the water again, and felt the blush creeping up my chest.

“Ah. You saw him.” I nodded. “Are you alright?” he asked. I thought a moment and nodded again.   
“I have a feeling I will see him tonight as well.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. I snorted and set about trying to wet my entire head so as to wash my hair. But those muscles in my back were very unhappy with said movements and I hissed before I could stop the sound. He was instantly on his feet, hurrying to the tub to help me, using a small bucket to scoop the water. We were done in a few minutes, and he helped me stand. I wrapped a large towel around myself and stepped out of the water, then did the same for my hair. I went to the desk and grabbed a chunk of apple and chewed it thoughtfully. I went to the closet and grabbed one of the long warm robes Leliana had insisted on getting me. A dark royal purple color, very stark against my light skin. I heard Dorian bringing up the men to empty the tub. I stayed in the closet until they were gone.   
I went to sit on the bed, after retrieving the tray of food. Dorian came back and sat across the tray from me. We ate in silence, for the most part. When I finished, he took the tray back to the desk. Then returned to the bed. And sighed dramatically.

“Dorian. Talk.”

He tried shaking his head and I raised an eyebrow in challenge. “Oh alright. I have to take a, well a trip. And Bull wants to accompany me. In the guise of my body guard. Because I have to go to Tevinter. My father wrote, my mother is sick.” I sighed.

“Why are you telling me like this? Go! Be with her. Make things better, or right, or at least amicable.”

He shook his head. “I'm worried you'll do something stupid while I'm gone,” he mumbled. I sat up straighter.

“You what?”

“You heard me. You don't think straight when I'm not around. You get all gooey and it's ‘Solas' this and ‘maybe I should tell him’ that. You, woman, are a danger to yourself.” I sighed. While on one hand he was right, on the other, he had no idea how much self control I exerted every waking and sleeping moment of every day.

“Dorian. Go home. You can go and make it back before the.. Before it happens. I will make a blood promise if you wish, and not do anything stupid.” He just looked at me.

“Ok I won't do anything super stupid, hormones might make minor stupid happen whether or not I intend it.”   
He looked skeptical.   
“Dorian, you have to go. No matter what I’m going through.. She’s your mother. Go home. I will attempt to stay out of trouble.”   
He sighed. “I’m going to make Cullen stick to you. He is as good as I am at nagging. And he’s pretty to look at. So if you do something stupid he’s going to tell me. Fair warning,” he grumbled at me. I shook my head.

“Love you too, Dorian.”

“Pah. Of course you do. Look at this face! How could you not?” and with that grand statement, he got up, hugged me and went off to finish packing. I went into the closet to change into a loose tunic, some soft linen loose pants and a vest. The tunic hid my stomach for the most part and since I was only going to be taking the tray back to the kitchen, I wasn’t too worried about it. I slid some boots on, and put the glove over my left hand. Grabbed the tray from the desk and headed back down to the main hall, then down to the kitchen. I gave the tray and many thanks to the cook in the kitchen. She gave me a pretty smile and shoo’d me out of the room. I went back upstairs and spotted Varric sitting at a table with one of the elven scouts. They were chatting about his crossbow, Bianca. I smiled when Varric saw me and motioned me over. When I reached the table, something about that elf caught my attention. But I couldn’t say what it was.   
“This is Vernas, one of the elves that joined the Inquisition back before I did. He’s been off doing “spy stuff” for Leliana and this is one of his longer trips back to the keep. Vernas, this is the Inquisitor, Shayde Lavellan,” Varric introduced us. I held out my hand to say hello and Vernas looked.. Momentarily scared (?) before taking my hand and shaking it, murmuring a quiet hello. I chatted with them for a few minutes but with that nagging feeling creeping about in my head I excused myself and went into the rotunda. I dismissed the feeling as a momentary bit of hormonal paranoia. I looked about and with no audience, I used a bit of magic to move the scaffolding that was still in the room Solas had used. Once it was firmly set across the room I approached the wall and studied it. I knew what I wanted to paint there.   
The field of flowers. A perfect moment. In an otherwise imperfect time. I went to the desk and searched it for papers to write a list of supplies I wanted. What I found surprised me. Sketches, of myself and Solas. Together. Of wolves, and flowers, and that clearing where he and I made love countless times. In and out of the fade. He had drawn my hands with his, me sleeping. My chest felt tight. I could feel the tears streaking down my cheeks, and I hastily tried to wipe them away. I sifted through more of the papers there. And there were countless letters, from him to me, started, crumpled, never finished. Then smoothed out and saved. I gathered them all up, sketches, letters and all. Set them in a pile on the desk. Found a pencil and a blank page, quickly wrote out the list of items I was wanting, and without thinking about it further, I took the pile of pages with me, and the list. I handed the list to Varric as I walked back through the hall, and asked him to get it to Josephine. And before he could say yes or no, I hurried back to my room. Once there, I went to my desk and took out a lump of wax, then went to my left closet. Started tacking the pictures to the wall. When I had filled a wall and a half, I was sitting on the floor crying. Quietly. It felt almost surreal, seeing this side of him. How he saw me. There were a few sketches of me by myself.. After he had broken off our relationship. One where I was sitting up on the battlements, and.. I looked so alone. It was a striking picture, and beautifully drawn. I sighed and leaned back against the wall left.

 

**2 Days Pre-Corypheus Defeat -**

 

Our main forces were still trickling in, and the keep was still mostly empty, except for staff and my closer companions. I stayed to myself still, not really wanting to be near anyone, Solas and his rejection hurting far more than I could have ever imagined. I had yet to go to the rotunda for anything since then. They were still making repairs from the “freak snow storm” that had happened. I had made happen. Still marveling at that one. I had tried to rationalize what Solas had done, and there was no way to. Dorian had tried talking to him, as had Bull. Until I asked them to stop. We had gone out the day before to close a few more rifts in the Emerald Graves and Sera had pecked at me the entire time, “Where is Solas?”, “What about lover-boy?”, and my current favorite, “Solas should be here, we need his shiny head to light the way.”

At that I had had to tell her to shut up or leave. I was barely containing myself at that point. Dorian had distracted her by insulting the Jenny’s, thankfully. We had finished up, and hurried home. Where I had sequestered myself in my room again. I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling. And, my body not listening to my heart, decided I needed to sleep.

 

_And I found myself in the fade. I was sitting in the garden in Skyhold, and it was dark. There were no stars, no sounds of the few birds I could usually hear. No wind rustling in the leaves. Just.. darkness and silence. I looked down and found myself wearing nothing but a simple white nightgown. I sighed and got up, made my way into the keep, my bare feet not making any noise on the stone floors. There were no torches lit, no one about. Silence reigned. I wandered around, still avoiding the rotunda. Vivienne’s balcony was quiet, the doors shut and the lanterns not lit like usual. I wandered down to the basement, past the quiet tables, the empty kitchen. Into that little old library. Where there was 1 lit candle. The room was cold, and empty like the rest of the keep. I went to the desk, and the book that had sat there all the other times I had been here was gone. I sat down and sighed._

_“Oh. I'm sorry. I'll leave you be,” I heard Solas say from the door. I looked up and my heart leapt in my chest. I said nothing. I got up and tried to walk away. But his hand on my arm stopped me. “Are you alright?” he dared to ask. I looked at his hand and watched the ice spread across his fingers. He let me go, shaking his hand, and I walked away, up the stairs and to the hall. I stood in the center and tried to center myself. I had spent days trying to not react. I fell to the floor, my heart hammering in my chest and all the magic in the world unable to stop it. Tears fell from my face onto the floor._

_“Shayde,” he whispered next to me. I pressed my face to the floor._

_“Please. Go. I can't do this again. It hurts too much,” I whispered brokenly._

_“I can't leave you like this.”_

_I sat up. “You caused this! You don't get to be noble and act like it's your.. Your damned duty to make sure I'm alright. I'm not alright. And your duty to me ended when you walked away.” I tried to stand to move away but I was shaking too badly. He pulled me into his arms and after only a moment's struggle, I clung to him, crying. “How could you do this?” I whispered. Not really expecting an answer._

_“I can't explain why. Not yet. I'm sorry.”_

_I shook my head, pressed my face to his shoulder. His heart was beating as wildly as mine. After a few minutes, I calmed most of the way. I looked up at him and before either of us could stop or think, his mouth was on mine. Mine opened with no urging, and his tongue swept inside. I sighed, my hands still gripping his shirt. I kissed him back, all the pain and passion and longing riding the kiss. I pressed against him, his arms clutching me close. After a few moments, I pulled away and stared at him._

_“Tell me you don't love me,” I ordered, my voice breathy and low._

_“I.. I can't. But..” and I shook my head._

_“Stop. I can't do this. I'm broken enough without you breaking me further. Do you know what I gave you, Solas? Complete trust. I haven't even given that to the Keeper, and yet I handed it to you. I've never.. Ever.. Felt more betrayed. Destroyed. In my life.” I said it all with a quiet conviction that belied the turmoil in my heart._

_“Ar. Lath. Ma. Vhenan. You spoke that to me countless times. You. You are my heart, Solas.” He stared at me, his eyes wide._

_“I won't.. I can't give up on whatever this is. Because I'm not you. But now? I need time.” And I made myself walk away. My back straight, my legs trembling, heart racing. I entered the door to my room…_

 

And woke up on my bed, my bed covered in frost. I scrambled up, and stared at it. Waved my hand over it and warmed the bed back up. Then sat on it and didn't move. My heart was still pounding and my thoughts were racing.

Those weren't the actions of a man who didn’t love someone. I buried my face in my hands. Too much, too soon.

 

**Back In The Present -**

 

I got up and left the closet, left the drawings and the memories.  Went to the bed and sat for a moment. The sun was already setting and Dorian was leaving in the morning. I went down and warded the door, then closed the spelled curtains. I went to the closet and changed into a black nightgown, and brushed then braided my hair. I went to the bed and sighed before climbing in. I arranged myself on the bed comfortably and mentally prepared myself.

I had a wolf to seduce.

 

_I found myself laying in the clearing, the same one we've met in countless times. I was watching the stars in the sky, just waiting. I could hear the footsteps of the wolves out in the trees, beyond where I could see in the half-dark that was nighttime in the fade._

_“I know you’re there. Come out? Please?” I said quietly. I could feel him there, even if I couldn't see him. The large silver and black wolf trotted out of the woods and laid down next to me._

_“Really, now? You can’t even face me?” I said with a smile. The wolf looked at me, with gray-blue eyes. “Solas.”_

_He sighed at me, if a wolf could actually sigh. “Vhenan..” The wolf closed his eyes, looked away. Then his body shimmered, and there laid Solas. I have him a brilliant smile._

_“I missed you,” I said. He eyed me warily._

_“And I missed you, vhenan. What is this game you play?” he asked me. I shrugged._

_“I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of pushing all of this.. Need.. Inside me away.” I turned onto my right side to face him. “Can you say differently?” I asked softly. His face softened, and he reached out to caress my face. My eyes closed when he touched me, the familiar longing ever present._

_“You know I can't. When you found me earlier today, I was rather surprised. Are you alright?” he asked. I nodded. Dorian and his warning clear in my mind._

_“I'm just tired. It's been a long 3 months. Things are still happening and it's… well a long story. But I suspect you know more than you let on.” He only inclined his head a bit.  It much of an acknowledgement but it would suffice._

_“I found your sketches today,” I whispered. His eyes widened._

_“They.. They're beautiful. Why did you leave them?”_

_He sighed. Then chuckled. “I didn't. I threw them out, many times, hoping to not feel everything they made me feel. But they kept showing up in the desk the next day. I think Cole had something to do with it.”_

_I laughed. Cole. He always knew far more than he should._

_“I am keeping them.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I need them. To remind me. To remind me why I fight for you.”_

_He sighed. I shook my head._

_“We are not done. You feel it as well as I do. Stop fighting me.”_

_He started to speak but I held up my hand. I sat up, and knelt on the ground next to him. He just looked up at my face. “You love me. There's no denying that. You feel this same pull I do. And even now, months later, here you are. With me.” He clenched his hands next to him on the ground. I reached down and put my hand on his cheek. “Love me,” I whispered. He closed his eyes, and so I leaned down to place a light kiss on his lips. His eyes opened. “Vhenan, love.. Me.”_

_His hands shot up and cradled my face, bringing it back down to his. He kissed me then, this fiery passionate kiss that shook me to my core._

_He pulled away, “You know not what you ask,” he whispered. I laughed. “Who said I'm asking?” His eyes narrowed. I pulled away and slid the straps of my nightgown from my shoulders. It fell from my arms, draping around my waist. His breath caught. He sat up and knelt in front of me. I smiled at him, bringing my hands to his chest, untying his tunic. He pulled it over his head and dropped it._

_“Touch me,” I whispered. His hand came up slowly, ran a finger down my jaw, my neck.. Across the side of my breast. My skin tingled in its wake. I reached out and mirrored his movements, and his eyes closed when I touched him._

_“Make love to me,” I whispered. He gave a low growl, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close, his mouth covering mine. My own opened beneath his, welcoming his tongue. I wrapped my arms around his waist, my hands on his back. He laid me back on the grass, and pulled my nightgown down my body. He sat back on his heels and looked at me, naked in the fade-moonlight._

_“You never fail to take my breath away,” he said quietly, his tone almost reverent. He stood and removed his own pants, then settled himself on top of me._

_He felt.. Gloriously at home there. I loved the weight of him, the heat of his skin, the scent of him. I pulled his mouth back to mine, as my hands started exploring his body. He sighed and slid his hands under me, pressing my pelvis closer to his. I rubbed my foot along the back of his leg, relishing the feel of him. He pulled his mouth from mine, moved to kiss my neck.. My shoulder… my chest.. To my breast. He licked my nipple, then pulled it into his mouth. He tugged at it with his lips, then moved to the other one, giving it the same attention. I sighed softly. He moved down and pressed his face to my stomach. I put my hand on his head. He looked up at me, and I chewed my lip, worried he would leave now. His eyes fell to my mouth, and he shook his head as he moved back up my body._

_“I used to watch you when we would be out exploring, making plans, together in Skyhold. You would do that when you started to worry. Chew your lip. It's a fascinating thing to witness.” I cocked an eyebrow. He kissed me softly. His hand slid down my stomach and when he reached my sex he seemed to hesitate. I pressed myself against his hand, and he needed no more urging than that. He slid his finger against me, parting me, then slid it inside me. I moaned, beyond thrilled at his touch. He pulled it back out and moved it up to rub lightly around my clit. Small, soft circles, creating this heat in my belly._

_“I missed this, vhenan,” I whispered. He smiled and leaned down to kiss me again. This lingering loving kiss, his tongue dancing with mine, keeping time with his fingers. I reached for his cock, hot against my thigh. I grasped it, stroking softly.  He pulled his mouth from mine and pressed his forehead to mine. I licked my bottom lip as I continued, back.. And forth. His hand stilled on me as I ran my thumb across the tip, causing his breath to stop._

_“I need you,” I whispered to him. He nodded. “I'll never… Ever.. Not need you,” he answered. I spread my legs and he settled himself between them. I grasped his hands and drew them above my head. He shifted his hips and thrust slowly into me. I gasped when he filled me. My heart raced and I felt like I was home. He stared down at me, and started to move within me. Hot.. And long.. And stroking me from the inside out. I wrapped my legs around him, gasping with each of his thrusts. My fingers gripped his as he took us higher and higher._

_“Ah, vhenan, pleeeaase,” I pleaded, my voice breathy. He thrust faster, his breath as ragged as mine. My back arched as I got closer and closer. I could feel him watching me, watching my face as I soared through the pleasure he was bringing me._

_He suddenly shifted both of my hands into his left hand, and his right sidled down my body, to come between us. He found my clit again.. And started this slow tantalizing caress, making me moan and writhe beneath him. His fingers moved with his hips, creating this undulating rhythm that made my bones jelly, and my body melt beneath him._

_Then.. bliss. My ears ringing, blood raging, heart pounding, I cried out as I fell over that perfect cliff. My body shuddered, trembling and covered in goosebumps. His thrusts slowed.. And he threw his head back as he growled out his own release. Throbbing inside me, hot and deep. Finally we stilled, clinging to each other, hearts pounding together. His head came to rest on my shoulder and his breath was hot against my shoulder._

_“We shouldn’t have done this,” he said. I laughed. Not a bitter laugh either._ _  
_ _“Yes, we should have. This is the one thing we’ve never done wrong. Do I lie?” I asked quietly, my mouth next to his ear. He sighed._

 _“You don’t. I just fear this makes it harder for you.” My turn to sigh._ _  
_ _“I won’t tell you it doesn’t have to be hard, because I don’t think it will change anything. But I will tell you that harder, well at this point it’s not much of a deterrent. I also.. I also won’t ask you to come home. Because it hurts us both. And I am tired of hurting. So I will take to waiting. Waiting for you to trust me,” I reached up and ran my hand down his cheek. “Wait for you to tell me what weighs so heavily on you. Even if it takes years. I will wait.”_   
He pulled his head up and looked down at me. “Don’t wait years. You.. you should move on.” And my heart.. It broke a little more. I pushed him off me and stood up, regardless of my undressed state. I could feel the fire in my face. 

_“How dare you?!” I yelled. “You took.. EVERYTHING from me! I handed you it all.. And you took it when you left. And yet I am here. Here, in the fade. With your seed still inside me. The imprint of your body still on mine. Because love.. Love doesn’t care. It has no time limit. No notions about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Love.. Love is giving and trusting and I love you. Nothing.. Nothing will change that. Not even you walking away time and again. Because.. You always come back. As do I. Because you love me as much as I love you.” Tears were streaming down my face. And as I spoke.. My voice got softer._

_He laid there staring up at me. I continued. “You and I are tied together. Something keeps us drawn to each other. At least I can admit it’s there. And for now I am content to let it be. Give me that.” He nodded and stood up, wrapping his arms around me. I buried my face in his shoulder and tried to calm myself._

_“I love you.. You know that,” he whispered. I nodded. I looked up at him, and he softly kissed me. “My heart. I always mean that,” he said. I kissed him again and pulled out of his arms, retrieving my nightgown from the ground._ _  
_ _“Ar lath ma, vhenan,” I said, looking at him. Then I turned and walked away.._

 

And woke up to hearing the birds outside chirping happily. Morning. I laid there, and took a breath. Felt the babe move inside me. I rubbed my hand over my stomach, hoping to calm her. After a few minutes laying there, just breathing, I got out of the bed, and went into the closet to dress. I pulled the enchanted tunic on and tried to set the wards on it myself. They fizzled at me. I growled and tried again, and this time.. They held. They held beautifully. I gave myself a mental pat on the back and ran out of the room barefoot to find Dorian and Bull before they left.

When I got to the main hall, I found them at the table eating breakfast. I hurried over and sat next to Dorian. “Did you save any for me?” I asked. Bull pushed the platter of eggs and biscuits towards me mournfully. I eyed him. “Why the face?”

“I like eating breakfast with you in the mornings,” he grumbled. I smiled at him. “You'll be back before you know it.” He just growled as he ate his sausages. Dorian sighed.

“He worries. We'll be back, hopefully soon. You remember what I told you?” he asked me quietly. I nodded after suppressing the urge to roll my eyes.

“I was able to ward the tunic this morning. And I know to be careful with.. With _him_. Please don't worry. Go see your mother and I'll be here. I'll even stay in the keep as much as possible. Just for you.” He smirked. I smirked. We finished our meal in peace. A little while later I hugged them goodbye and issued dire warnings to Bull about being Dorian home safe. Watching them leave, it was one of the harder things I've done.

 

**2 Months Later -**

 

I sat in the garden, blissfully alone. My back ached, though I was told it was just another joy of pregnancy. I was at the table in the gazebo, reading the daily reports. I was still dreaming with Solas almost nightly, although I wrote to Dorian and told him it was far less. We both knew I was lying. He had written me days ago saying they were headed home soon. And the keeper would be here soon as well.

The baby pressed her head against my ribs. Likely a protest to her increasingly smaller space. I frowned. I'm fairly small for an elf, and this pregnancy was tricky at best. I laid my head back on the chair. Sighed. Cullen would be back with food soon, and he would faithfully sit here and eat it with me. And we would have small talk. And he would ask me for the ten thousandth time how I was feeling. I was feeling like a caged animal. I hadn't left the keep in weeks, true to my promise to Dorian. I heard a sound, but when I looked it was one of the elven servants.

“Inquisitor? I was sent by Lady Cassandra. She said there is a messenger here for you?”

“Alright. Thank you, er.. Who are you?” I asked.

“Oh, I'm new here, your worship. I joined up a few weeks ago. It's an honor to meet you, Inquisitor,” he answered with a bow. I looked him over. Dark long hair, tucked back in a braid. Long, high ears, and bright green eyes.

“What's your name?” I asked.

“Ardil, Inquisitor.”

“A pleasure to meet you,” I offered with a smile, still not moving. “Could you please tell Cassandra I'll be right in?”

He nodded and turned away. Stopped. Looked back, “Are you in need of assistance?” he asked. I just shook my head and smiled. He left back into the main hall. I checked the warding on my tunic and after securing it, I moved the blanket and got up slowly. I went inside and could overhead raised voices. Cullen and Cassandra were arguing and I could hear Josephine trying to calm them. I walked into the room quietly, and just coughed. All 3 pairs of eyes were on me instantly. Cullen offered me a chair,and Cassandra rolled her eyes.

“Inquisitor, the messenger that is here for you is a woman, a Gray Warden I believe,” Josephine said before the other two could speak.

“And who is this Gray Warden?” I asked.

“I believe she is.. She is the Hero of Ferelden, Inquisitor.”

I sighed. “Really? Why would she come here?”

Cullen coughed. “She asked for Leliana first. Apparently she doesn't know that Leliana is now Divine. I might be able to help though. I knew her.. When she was in the Circle.” I raised my eyebrows.

“Is this Stephie?” I asked him, practically Giddy. He blushed. Then nodded.

I sprang to my feet. “Show her in, Josephine. Up to my room though, I'm going to pull the curtains for her safety.” Josephine nodded and left.

Cassandra heaved a sigh. “Well come on then, let's meet this woman.” And she walked out of the room. Cullen and I exchanged shrugs and followed. Once in my room, they pulled the curtains as I sat in the big cushioned chair I had gotten. It was like sitting in a cloud. A purple and silver cloud.

I heard the door open, and feet on the stairs. Cullen stood by the fire, anxious. Cassandra looked bored on the couch. Josephine appeared, then a hooded figure behind her. The figure stopped at the top of the stairs, and pulled the hood from her head. She was strikingly beautiful. Dark red hair, deep blue eyes. A scar on her chin, and a staff on her back. She looked around, but when she saw Cullen her blue eyes grew huge.

“Cullen? Is that.. You?!” she asked, her voice raspy and lovely.

Cullen coughed again. “Aye, it's me. How are you, Stephie?” he asked nervously. She rushed across the room and into his arms. He looked startled and after a moment he hugged her back. Eventually she pulled away and wiped her face. Then she turned to me, “Forgive me, you must be the Inquisitor. My manners, terrible I know. I'm Stephie Amell. Gray Warden. Mage. Tired traveller,” and she chuckled. I smiled back.

“Welcome to Skyhold,” I said to her, curiosity eating at me. “It seems you know our Commander, Cullen.” She nodded enthusiastically.

“He was serving at the Kinloch tower while I was there. I.. I heard he left the order after Kirkwall. I was there shortly after he left. What a mess!”

I nodded my agreement. “Commander Cullen is one of our greatest assets here. We would never have accomplished so much without him.” I watched him as I talked, and he was blushing furiously again.

“Forgive me. Stephie is it? I must ask.. Why is the Hero of Ferelden.. Here?” I asked quietly. She sighed.

“I've been on the road for months, more. Looking.. Looking for the cure to the calling. As a favor to King Alistair. He's a close friend. We.. We served in the wardens together against the Blight.” She looked down at her hands. “I'm exhausted, Inquisitor. And everywhere I went, they suggested I come to Skyhold if I needed help. I had hoped to find Leliana here. She is a good friend as well.”

I nodded. “Leliana left a few months ago, to become the Divine. She didn't tell you?” I asked.

“Oh she probably did, but it can take months for her letters to reach me. I don't mean to impose. If you wish, I can leave..”

I laughed. “Nonsense! You must stay. Rest and gather yourself. I know what it feels like. You'll be safe here. Josephine can show you to a quiet room above the garden and the evening meal is in an hour or so if you are so inclined.” Stephie looked relieved.

“Thank you, Inquisitor.” I shook my head.

“Call me Shayde, please?” I asked.

She nodded, “Of course! Call me Stephie. Or Steph. Maker, you make me nervous,” she rambled. Then she chuckled. “A hero nervous - what would people think?”

I whispered loudly, “I'm nervous all the time, don't worry about it.” She looked delighted. Cullen was staring into the fire, rather intently.

Josephine stepped in. “Come with me, Stephie. We will get you settled in and you can join us for a meal in a bit.” Stephie nodded and followed Josie with a last look at Cullen. When they were gone, Cassandra excused herself to go write to Leliana.

“Cullen are you alright?” I asked quietly. He nodded.

“She.. She was important to me. In the tower. I had an affection for her I wasn't allowed to have. When Duncan took her away, I never thought to see her again. Then she came back when we lost the tower, saved the First Enchanter and myself. I was deranged and accused her.. Her of being in league with Uldred. It's like she doesn't remember how awful I was.”

“Cullen, she seems fairly smart to me. Why would she blame you after what happened there?”

He just shook his head. “I don't know. I'm glad you were able to calm the night terrors, Shayde. She's definitely making me remember things.” He sighed, rubbed the back of his neck. He went and sat on the couch, put his head in his hands. I got up, and went to sit by him. Put my hand on his back and sighed.

“I think this is going to be good for you,” I said quietly. I could feel the emotions pouring off of him. “You should talk to her. Settle this.” He nodded.

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

“You're welcome. Now.. Can you help me? I have to take this blasted tunic off for a bit. It's killing me.” He laughed. Helped me stand, and as I released the wards, he helped me take it off.

“I will never marvel at how that thing works,” he said with no small but if wonder in his voice. I stood there in a short sleeved thin undershirt, my belly definitely prominent. The baby stretched again, glad to be free of the tunic. I grimaced and pressed a hand to my stomach. His eyes got huge.

“Cullen. Come here,” I told him. He slowly came closer, after dropping my tunic on the bed. I reached out for his hand and pressed it to my stomach. The babe pressed back. He grinned at me. “That's amazing!” he exclaimed. It was nice to share it with someone. That wonder I felt when she moved deep inside me. After a moment she calmed down and I let Cullen have his hand back.

I stood up and went into the closet to grab a different undershirt, while he waited on the couch. When I came back out he looked thoughtful. “Why do you think the Hero is really here?” he asked me. I grabbed the tunic off my bed and handed it to him. He helped me out it back on, and after I set the wards on it, I turned around and looked at him.

“I don't know. But I feel she's sincere and not here for some underhanded purpose. And she seemed genuinely glad to see you, Cullen. Let's give her some time and we'll see what she's about. Besides, it can't help having an extra powerful mage around. My magic.. It's not always stable. And who knows when Dorian will actually be back.”

_Whispers_

I cocked my head as I listened. Cullen watched me.

“The baby's magic, my own, plus the power of the Well and the anchor. It's all very.. Unconstrained at the moment. The voices say that the tunic helps, but it can only do so much. They.. They suggest I ask Morrigan for use of her mirror. Go to the cross roads every day. Give my body a chance to rest,” and I laughed bitterly. Rubbed a hand over my face. Rest? What was that? I was either being awoken by a baby part trying to escape through my skin, or in the fade with Solas. Cullen thought on that.

“I'll ask her,” he offered. I shook my head. She had come back only the week before, hadn't really said why. But she had brought the Eluvian and this was something for me to do. “I need to ask her. And probably show her why. She was not fond of.. Not fond of him. I think the secret will be safe.”

He nodded and offered an arm, and escorted me from my room back to the main hall. We had spend an enormous amount of time together since Dorian had left. It was enlightening. He had told me more about his journeys, the tower, Kirkwall. Cassandra recruiting him. How he had felt when he found out I was a mage and their only hope for survival. He had told me stories of the young mage Stephie who had caught his eye and heart all those years ago. It was all.. Fascinating. And fun. He had become as dear to me as Dorian. He was courageous and funny and had this subtle sarcasm, and he was so smart. If my heart wasn't already taken, it might have fallen for him easily.

When we got into the hall, Josephine and Stephie were just entering the room from the garden. Stephie was dressed in a pair of gray leather pants, a white button down shirt under a green jacket. Her hair was loose around her head and it was a glorious riot of red. She looked.. Peaceful. When she spotted us, her face lit up. She excused herself and came over to us.

“Cullen this castle is.. Amazing. Gorgeous. I've never been anywhere so grand! Even the high castle in Denerim is drab in comparison,” she exclaimed. Her eyes were bright and excited. Cullen coughed.

I took pity on him. “Stephie would you join me in the garden for the evening meal?” I asked her with a smile. She nodded immediately. “Cullen will join us of course,” I reassured her when she looked at him. He gave me this side glance that promised retribution. I just smiled innocently. I let go of his arm and made my way out to the garden after asking one do the serving girls to bring the food out there. As I walked through, I did my usual routine.. Touching flowers and plants and sending that subtle magic into them. The garden was green and lush, healthy and smiled like home.

When I got to the gazebo I turned and found Stephie staring at me. “You're really a mage?” she asked me quietly. I nodded. “And you just.. Just use magic arbitrarily? No.. Repercussions?”

“Ah. Well I didn't grow up in a circle like you did. And, as much as you, we had to do anything to survive. I never hid what I am. It's impossible, anyway, apparently. And now? Why hide it? I'm the.. Inquisitor. You're the Hero of Ferelden. Here, you are safe. One hundred percent.”

She thought on what I said. Then rushed forward and hugged me.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “It's been so long since I felt safe.”

I pulled away, not wanting her too close to the tunic for too long. Her magic was an unknown for the moment. But I smiled at her and motioned to the long chair at the table, while I took to my customary cushioned one. I sighed when I sat down. She looked at me and I just smiled.

Cullen sat next to her after trying to glare at me for sticking him there. I cocked an eyebrow and he had the grace to look mildly ashamed.

We sat there for a few hours, talking, laughing, telling stories and reminiscing. Cullen eventually relaxed and enjoyed himself. As the night fell I could feel myself tiring. I tried to excuse myself, but Stephie insisted on walking me to my room. Cullen looked mildly worried but I just bade him goodnight and let her accompany me.

Once up there she looked at me.

“Why do you wear a warded tunic?” she asked me quietly. I sighed. I knew she would figure it out. Her magic was strong. “I can't tell you that. Not yet. And if.. If you think you've figured it out, don't speak of it. Anywhere but in here. Please. I am asking woman.. To woman.” She gave me this pensive look.

“Alright. I won't press the matter. But please, if I can help in any way, I am more than willing. It's the least I can offer since you're letting me stay.”

I just nodded. “There are a lot of things happening, going on, that the majority of the castle’s inhabitants don't know. And I must keep it that way for now. And I'm probably going to take you up on your offer for help. But a heap of trouble could come with it. And I'm sorry for that.”

She just chuckled. “My life is nothing but a heap of trouble.” I chuckled too. Looked down at my left hand.

“Mine too,” I said with a smile. I wished her a good night and she finally left. I warded the doors, and secured the curtains. Feeling the room was secure I finally removed the tunic. Threw it at the couch and stood there scratching my stomach for a minute. Looking down, the subtle roundness was still a startling sight. I sat on the edge of the bed, removed my boots. Got up to undress, then climbed into the bed naked. I laid on my left side, a pillow under my stomach and leg. I stared at the curtain over the window, wishing I could see the sky. I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep with the sounds of the Well whispering to me.

 

_I sat in the garden, in Skyhold. I sat under the trees, lit by a blue moon. I heard him approaching, felt him sit behind me._

_“Why are we here tonight?” he asked me, grasping my hand in his. I curled my fingers against his, and sighed._

_“Because I missed you here. Have you noticed? I keep pulling you to me.”_

_He nodded, “I have. You're getting stronger. Much stronger than I anticipated. Do you feel alright?” he asked me. I chuckled._

_“I'm perfectly fine,” I answered._

_“Are you now?”_

_I looked at him. “Why?”_

_“You.. Feel different. Have for a while now. I can't quite place my finger on it.”_

_My heart started to race. “Maybe it's the anchor?” I said hopefully. I looked down at my lap. Tried to calm myself._

_“Vhenan, what aren't you telling me?” he asked softly._

_“Don't ask me, please?”_

_“I worry for you.”_

_“You worry for nothing. I'm fine,” I answered with a shake of my head, although the buzzing in my ear was making me feel like a liar. I pushed away, and moved to stand, dizziness swamping my mind. I swayed, as a sharp pain move through my head. Shook my head, tried to wake myself up._

_Fell to my knees as the pain sliced through my head. I groaned and tried to stand again. “Shayde!” Solas cried as he reached out to try and grab me. I slipped through his hands and…._

 

Woke up screaming in my bed. I clutched my head, and with half a thought, I gripped the sheet and managed to stand. I walked the few feet to the balcony, ripped open the curtain and sent a beacon of light from me to Cullen's bedroom window across the keep. Then I slid to the ground, tears streaming down my face. I rubbed a hand over my stomach and prayed to whatever gods there were… _Keep my baby safe.. I don't matter.. Save her.._

 

“Shayde!” Cullen yelled from the door. “You have to remove the wards!”

I raised my hand and tried. Failed and tried again. I could feel the magic unravel, as I slipped off the wall and laid on the floor. Suddenly he was there, scooping me off of the floor. I could barely keep my eyes open, the pain was radiating through my head like a heartbeat. Wave after wave.

“Shayde what's wrong?” Cullen whispered as he set me back on the bed. I managed to say, “Pain, something is wrong. I don't know..” before another wave of pain had me crying out. My hand started to glow and I could feel my magic churning inside me. The voices were painfully silent, and I was terrified.

“Get Fiona,” I whispered. His face turned white. “She's not here. She had to go to Val Royeaux for supplies. We thought we had weeks and you were fine..”

I motioned to the curtain and he rushed to close the one I had opened. “Get Stephie,” I said.

“But the.. Can we trust her?” he asked. I nodded.

“We have no choice. Please Cullen,” I asked, fingers clutching my head again. He ran from the room. I laid there, shaking and trying to figure out what was happening. I could feel magic swirling in the air around me. A few minutes later I heard Cullen and another pair of feet back on the stairs. He brought Stephie to the bed and the look of shock on her face might have made me laugh if I wasn't already crying.

“You're … you're carrying?” she asked. I nodded.

“No.. No one can know. Only a select few here do, and it is imperative that it stay that way. I need,” and I swallowed another groan, closing my eyes and breathing. “I need your help. I need you to get.. Get a magical read on my body. Be prepared.. I have undergone a lot of magical changes the last year and a half.” I gripped the sheet and sat up, motioned her close. She put her hands on either side of my head and closed her eyes. I could feel her magic mixing with mine in the room, swirls of a deep gold tangling with my ice blue. I tried to be still but the look on her face surprised me.

“Inquisitor.. Your.. There's too much magic. Your body can't take much more. It's damaging your brain. I think..  I think this is killing you,” she whispered. I sighed.

“Try and heal what you can,” I whispered back. She nodded and her magic flared again, and I could feel it .. Knitting the parts that were hurting back together.

“This is temporary. What else can we do?” she asked me. I sighed. Looked to Cullen. “Get Morrigan.” Stephie eyebrows shot up.

“Morrigan? The mage? With a son?” she asked me. I nodded warily.

“I know her! She.. She helped me with the Archdemon in Denerim.. During the blight.” I nodded again. Morrigan had told me as much.

“She has something I need to use. I fear it is the only solution now.”

Cullen left to go get her and I laid back on the bed trying to breathe. I asked Stephie to get me a shirt from the closet. She went and got me one, and I slipped it on over the sheet. It was a long tunic I had stolen from Solas before.. Well before. I sat and stared at the sleeve, trying not to cry. Before long Cullen came back with a very aggravated Morrigan. I looked up and when she saw me she stopped and stared.

“How?” she asked. I cocked an eyebrow. “How do you think?”

“How did you hide it?”

“A warded tunic. Dorian and Fiona spelled one. It's.. Complicated.”

Stephie spoke up then, “What? No hello?”

Morrigan looked shocked to see her there. Then they rushed to embrace each other. I had never.. Ever.. Seen Morrigan look at someone that way. Other than Kieran. She pulled away and wiped a tear from her face. “It's been too long,” she said quietly. Stephie nodded and sighed.

“Morrigan.. I'm sorry. But I have a massive favor to ask of you. The.. The babe has power. Between that, the anchor, the magic of the Well and my own.. My body is breaking down. The.. The voices say that your eluvian, that the cross roads could help.” I stopped to breathe.

“I would never ask. But.. Solas cannot know. Since we don't know why he left or what he's doing. And I can't do this on my own. And Dorian isn't here,” and damn I was crying again. I wiped at my face and continued, “Please. The Well knows the key to your mirror. If.. You would allow me the use of it. Until the.. Until this is over. I don't know what to offer in exchange.”

I sat there, in a shirt, pregnant and crying. Terror rolled through me and all I wanted was for Solas to hold me. Cullen came to the bed and sat by me, and I leaned on his shoulder.

“Is.. Is this yours, Cullen?” Stephie asked quietly. We looked at each other and laughed. “No. No this isn't,” he said. Morrigan snorted.

“Solas?” she asked. I nodded. She sighed. “I knew there was more to him than he let on.” I gave a short bitter laugh.   
I sighed, “Morrigan I need your help. _We_ need your help. Please.”

She nodded. “I will have some of the men bring it up here. I’m assuming those curtains are warded?” she asked. I nodded. Astute. She was always so astute.   
“Alright, give me a few minutes to get it done. Anyone in particular I shouldn’t ask for assistance?”

I thought on it. “Ardil. He is a new elf that joined recently.. Something felt off about him. I’m going to get dressed, it should be safe enough.” She nodded and with Cullen on her heels she left the room. I got up and slowly made my way to the closet and grabbed a pair of pants. Slipped them on and went to the couch to grab my warded tunic. Heedless of Stephie’s continued presence, I stripped off the shirt she had gotten me and put the tunic on. As I wove the wards, she watched fascinated. My stomach disappeared.   
“That’s amazing!” she exclaimed. I gave a small laugh. “Truly! I have never seen anything like that!”

“Well it’s not often that one must try and hide such a thing from someone with powerful magic of their own..”

She turned thoughtful. “You’re a mage, and after the conversation I heard tonight, you have 4 different magics at play here right?” I nodded. “What is the Well you spoke of?” she asked.   
“Back.. back before we beat Corypheus, we stopped his first officer from drinking from a magical well in the Temple of Mythal. The Well of Sorrows. Vir’Abelasan. An ancient repository of magical elven knowledge. Memories, history, magic, spells, herbal secrets none have known in hundreds of years. The collective will of Mythal’s past servants, scholars and mages alike.”   
Stephie mulled that over. “And this Well, their knowledge, told you of this mirror Morrigan has?” I squinted and shook my head.   
“I knew of the mirror, from our past dealings. Morrigan helped us when we fought Corypheus, and we had to use her eluvian several times.” I sat on the couch and sighed.

“It's been a very long year and a half, Stephie. I'm sorry I can't explain more yet.” She just nodded at me.

A moment later we heard Cullen directing the men carrying the mirror. Morrigan was huffing behind them trying to make sure they were careful. Once they placed the mirror next to the dresser, Cullen thanked them and dismissed them. After they had left, I asked Morrigan, “Can.. Can I access the fade from the cross roads?”

She seemed surprised. “It's easier to enter the fade from the cross roads. I can show you where I lived when I stayed in there. Shall we go now?”

I nodded and after a quick hug from Cullen and a wave to Stephie, I walked to the mirror, and with a wave of my hands, I activated it. Morrigan walked through first, and I followed.

 

Once there, I followed her again, to a small house set off away from the mirrored walkways. Inside was a simple bed, a table, fireplace and books. Books everywhere. “Stay here when you need to. I will.. I will leave the mirror in your care until after the babe comes. What else has the Well told you?”

I thought on that. “That she is going to be immensely powerful, can save Solas. That the anchor is.. Is going to kill me. And much more. They tell me of an eluvian in the care of an elf in Kirkwall who was trying to repair it. They can feel the connection to the mirror. We're not sure if it works.” Morrigan shrugged.

“Does Solas know?”

I shook my head. “No. Very few do in fact. We've gone to great lengths to ensure that. Can I ask you for one more favor?”

She nodded. “I.. I need to go back into the fade.. And tell Solas I'm alright. I.. I was with him when the pain started.”

She looked surprised. “You are him in the fade?”

I nodded reluctantly.

“Very well then. Lay down and do what you must. I'll wait here.”

I thanked her and laid on the bed. Closed my eyes and almost instantly..

 

_Stepped back into the fade. I was astonished at how.. Effortless it was. I was in the main hall of Skyhold and I could feel the frantic tug of Solas from my room. I walked up the stairs and found him sitting on my bed. When he saw, he rushed to me and crushed me in his arms._

_“What happened to you?! What is wrong? Tell me!”_

_I hugged him back, relishing the feel of him. “I'm fine. Too many magical changes is all. My body isn't handling it well.”_

_He looked down at me. “What other magical changes?” I just shook my head._

_“I came to find you, tell you I'm alright. But I can't stay. I will try and come back tomorrow.”_

_He grabbed my shoulders. “Why aren't you In Skyhold?” he asked me. Confirming my belief that he had spies in the castle._

_“I am though.”_

_“Why do you lie?”_

_I sighed. “I'm technically in Skyhold. You just can't find me. Everything is protected.”_

_“Against me?” his hands fell away from my shoulders._

_I nodded. “Solas.. You left with no warning. Things have been happening and I needed protection. I will be able to tell you everything soon enough. I'm sorry. I must go.” I pulled his face to mine and kissed him. He held me tight. “Please. Trust me,” I asked quietly. He nodded and kissed me again, then let me go. I turned and walked away…._

 

And woke up on the bed. Morrigan stared at me.

“You've gotten remarkably powerful, Inquisitor.”

I only nodded and yawned again. She got up and tossed me a blanket. “Sleep for now, and come back to Skyhold in the morning. You'll feel very much better by then. Goodnight,” she said before leaving. I sighed and laid back down, and seriously considered the sleep spell the voices had taught me. After a moment I cast it, and fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for taking time to read what drivel I manage to write! It's.. Humbling sometimes. Really. Please feel free to comment - I love feedback!  
> :D


	6. With All My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian finally returns home, much to Shayde's delight. Things begin to progress quickly from there.  
> We see more of the before..

**Shayde -**

 

It had been a week, going back and forth between the cross roads and Skyhold. Dorian would be home in a couple days, bringing Bull back. I could finally relax a little, though the presence of Stephie was definitely a game changer. I was definitely feeling the effects of sleeping at the crossroads, even if I was missing Solas more and more. So while my body felt better, my soul was aching. Need was a vicious companion. Today I was going to see if I could find him. In the fade. Because I needed to. Talk to him. Touch him.. Just be with him.

I sighed. I was sitting in the garden, under a blanket and out of that wretched tunic. The blanket was a good enough cover for the time being. The babe seemed happier when she wasn't being magically cloaked anyhow. I had just finished a meal with Stephie and Cullen. Who were busily renewing their friendship and awkwardly avoiding their very obvious attraction to each other. It was adorably entertaining. Leliana and Josie had bets about who would cave first, Cullen or Stephie.

I gathered my blanket around me and got to my feet. I had taken to walking around the castle barefoot. Less work. I silently made my back inside the main hall, and off to my room. I warded the door. The key to said ward now being in both Stephie and Morrigan's hands. I moved to close the curtains and dropped the blanket on the foot of my bed. I went to the closet to change, into a purple long nightgown. Tight around my chest and loose and flowy to the ground. I crawled onto to the bed and situated myself with the pillows. Laid back and closed my eyes. Took a deep breath…

 

_And stepped into the fade. I found myself in the rotunda, bottom floor. The desk was bare, as were the walls. The sconces were unlit, and the room was mostly dark. I went to the desk and ran my fingers along the top._

_“You came,” I heard from behind me. Solas stood in the doorway, his shoulder against the frame, hip cocked and arms crossed. He looked.. Tired. I walked over to him, just stopped in front of him and looked up. “I missed you,” I said quietly. He just shook his head and pulled me into his arms, crushing me against his chest. “What has happened?” he asked me._

_“I’m not entirely well. I'll be fine soon enough. Are you alright?”_

_He sighed. “Why do you tell me half truths?”_

_“You.. You don't get to ask me that. Do you tell me full truths, Vhenan? Do you whisper your reasons for leaving in my ears? No.. You don't. I can't explain everything yet. But I will.  Eventually.”_

_His hands gripped my arms, “I've worried for days! Thought you dead!” I pushed him away._

_“You don't get to demand anything from me, Solas! You chose this! This existence in dreams. You! Not me! But I come. Because you.. You are mine! Despite our best efforts here we are. Do you want me to leave?” I asked quietly. He shook his head and fell to his knees in front of me. His face pressed to my stomach._

_“I am.. Sorry vhenan. It's been a long few days. Forgive me.” He looked up at me. I slowly knelt, my face close to his. “Give me time. That's all I ask,” I whispered. He nodded._

_Before either of us could think, his hands were in my hair, bringing our faces together, his mouth on mine. I gripped his shirt, my mouth opening beneath his. His tongue swept inside, and I met it with mine, poured all that pent up need into the kiss. He pulled me against him, never breaking the kiss, and ran his hands down my back, gripping my butt. After a few minutes, he pulled back, and scooped me up in his arms._

_He stood and carried me to the desk, set me on the end. His hands pulled up the bottom of my nightgown, until my legs were bare. I spread them and he moved closer. I lifted his tunic over his head, dropped it on the desk behind me. My mouth moved to his chest, I left little kisses up his collar bone, up his neck, to his ear. I scraped my teeth along his earlobe and he shivered. His hands slid the straps of my gown down my shoulders. His fingers dragged the bodice of my nightgown down. He spread a hand on each of my breasts, sending goosebumps flying across my skin._

_“More beautiful every time I see you,” he said, his voice rough. His fingers toyed with my nipples, tugging and teasing them, making them hard against his hand. “I missed you,” he said with a smile, before leaning down and kissing me again, his hands moving down my sides, and around me to my butt. He slid me forward, just enough so my legs spread even wider._

_I gasped into his mouth as he moved a hand to between my legs, feather light touches meant to drive me mad. As I kissed him back, my hands slid down his stomach, to the waist of his pants, and after untying them I pushed them down his hips, freeing his cock. I felt him shudder as I wrapped a hand around him, so hot and hard. I stroked him once.. Twice. He trembled in my hand. I pulled my mouth away and watched his face as I stroked him again.. And again. His eyes close and he seemed to have trouble breathing. His hands stilled and his hips started thrusting against my hand. After a moment he shook his head and pulled my hand off of him._

_I gave a little pout but he just smirked at me. He took my hands and put them on the desk next to my legs. “Leave those there, vhenan,” he asked me softly. I just nodded. He kissed me gently, then his mouth moved to my ear.. Down my neck.. Down my chest.. Between my breasts. Pushing me back as his mouth touched me. He pressed my back onto the desk, and he pulled the nightgown the rest of the way off of me. After dropping it, he knelt between my legs, his face so very close to me. He kissed my left thigh, then my right, lifting each around his shoulders. Then he rubbed his finger against me, parting my lower lips._

_He ran his tongue up my slit, and I gasped when he flicked my clit. He sucked it into his mouth, rubbing it softly. I moaned, heat rushing through me. I gripped the edge of the desk, trying not to move. He slid a finger inside me, as his tongue lapped at my clit, weaving circles around and on it. A second finger joined the first, and he started thrusting them.. In .. and out.. And his tongue rubbing and sucking. Tension was building, my stomach clenching. I moaned again when he drove his tongue down, then back up, pulling my clit into his mouth again. He lapped at it, and flexed his fingers inside me.._ _  
_ _I moaned as I came, this hot rush of feeling, throbbing and clenching. My stomach tensing and heart racing. I laid there with my ears ringing, and felt his mouth and hand leave me. I looked down and he was standing up and moving to stand between my legs again. He gripped my hips and slowly eased his cock inside me. My eyes closed and I heaved a very happy sigh._

_Then he started to move. Slow long thrusts that left me nearly breathless. His hands held me still, while this look of blissful concentration adorned his face. Ah, that face. Chiseled jaw. Strong high cheek bones. His lips, lush and full. His eyes, deep and mysterious. I gasped when his hand moved to touch me, his fingers rubbing around my clit, as his hips continued their slow thrusts. He felt like hot silken steel inside me, deep and hard. My breath grew ragged as he dragged me further towards that inevitable peak. Delicious tension. Heat swimming through me. Need and want and love mingling in a steady wave of passion. He fed it, with his cock… each thrust pushing me further. His hand, rubbing tenderly but persistently._

_I started to writhe on the desk, so close, so far. He was shaking as hard as me, his arms trembling, his chest heaving. “Vhenan, please,” I begged. For release? Love? He could only nod, then he took his hand from my hip and held it out, I linked my fingers with his. He pulled me forward, up against his chest. I dragged his face to mine, my lips hot on his. His tongue swept into my mouth, as my hips moved with his. I broke the kiss and pressed my face against his neck. My body trembled, and my head fell back as I finally crested._

_My voice was rough as I cried out, my body clenching on him, dragging a rough groan from his throat. His hand pressed me close, as he ground his hips into me, driving himself ever deeper between my legs. He was throbbing and hot inside me, as he reached his own release. He trembled against me, his hand shaking as he held me close. We both tried to breathe, calm our racing hearts. I pressed my face to him, breathing in his scent. How I’d missed that. Especially at night._ _  
_ _He kissed my head, chuckled dryly. “This is something we will never do wrong. I missed you,” he said softly, his lips against my head. I sighed and wrapped my arms around him. “No more than I, you. I must go soon,” I said sadly. I could feel my magic wearing thin. I looked up at him, and he took my face in his hands. “I love you, vhenan. My heart. Always.” Then he kissed me, slow and sweet, his tongue tangling with mine, stealing my breath and a little more of my soul. When he pulled back, my mouth tried to follow his. He smiled at me. My hands came up to his wrists, and I closed my eyes before sighing._   
“I wish you would come home. It would make things.. So much easier.”

_He raised an eyebrow, “Easier? How so?”_

_And I just shook my head. Kissed his chin, and pushed him away reluctantly. I got off the desk, stretching. He watched me, his eyes on my face. I smiled at him. “Ar lath ma, vhenan,” I whispered, before turning and walking through the doorway naked…_

 

To wake up in my bed. I took a breath and laid there, felt the baby roll over in my stomach. I rubbed my hand around her, and it seemed to soothe her as usual. I got up and felt the bruises on my hip. My stomach flooded with heat. I sat back down and lowered my head. Took deep breaths. My heart refused to calm. Such need. I felt a tear fall down my face, and I hastily wiped it away. I got up, and squared my shoulders. I crossed my room and uncovered the mirror, and unlocked it the way Morrigan had taught me. I took a last longing look at the bed and stepped through it. Once in the house Morrigan was letting me use, I debated using the sleep spell again. I knew the pull of the abyss.. I would surely try to find him even though I had just left him. I shook my head, climbed into the bed and cast the spell.

  


**2 Days Later -**

 

I was sitting in the garden again, wearing the dreaded tunic, when a messenger came running out the door to the hall. “Inquisitor!” the young man yelled as he scrambled to stop before running over my table. I arched an eyebrow. He stumbled over an apology. “So, so sorry Inquisitor! But Mistress Josephine has sent me to fetch you. Master Pavus’ caravan has been spotted on the bridge.”

Before he had even finished speaking, I was out of my chair and running across the garden. I flew through the keep, bare feet barely making a sound on the stone floors. I ran out the big front doors of the hall and down the stairs. Then down the stairs into the courtyard, where Dorian and Bull were just pulling through the gates. Dorian barely managed to dismount from his horse before I slammed into him, gripping him like he was my last lifeline.

I was crying and he was comforting me and it was a giant mess. Suddenly we had giant arms wrapping around us. “Group hug!” Bull said with a growl. He crushed us for a minute before he started yelling for the stable boys to come rescue their horses, and he left us standing there, off to find a drink no doubt.   
Dorian pushed me away enough to look at me. “Did you do the stupid things, Shayde?” he asked me. I shook my head. “I did.. Get sick though. I have, well I have a lot to tell you. Come inside. I have someone for you to meet.” When we got into the hall, Stephie and Cullen were coming out of the rotunda. Cullen came over and shook hands with Dorian, “Welcome back! Much has happened since you left. This,” and he gestured to Stephie, “this is the .. Hero of Ferelden. Stephie Amell.”   
Dorian’s eyebrows shot up. “ _The_ Hero?” he asked. She nodded, smiling brightly. “It’s an honor to meet you Dorian. Shayde has told me so much about you!” He looked at me dubiously.   
“Well of course she has. Look at me, what stories wouldn’t be wonderful with me in them? None I tell you!”

She laughed, as he had intended. I just grinned, so happy he was home. Cullen coughed. “We should go upstairs to talk,” he said quietly, gesturing towards my door. I nodded, and led the way. Once in the room, Stephie warded the door while Cullen pulled the curtains closed. Dorian looked at the mirror and back at me. “What’s going on?” he asked, all humor gone. I sighed, before asking Stephie to help me with the tunic. His eyebrows raised again, at the implications of what I had asked. Once the tunic was off, I stood there in my loose sleeveless shirt and my pants, my belly high and round, not much bigger than when he had left. I stood there scratching it for a minute. “You might want to sit down,” I started. He sat on the corner of my bed and gave me the _look_ . The _stop prevaricating and get to it_ look.

“A few weeks ago I collapsed. I was lucky Morrigan and Stephie were here, honestly. There's too much power. Inside me. It's.. Overwhelming. Morrigan offered me her house in the crossroads to rest in. Said it helped while she was pregnant with Kieran. And it has helped!” Dorian sighed and shook his head. Ran a hand through his already tousled hair.

“Are you truly alright?” he asked me, the worry evident on his face. I nodded. “And now, Stephie and Morrigan both know?” I nodded again.

“What now?” he asked. I thought a moment.

“Do you.. Do you think you could stay with me sometimes? It’s lonely. And I'm afraid of going into labor alone. Even though there's time. Maybe.” Dorian took my hand, “Whatever you want. Bull might not like it much but we'll make it work somehow.” I leaned against his shoulder.

“Stephie is a mage. She has offered to stay and help when the time comes. Fiona should be back in a few days. And Morrigan is here still. Hopefully that can be enough.”

I had a feeling it wasn't.

“Did you tell him?” he asked me. I sighed.

“No. I've.. I've only seen him a few times in the last couple weeks.”

Cullen narrowed his eyes at me.. “You what?” I sighed.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because you worry enough and I never tell him anything. And because you're.. You know. Don't make me say it Cullen.” At least he had the grace to blush. So did Stephie. Dorian glared at him. “Were you too busy to stop her?! She needed..” but I stopped him.

“For one, I'm not a child. For two, I've been very careful.  And for three, stop acting like I'm unable to think. Hormones are awful but my head is still my head. Whispers and all.” I got up, started to pace.

“I've gone through more in the last 2 years than most people have in a lifetime, Dorian. And it's not over. Give me a little credit.”

He got up and stopped me. Pulled me into his arms. “I'm sorry. I worry for you. Constantly. Bull says it's ridiculous but I can't help it!” I pressed my face against his shoulder. “I love you too, Dorian,” I whispered.

 

A few hours later, after we had all eaten and talked about all that had happened here and in Tevinter, down in the great hall, Dorian went off to talk to Bull. I quietly made my way down to the library, unlocked the new ward there and made my way to the desk. A picture of a flower, long extinct. My fascinated face behind it, little sparks flying around. It was exquisite. I sighed. I pulled a new page from the desk, and wrote, “I love you forever, and more. You hold my heart. Ma Vhenan.”  

I took the drawing he had left for me, and swiftly left the room, locking the ward behind me. I made my way back to my room and grabbed some wax, then hung the picture with the rest. I rubbed a hand over my face. Went back and say on my bed. He had such a hold on me.

I finally heard Dorian, and apparently Bull coming up the stairs. Arguing. Sort of.

“I'm sleeping on your floor, Shayde,” Bull informed me when he came into the room. I just nodded. I had already closed the curtains. Dorian set the ward on the door. Bull gave Dorian.. A look.. Before settling himself on the rug in front of the fire.

“Goodnight Bull. I'm sorry..” I started to say.

“No. Don't be sorry. Be safe. Hence me. Here. Go to bed. I'll see you in the morning, Boss.” I just nodded. “Thank you, Bull.” He just grunted at me before laying down. I took Dorian by the hand and pulled him through the Mirror.

 

Once in the crossroads I led a very stupefied Dorian to the house. “This is .. Amazing, Shayde!” he said. Probably ten times. I just smiled and let him marvel. It was truly beautiful, a serene and haunting beauty. Once at the house, I fixed the bed which was more than big enough for both of us. “We'll have to share,” I said with a smirk. He heaved a sigh of mock disappointment. I climbed into the bed and he followed suit. We laid there staring at the ceiling.

“You have a very strange life, Shayde.”

I laughed softly. “Don't I though?”

And I drifted off to sleep.

  


Over the next 5 days we settled into a routine. Sleeping in the crossroads, Dorian taking off with Bull for a bit before we all ate together in the hall. We spent hours talking and laughing with Stephie and Morrigan. Fiona finally returned to the keep and with 4 mages on hand I felt a little better about my odds of coming out of the end of this pregnancy alive.

Then I wasn't so sure.

The 6th day after Dorian came home, I was in my room taking a bath. I had felt off all day. Couldn't quite place what was off though. After I had finished, and dried myself., I found myself looking at my body in the mirror. I glowed. My entire body, even through the towel I wore. It was subtle. But I was illuminated from the inside. The Voices were silent. The babe still. And my heart started to race. This ache settled in my back, right above my butt. Throbbing and low. I went to move to the closet when I heard a splash. Felt warm liquid on my legs and feet. I closed my eyes and ushered a silent plea to whatever gods might be listening. Looked down. And I knew when I saw the red tinted water on the floor.

She was coming.

Before I could move, pain tore through me, from my back around my stomach. Screaming through my head. I fell to the floor, a hand on my stomach and the other barely catching me. Light radiated around me, sickly green, white, purple. Magic pulsed in the air, gathering in a haze. I tried to get up, tried to crawl. But it was too much. I fell to my side, as the magic in the air built up and filled the room.

Maybe the wards were holding. Maybe I was deluding myself. I cried out as another wave of pain rushed through me.

Images flashed through my mind. Solas and his anger after the Well. The field of flowers. The first time I kissed him. The day he left.

I felt power bloom beneath me, bleeding into the floor. My hands tingled as the pain spread, and light filled the room. My ears were ringing and I could gel myself fading out of consciousness. As my mind finally fled the pain, I saw a blinding flash of light that shattered all the glass in the room.

 

Then

Blessed

Darkness

  
  


**Battlefield - Corypheus Defeated -**

 

Solas approached the shattered orb on the ground. He looked.. So sad. I wanted to go to him. Offer comfort? A hand to hold? But I stood there. Watched.

“Solas?” I said before I could stop myself. His shoulders seemed to slump a little more. “I’m so sorry. I know you wanted.. You wanted to save the orb. Is there.. Any way we can fix it?”

He just shook his head. “We both know that wouldn’t replace what was lost here.” His voice was low, defeated. He dropped the orb piece he was holding to the ground, and stood up. Turned to face me. My stomach clenched.

“You should know.. I will always respect you. And what we had.. It was very real.”

I nodded, and when I moved to speak, Cassandra yelled at me from inside the ruins, “Inquisitor!? Are you alive?!” I sighed, and with a last look at Solas, I turned to leave.   
Had I known that was the last time I would see his face outside of the fade, I might not have gone. I might have stayed, tried to reason with him. Begged him to stay. But I walked away. Found the rest of this new adopted family of mine at the bottom of the temple, covered in dust and all grinning from ear to ear. We had won the day. The year. Corypheus was well and truly dead. And the sky was whole again.

And.. I felt him leave.   
A part of me went with him, and as I turned to look, he vanished. I tried not to panic. I turned back to them all, and ordered them back to Skyhold. As we traveled, my thoughts were racing. Where could he have gone? Why.. why would he just leave? No word. No goodbye. My chest began to ache. Why was I overwhelmed with this.. Urge to cry? I was furious. And heartbroken all over again. We finally reached the castle, and entered to a large cheering crowd. Varric and Sera ate it up, Vivienne was her usual graceful self. Bull sauntered through like he owned the place and Dorian.. Well he didn’t know what to make of the fuss. Cole just watched everyone with wonder and Blackwall was his usual sombre self. Cassandra walked with me, smug in her own way. And my heart was back with Solas. I tried smiling to the cheering people, who were just glad it was finally over. As I walked up the stairs through the courtyard and up towards the keep, Cullen met me there with Josephine and Leliana. They all bowed to me, and I felt myself choking back tears. When I looked out over the crowd of people.. _My_ people, I felt this.. Awe run through me.

We were _alive_.

And that was reason enough to celebrate. Cullen and Josephine walked into the hall with Cassandra. Leliana took me aside. “We are not certain how Solas just vanished, Inquisitor. My scouts have looked everywhere we could for him, but he is just.. Gone. If he does not want to be found, it is unlikely we will find him.”

“I just don’t understand.. How could he just.. Go? With no goodbye. Nothing. This isn’t like him, no matter what happened between us.” My voice was barely steady. She nodded.   
“We can keep looking, if you wish.”   
I shook my head. “No. Let him go. If he wants to come back, he knows where I am.”

And with that we went into the great hall, amidst a roaring cheer. Everyone had something to say, congratulations to offers of help in the coming months. As I wandered the room, all the smells were making my head spin. Sera offered me a drink of something “positively guaranteed to make your butt pucker” … Whatever that meant. Though one whiff of it made my stomach flip. I excused myself and barely made it to the garderobe. I lost the entirety of the contents of my stomach. And then some. I went back to the party, and told Dorian I needed to rest and retired to my room. Where once I had stripped and sat on the bed, I let the enormity of what had happened hit me. Corypheus, Corypheus is dead. Gone. And Solas..

Creators.

Solas was _gone._ I couldn't feel him. Even though he had ended our “relationship”, whatever bond was there, still allowed me to feel him wherever I happened to be. Whether in the deep roads, when I had left him topside. I could still feel him. His mourning. His love for me. His determination. Frustration. Until tonight, I had caught him just watching me countless times. And his.. Need would swallow me.

And now? Nothing. Not a trickle of emotion that wasn't my own. My heart was starting to race as I tried to tamp down the panic. My stomach clenched and I raced to the garderobe again. Dry heaved, for what felt like an hour.

Weak and exhausted, I finally crawled back to my bed. Crawled into it, and pulled _his_ pillow close, inhaling the scent of him. Then I fell into a deep sleep.

 

For one day. Then another. And another. One hour blended into the next as I laid there, unable to move, care. I couldn't tell you how much I cried. Dorian came and laid with me, letting me mourn. Letting me talk. Letting me cry. He held me while I was sick. And as the days passed we both silently wished for our growing suspicion about my being _sick_ to be wrong. Until on the 5th day, when I woke up and knew. Because as I had dreamed, the Well.. The Voices had confirmed it.

I was pregnant.

And alone.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling. A hand on my still flat stomach.

What purpose could this serve? Beyond forever tying me to someone who.. Broke my soul and left. I felt the tears start to fall again. My chest ached. Would this ever ever end? This need? It wasn't even just physical. But he had touched my heart in a way no one else had. I forced myself to climb out of the bed. Go into the closet and grab a tunic, some loose pants. Sandals. A sweater. And after slowly getting dressed, I made my way to the hall. A hush fell over the room, and one by one they all stood. Varric and Dorian walked over to me. And someone started clapping. Not a mocking clap. A slow clap. Then “thank you” and “you saved us” started being tossed about.

I put my hand to my mouth. Dorian pulled me into a hug, while Varric explained that people had worried but were all pulling for me. I sighed. “I need to talk to the advisors.. Cass, you and Bull,” I said to Varric. He raised his eyebrows. Then went off to fetch everyone. I went to a table and grabbed a biscuit and a glass of tea. Then motioned for Dorian to follow me, and I went to the war room.  

The table was still as we had left it, with one new addition. A token, in the shape of a mage staff, near Skyhold, with the name _Solas_ etched into it. “Dorian, we need to ward the room. Sight and sound shields.” He nodded and helped me ward the room, all except the door. I climbed up on the front edge of the table. Folded my legs under me. And managed to eat the biscuit, and drink most of the tea before the door opened, and Varric ushered everyone inside.

“What is this about, Inquisitor?” Cassandra spoke first. She sounded irritated. I would probably be too if I had been ignored for 5 days. I sighed.

“Dorian, could you ward the door?”

He nodded and did so. When he finished, he moved to stand next to me. Show of solidarity.

“Well, you all know of my relationship with Solas.” They all nodded. Cullen shifted his feet, leaned against the wall. Josie had her usual paper and quill, but she lowered them. Leliana just stood there with her arms crossed. Cass was glowering at me from the door and Bull, glorious man, was sitting on the floor looking bored. Varric stood near Bull. I swallowed and Dorian pat my knee. Took my hand. I shook my head.

“It seems, it seems I'm pregnant,” I mumbled. Cass yelled, “You're WHAT?!” I flinched. “It's not like I said ‘give me the traitors baby’ and *poof* it happened! I was taking precautions! This shouldn't BE A THING!” I yelled back. I could feel my cheeks flushing.

I climbed off the table and began to pace. “I'm not stupid. Or naive. I'm the First to a powerful Keeper, and it was my responsibility to help the clanswomen avoid pregnancy when necessary. I was being safe! And the Creators are laughing at my attempt, apparently.” I threw up my arms. “Not only am I alone in this, but this.. This child is important. I'm not sure how yet. But it… It is. And I need help.” I stopped and looked at them all. Varric's mouth hung open, Cass was just.. Glaring. Cullen had pushed away from the wall.

“Solas cannot know,” I whispered. And it hurt to say. “We don't know why he left, or where he is. But he can't know. Not yet. If ever. We need more information.” Leliana nodded.

“Do any of you have anything to say?” I asked.

Bull spoke up from the floor, “Can I punch him, Boss?”

I snorted. “Not before I do.” Though we all know the likelihood of that was low.

“What do we need to do, Shayde?” Cassandra asked me quietly. I smiled at her.

“For now nothing. I think it happened just before I drank from the Well, so I have some time. We need to research. How to hide it, something.” Dorian spoke up then, “Fiona. She had a child. I heard her talking about it. And as she was a grand Enchanter, she has far more working knowledge of such things than I would.” I thought a moment. “Alright, broach the subject in theory first. See what she says.” He nodded.

Cullen spoke up, “Since no one else has asked, are you alright?”

I smiled. “I'm tired. I'll be fine. Eventually. For now I'm more determined than anything.” He gave a curt nod and stepped back again.

“We do not talk specifically about it. Euphemisms are our new friends. I..” and so swallowed, “I love you all. I know it's silly but I need to say it. I will probably be leaning on you all more and more as this progresses. And it means the world to me you're all here.” I swiped at my face. Dorian squeeze my other hand. “I need to go eat while I can. Thank you… Thank you all.” Leliana came over to me and hugged me. Cass surprised me with one too. Bull got up and just gave me a curt head nod. When they had all left, Dorian followed me down to the kitchen. The cook gladly gave me as much food as I could eat. And sent me on my way with a big mug of tea. Dorian and I went out to the garden, and I curled up in the fluffy chair under the gazebo.

“You know, this is all rather odd?” Dorian mused out loud. I snorted.

“How do you think I feel about it? I was taking precautions. And the universe decided to do what it wanted anyways.”

He nodded. Erected a small barrier around us. “Sound shield. Now we can talk. We have a lot of plans to make, and you have some explaining to do.”

I laughed softly. “What is there to explain? It happened the normal way. Or in the fade. I love him, Dorian. Even now, after he's gone and left. He's.. He's a part of me. And I don't even know if I can change that. And I'll find him. Even if it takes me years. I will. Whether here or in the fade. I'll find him.”

Dorian sighed dramatically. “Of course you will. If you're not the most determined person I know, I don't know what you are.” I reached out and he took my hand.

“If I find him, especially in the fade, you cannot tell anyone but Bull. I have a feeling that it's going to be difficult enough trying to convince him to come back with out the entire keep clamoring on about him.”

He nodded. “You're lucky I love you, you silly woman.”

I laughed again.

“I love you too, Dorian.”

 

**Later That Night -**

 

I stood in front of the mirror, clad in only a black nightgown. I was attempting to braid my hair when I saw it. A chunk of hair, beneath my left ear. Near my scalp it was turning black. I ran my fingers through it, and the texture remained the same. But.. The hair was no longer white. The top of it was black. I sighed. I finished braiding it and after another quick look I went to the bed. I was determined. Sad and determined.

I laid down, on his pillow. Closed my eyes..

 

_And stepped into the fade. I was standing in the clearing. The copse of trees, dark and shaded. And there in the center, knelt Solas. I felt my breath catch._

_“Solas,” I said softly. His head whipped around. “Are you real?” he asked wildly. I nodded and took a step forward. He held out his hand._

_“How.. How are you here?”_

_He felt.. Relieved. And happy to see me. And sad. Sad he had to leave. I tilted my head. “I don't know. Maybe you drew me here. Maybe we are far more linked than you thought.” He narrowed his eyes._

_“You shouldn't be here,” he said, his voice harsh. I laughed._

_“There are a lot of things that shouldn't be. Like snowstorms caused by heart break. Or orbs that cause magical marks on hands and tear the fade at will. Or,” and I paused. What to say? “Or an Elven goddess who was murdered and managed to live another thousand years.” I shrugged and stepped towards him again. He looked down at his hands in his lap. I knelt next to him and put my hand over his._

_“Come home,” I whispered. I felt a drop hit my hand. My stomach tensed. “Vhenan, please?”_

_He shook his head, “I cannot. Not yet. There is much to do, and I must, I must do it.” His voice was low and rough. I brought my other hand to his face, lifting it. He pressed his cheek to my palm, and I drew closer. Then his hands were in my hair, his mouth on mine. My mouth opened beneath his, beckoning his tongue, and he pulled me against his chest. I gripped his shirt as his mouth ravaged mine. This kiss reeked of the passion, and need, and love we always shared. It was radiant, and melancholy, and ensnaring. My soul knew.. Without a doubt, that he loved me still. No matter his actions. Or words._

_After a few moments, I pulled away enough to look at him. “Can you say you do not love me?” I asked. He shook his head. “You know I cannot.” I kissed him again, gently._

_“Then love me now. Come what may.”_

_He nodded, his mouth claiming mine again. His hands ran down my back, pulling me ever closer. I pulled away again, to untie his tunic, and his hands pushed the straps of my gown down my shoulders. He moved to take off his shirt, and then his hands moved to me and pulled my down the rest of the way down. It fluttered to pool around my knees in the grass. My hands went to his pants, frantically undying them, opening them and freeing his cock. Me moaned as my hand wrapped around him, hot in my palm.  I stroked him once.. Twice, then he shook his head, and with his mouth on mine again, he pushed me back onto the grass, and his hand pulled my nightgown from my body. He settled on top of me, and my hands held his face to mine. He pushed a knee between my legs, opening them for His hand to find me. Wet. Aching for him as always. He slid a finger through my lower lips, gathering moisture, then brought it up to my clit.. Rubbing it gently, drawing a gasp from me._

_I pulled my mouth from his, “Vhenan please,” I begged. And he knew what I asked for. He moved his hips, rocking them, then slid his cock against me. I moaned. He smiled, then when he finally pushed inside me, my legs wrapped around him and he felt like home. Hot and hard, he filled me so well. He pressed his forehead against mine as he started to move, slowly, achingly slowly. Slow and steady, stoking that need deep inside me. Then his hand found me, stroking me, kneading me, circles around my already over-aroused clit. I moaned again and he shuddered on top of me. His eyes opened. Looked down into mine._

_And it's like.. Someone lit a fire. His movements quickened, as did my heart. Ferocity underlined every touch, every stroke. He thrust and thrust, and his hand made me dizzy with need. I was moaning, and his voice a husky growl, when he put his lips to my ear._

_“At lath ma, vhenan,” he whispered. His voice in my ear sent me over. Plunging into bliss, my back bowed as stars danced behind my eyes. My ears rang and my muscles clutched at him. He grunted his own release as mine sent him over. He ground himself into me, throbbing and pulsing inside me. I was gasping beneath him, and his breath was hot against my neck. My heart slammed around inside my chest._

_I pressed a kiss to his jaw. “After that,” I whispered, “you will never convince me you wanted to leave.” He pressed his face further against my neck. I sighed and rubbed my hand up his arm. After a few minutes, he rolled off of me.  He laid there, his face white in the dark._

_He looked at me, “You shouldn't come back. I'll only hurt you in the long run.” I turned onto my side, facing him._

_“I don't even know if I can stop myself. We seem drawn to each other. Connected. And I don't know if I want to stop.”_

_He sighed at me. I shrugged. Leaned forward and brushed my lips against his. “There's so much I want to tell you. But I can't.”_

_He raised an eyebrow. And I just shook my head_

_“Come home?” I asked, knowing his answer before I spoke._

_“I cannot..” he whispered. I nodded. Then I got up, legs shaking still. And told him, “Ar lath ma, vhenan,” before turning and walking away. I could hear him punching the ground behind me. And I broke a little inside, knowing he hurt as much as I did._

 

When I awoke, it was morning. I laid there gathering my thoughts. And knew, without a doubt, he was _mine._


	7. Die Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things heat up, baby is had. Progress is made.. Time passes. Stuff happens.  
> Remember this is all pre-Trespasser/Post Corypheus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should be the second to last chapter. If the last one turns out too long I might make it a 2 part, but likely not.  
> Enjoy!

**Shayde - Present - In Labor**

 

_I awoke in the Fade. I was still in the tower, but it was scorched and smoking. Pain still radiated through me, and after a frantic look down, I saw my belly. I closed my eyes and tried to summon my magic to hide it._

_Nothing._

_I tried to stand, but my legs wouldn't hold me. I scooted across the floor to the bed, and though it was smoking and scorched, I felt nothing when I touched it. I pulled myself onto the bed, and swallowed a cry when a fresh wave of pain shot through me. I sat there, trying to gather my strength, cradling my stomach through wave after wave of pain._

_“Shayde?” I heard. I couldn't even raise my head. I felt the tears pouring down my face. He would know._

_“What is this?” he asked quietly as he approached the bed. My back was still to him. My hair hung in front of my face and I swallowed another cry as another pain gripped me. I held up my hand, summoned fire._

_“Come no closer,” I whispered. The fire flickered and almost died. I tried to strengthen it but I was too weak. I dropped my hand and sighed through the tears. “Please?” I begged. I could feel him weighing my request. Another pain swam through me, and I couldn't catch the cry that escaped me. He edged closer to the bed._

_“What is happening vhenan?!” he asked frantically. I gave a bitter laugh._

_“Don't your spies know?” I asked with a failed attempt at a sneer._

_“No. They couldn't get past the wards without suspicion. You know that.” I nodded. Held out my hand. He gripped it and I used him for leverage to stand. When I turned to face him his face conveyed the shock, then dismay I knew it would. I stood there, my hand on my stomach, trembling and scared._

_“H..how? When?!” he asked, as he fell to his knees._

_“Before the Well. Just before we think.” My voice was quiet. Almost serene, given the fear coursing through me._

_My hair hung in this white and black curly cloud, almost to my waist. My skin pale, my eyes bright._

_“I didn't realize until after you had left. And no one could find you. And I was scared and alone. And then you showed up in the Fade. And wouldn't tell me anything. And how could I tell you when you had lied to me..? Left so easily? I.. “ My voice broke as another pain gripped me. I sagged to the floor, and he rushed to my side. “You needn't have been alone,” he said quietly. I laughed bitterly. “I am forever alone, Solas.”_

_He looked sad. Until I screamed, gripping my head._

_“What is happening?! This isn't normal labor!”_

_I managed to gasp out, “Magic. Too much. The Well. My own. The anchor. The babe. She.. She has magic. Too much for my body. Too many changes too close together. I’m,” and I laughed bitterly again, swallowing a sob as I fell into his arms, “I’m dying.” I said it. Out loud. Finality. Another pain shook me. “I can’t do this here,” I whispered. I could see the indecision fly across his face._ _  
_ _“Even now, you hesitate,” I said quietly, feeling another part of me die. He shook his head. “I cannot reach you where I am,” he said. I smiled then. “I can.. I can pull you through.”_ _  
_ _“How?”_ _  
_ _“The Well. The Mark.” I swallowed. “My connection to the Fade.” He looked at me dubiously. “Do you trust me?” I asked him. Reminiscent of that day so long ago. When I took his hand and followed him into this madness called love. He nodded. No hesitation._   
I closed my eyes, and summoned all the strength I could, siphoning some off of him as well. And…

 

I gasped and woke up on the floor, as Solas shimmered into view next to me. Dorian was kneeling on my other side and fell backwards against the bed as Solas appeared. “How? What..?” he stammered, but before he could finish, Solas scooped me off the floor and with a few terse words, asked Dorian to fix the bed. The bed was smoking, as it had been in the Fade. He waved a hand over the bed and whatever it was stopped and the bed looked new. Solas set me down on it as another pain came, and I gripped his arm, trying not to pass out.  
“Go get whoever you have prepared for this, as much magic as you can. We can’t dispell the magic, it could harm them both.” Dorian, still in shock, just nodded and ran from the room. Soon after, Cullen came running up the stairs with Stephie. He had his sword in hand, and just looked at me.   
“He obviously knows. It’s too late.”   
Cullen just nodded and set the sword behind the couch. Stephie ran to the bed, put her hand on my forehead. “You are on fire,” she whispered to me. I nodded. “The magic, it’s too much.” She nodded. I could feel her siphon some off, absorbing it. Her eyes and hands glowed, as she pulled some of what was gathering around me away. Cullen stood at the end of the bed, his hands fisted. “What I wouldn’t give to be a Templar.. To help you again,” he said, his voice strained. Stephie looked at him, startled. “Not a Templar?” she asked. He shook his head, but I answered first.   
“He doesn’t take lyrium. It’s been almost 2 years. The powers a Templar is granted from the lyrium, they are gone.”   
Stephie just looked at him. “We can talk about this later,” he said quietly, just before another wave of pain crashed through me. I groaned, feeling intense pressure around my stomach. My mark glowed brightly, and the Voices were clamoring for attention. Solas sat behind me, holding me through the pain. He looked.. Terrified.   
Dorian came rushing back up the stairs, with Morrigan and Fiona, their arms full of the supplies they had been stocking up on. Blankets, a bowl with clean water, cloths, potions and more. Dorian set about putting cloths on the bed, while Morrigan quietly prepared magical things on my desk. Fiona busied herself by cleaning what the explosion of power had wrought, making the room safe. I gripped Solas, his hand entwined in mine. I felt so weak, and only getting weaker.   
Another pain. Stronger, longer, radiating all up my body. My ears were ringing and my hands dug into Solas. “Vhenan, I’m so sorry,” he whispered brokenly in my ear. When the pain subsided, I raised my hand to his face.   
“Ar.. Lath.. Ma.. Vhenan,” I whispered back. He pressed a kiss to my hand. “If I had known,” he started to say, I just shook my head. Dorian snorted. I couldn’t even summon a glare.   
“Tis done. You are here,” I said. I sighed, and tensed as another wave of pain came, bringing an unbearable pressure with it. I tried to speak, and all I could mutter was, “She comes.”

Morrigan moved to help me shift on the bed, Stephie on one side, Dorian on the other. Solas held me as they moved me. Morrigan checked me, and declared I was right, the babe indeed was coming. “I can see her head, Shayde. With the next pain, you must push. Bear down with all your might. Stephie, Dorian, hold her legs. She is already weak, she needs your strength. Solas. I bear no love for you, and if you fail her now I will kill you myself. Feed her your magic. Just enough to get her through. Hold her together. Fiona and I will heal her as this progresses. And hopefully between the 5 of us, we can keep them both alive.” I felt Solas nod behind me, and Cullen paced by the fire.  
“I’ve never felt more useless,” Cullen muttered. I smiled at him, wearily but a smile. “Just your presence is enough, Cullen. Please,” I whispered. He nodded and squared his shoulders. Morrigan asked him for a cold cloth, and he went to get it, her and I sharing a knowing glance. He needed to be useful. It was his way.

I gasped as another pain started, and Morrigan ordered me to push. And so I did. Again.. And again. For what felt like hours. We fell into a sort of rhythm. My body seemed to weaken more and more, as the magic warred inside me. I worried for the babe. And through it all, every one of them worked together. Seamlessly.  
“You’re so close, Shayde. She is almost here,” Morrigan said, wiping her brow. Cullen handed her another cloth and she mopped the sweat from her face and neck. I sighed and pulled Solas close. “You cannot leave her the way you left me. If I don’t,” and I swallowed tears, “if I don’t make it you cannot leave her. She deserves better than that. So do you.” A tear slid from under his closed eye. “Vhenan, please,” he whispered. I shook my head. “I’m so weak, Solas. So broken.” And I was. I could feel the parts of me barely holding together. And my heart hurt. I closed my eyes and felt myself slipping. “Shayde!” Solas shook me, his voice frantic. I smiled, my eyes still closed.   
“I love you, forever, Solas.”   
“You will NOT leave me this way, Shayde! Get back here and fight! For her! For..” his voice broke, “For me. I beg you, don’t go.” And his grief, it swamped me. Poured into me, with his power. As he fed it to me to bring me back. I opened my eyes and gasped. He kissed my head. “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” he begged me, almost too softly to hear. I nodded. Another pain came, and Morrigan talked me through, as I pushed, and a scream tore out of me when felt a.. Ripple of power. A shift inside me. And then she slid out. Morrigan gasped, and when I looked, my baby.. She glowed. Then she gasped for air, and the tiniest cry escaped her. I started to cry with her, and as my vision began to dim, I reached up and ran my finger down Solas’ face. Then I was gone.

 

_I drifted. No pain._

_No fear._ _  
_ _No heart ache._

 _No need._ _  
_ _No sorrow._

 _Nothing._ _  
_ _  
_ _I felt light, like.. Like I was nothing. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to._ _  
_   
I could feel their wills, pulling at me. Morrigan, frantic. Dorian, desperate. Stephie, steady and strong. Even Cullen, the remnants of the Lyrium in him feeding me his fear. And Solas. Lovely, dear Solas. So bright, and brilliant. His love was.. A beacon. So strong and true. Their collective pull, drew me further and further. Back…

 

With a gasp, I woke up. Solas was crying, clinging to me. Dorian wiped at his face, and Stephie pressed a hand to her mouth. Cullen stood by the fire, facing away from us but I could feel his relief. And Morrigan, carefully holding a writhing clean baby, tiny, so tiny, waving her little fists in the air. Fine white hair covered her pale head. I closed my eyes and rested my head against Solas. “Look what I did,” I whispered. He could only nod. His hand trembled as he brushed a strand of hair from my face. “I’m so sorry,” he said quietly. I couldn’t even summon the energy to be angry any more.   
“Are you going to leave?” I asked him with a whisper. My heart almost stopped at the thought.   
“I don’t know. This.. this changes everything. For now, I am here. Please,” and his voice broke, “please give me time.”

I could only nod. Morrigan spoke up, “Time to hold your daughter, Shayde. After all the work you went through to bring her here, tis fitting.” And she brought me the tiny bundle in her arms. When she placed the babe in my arms, I was flooded with more emotion that I ever thought possible. My love for Solas was awe-inspiring. This maternal love? A far scarier being. I pulled the front of the blanket down, just enough to get a look at her precious face. Tiny, pink, resting comfortably now. Her hair was white, shiny and fine. She weighed next to nothing, and was far smaller than I thought she would be. I could feel tears start to run down my face again. Cullen moved to sit at my feet, a look of stupefied wonder on his face.   
“I’ve never seen a baby that small,” he said quietly. I leaned forward so he could get a better look. “She has your hair,” he said in awe. I smiled. Didn’t have the heart to tell any of them her hair would change eventually, become like ravens feathers, black as could be. There was time enough for that later. Morrigan stood next to the bed, Stephie and Dorian still next to me, Cullen at my feet. Solas was still behind me, and Fiona was standing behind Cullen. I smiled at them all.   
“I would love for you all to meet Ashyn. She may be small, but she is mighty.” I swallowed. Fiona started ushering the men out of the room, save for Solas. Stephie promised to return in a few hours, add some healing to what Morrigan and Fiona were already doing. Fiona helped Morrigan make the bed comfortable, with the aid of Solas picking me and the babe up for them to fix it. I was so enamored of her.

Ashyn.

I barely paid attention to the rest of them, and barely noticed when Solas placed me back on the bed. Morrigan and Fiona joined each other in healing more of the damage done to my body by the magic. When they finished, Fiona left with promises to bring me something to eat in the morning. Morrigan was alone with Solas and I.   
“Would.. Would you like help feeding her, Shayde?” Morrigan offered. My eyes grew wide. I nodded. Solas sat with me on the bed, his feet crossed under his legs, and his hand on my back. He kissed my head and moved away, while Morrigan showed me how to go about it. When the babe was suckling correctly, Morrigan went about showing me the supplies for her. When she finally left, with a look of warning at Solas, I was finally alone with him and the babe. I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I didn’t know what to say.

Because.. He was _here_.

“Solas, come here please?” I asked, gently. Ash finished eating, falling asleep as it were. As Solas sat in front of me on the bed, I laid her down next to me on the blanket, her little face scrunching up before settling again.

“What's going to happen?” I asked quietly. I stared down at my hands in my lap. I felt fear creeping through me. Clawing at my heart. And I was so tired still.

Solas reached out, put is hand over mine. “For the foreseeable future, I'm here. I have things I was doing, important things. But they'll wait. For however long it takes.”   
I nodded.

“Then you’ll go? Just.. Leave again?”

He shook his head. “I wouldn’t do that. Not again. I.. don’t think I could.” His voice was quiet. But firm. I looked up, fairly sure that hope practically shined out of me.   
“I don’t think I could survive it if you left again,” I whispered.   
“You, Shayde Lavellan, are the single strongest person I know. I am not talking about your powers. You. Your soul. Your heart. You have been through so much. And you came out on the other side of it all, a shining beacon of goodness. You humble me. Your love humbles me.” I felt a tear fall. He reached out, and swiped it away with his thumb.   
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. I took a breath. And we met halfway, a kiss. Poignant. Sweet. Full of need, and love, and passion and all the hurt we had felt. I pulled away, pressed my forehead to his. “I need you to promise.. If you go, you will not abandon your daughter. She.. she is so much more than we know.”

“I promise not to abandon either of you,” he started to say before I covered his lips with my hand. “You and I know that’s a promise you may very well break. Promise for her. That is all I ask.”

“I promise,” his eyes bored into mine, such assurance. I nodded. Took another breath and felt the weakness slide through me. His brow furrowed. “You need to rest. Lay down, I will watch over you both.” I nodded. I didn’t have it in me to protest at this point. He stood and moved a few pillows behind me, helped me to lay down. I faced the babe, put my hand on her chest, feeling her tiny heart racing away. He laid on the other side of her, his hand gently on mine.

“Ar lath ma, Vhenan,” he whispered.   
“I love you, too, Solas. More than you’ll ever know,” I whispered back, already feeling myself fading into sleep. I felt his hand on my head, heard a whisper, and bliss overtook me.

 

Over the course of the rest of the night, every time I woke, to feed Ashyn, or because my body was still very much feeling the after effects of a long hard labor, every time I woke, he was there. Holding Ashyn, or rubbing a hand over my hair, watchful and waiting. At one point, I woke to find him asleep on the couch, Ashyn asleep on his chest. My heart caught in my chest and I honestly fell in love with him all over again. His hand was on her back, holding her to him, and his other behind his head. I stared at them. Trying my hardest to memorize this moment.

Solas had come home.

 

**6 Months Later -**

 

I laid on the grass, on a blanket. Ash laid next to me, on her stomach on the blanket, the sun sprinkling across her chubby features. We were in the copse, the one where Solas and I had made love countless times in the Fade. Solas sat, with my head on his lap. He looked.. Happy. But I had noticed over the last few days, a weariness stealing over him when he thought I wasn’t looking. He wasn’t sleeping well. And I didn’t have a ready answer.   
“Vhenan,” I said. He looked down at me, smiling.   
“Yes, love?”

“What’s wrong?” I asked quietly.   
“Ah. Well, you see much don’t you?” he teased, trying to change the subject. I just raised my eyebrow, and reached out to caress his face. He closed his eyes, sighed.   
“I feel the weight of things. The work I was doing. I,” he sighed, “I feel very torn.”   
Ashyn made a gurgling sound from the blanket, her eyes on us, her hair a riot of white curls. She smiled up at him, her face bright and lovely. He held out his hand, and a swirl of lights appeared above her. She giggled and rolled over onto her back, as they danced around her hands. Her sky blue eyes wide and happy.

“Do you need to go?” I asked, closing my eyes. I didn't want to see the truth in his face, even if he told me what I needed to hear.

“Vhenan,” he said quietly. I shook my head. His hand came to rest on my cheek. “I will not go. Not yet. And even if I do, I will not stay away. I cannot, not now. Here.. Here lies my heart. In you. And her.” He pointed at Ash, and she giggled in delight at the swirling lights.

I sighed. I waved my own hand and added little purple flowers to the air, much to the amusement of the baby. “You must tell me when you go, love. I deserve that much. No disappearing into the night.”

He nodded. “I promise. Now. I think it is noon meal time. And a nap for that one,” he said, grinning at her. She grinned back, gummy and bubbly. He reached for her and she happily settled in his arms, her hand gripping his wolf jaw necklace. I sat up, looking at him holding his daughter. My heart felt near to bursting, and I swallowed my fear. He stood up and held out a hand to me. I grasped it and he helped me to my feet.

He pulled me into his free arm, and kissed me gently, much to the delight of Ash, who placed her hand on our faces, babbling away. He smiled against my lips. “We will continue this later,” he promised quietly, that ever present heat lingering in his eyes. I nodded and we used the traveling spell to get home.

We ate a leisurely lunch with Varric and Dorian, while Bull was off with Cassandra and Blackwall. Dorian kept creating shadow creatures on the wall for Ash to giggle at, and Varric kept trying to sneak her nibbles of bread. Everyone had grown to love her. They all vied for her very meager attention, even Bull and Sera. And she blessed them all with her little smile, her endless laughter and never ending supply of love. And drool. So much drool.

Fiona showed up just as we were finishing, offering to lay Ashyn down for her nap. Ash yawned and didn't put up even a token protest. I gave her to Fiona and we sat and enjoyed a quiet conversation with the men. Then I yawned too, and went to excuse myself, but Solas followed suit. We went up to our room, and passed Fiona as she left the tower. She gave us a knowing smile, and shushed us. When we got into the bedroom, Solas closed the curtains at the windows.

I went to the closet we had converted into a small sleeping room for Ash. She laid there, deep asleep already. I marveled still. Even through the sleepless nights, and crying fits every baby is prone to, I still found myself beyond thrilled she was mine. I felt Solas come up behind me, and he wrapped his arms around my stomach.

“It's still a miraculous thing, is it not?” he asked me, his mouth next to my ear. I nodded.

He kissed my neck. “Are you truly that tired?” he asked me, his breath hot on my neck. I shook my head, already feeling the effects of his hands on my stomach. He smiled, and turned me on his arms. I leaned up and kissed him, lips hot and fierce. He crushed me against his chest. I gripped his shirt, my mouth ravaging his. He gripped my butt and lifted me from the floor, carrying me to the bed. He laid me down, and settled himself between my legs. I smiled up at him as I untied his shirt, then dragged it off over his head.

He pressed soft kisses along my jaw, as his hands unlaced the front of my dress. He sat up when he finished, pulling me up with him. He slid the dress off my shoulders, and I pulled my arms free. I laid back down, and he pulled the rest of the dress down my legs. Naked, I knelt and untied his pants, hooking my fingers in the waist, drawing them down his hips. I murmured appreciative words when his cock was freed from their confines. He pulled the pants off and pushed me back onto the bed.

He knelt between my legs, and just began.. Touching me. His hands slid gently up my sides, across my ribs, soft against my still fuller breasts. I tried to reach for him but he just shook his head. His hands moved down my stomach, to my hips. Down the outside of my thighs. Then very softly up my inner thighs. I was trembling. Goosebumps erupted wherever his fingertips grazed my skin.   
He leaned over me, propping himself on his left elbow above my face. I looked up at him, clear invitation etched on my face. I caressed his cheek, pulling him in for a kiss. Long and slow, tantalizing and hot. Tongues meeting and retreating, wet and needy. His hand found my core, making me give a low moan that his own mouth swallowed. I pressed my hips against his hand, as his fingers parted me. He first gave me a gentle rub around my clit, soft and teasing. Then his finger slid low, lingering in the moisture of my arousal. I lifted my hips, wanting his fingers inside me.

He smiled against my mouth, treated me with one finger.. Then two. His thumb moving to rub my clit as he slid his fingers deeper. I closed my eyes, and sighed as he started to move them all.. Rubbing and thrusting, spreading heat inside me. His mouth moved to my ear, whispering all the things he loved doing to and with me. His voice sending shivers down my spine.

I had just enough mind left to reach down and grasp his cock where it rested against my hip. Hot and hard, soft to the touch. He took a shaky breath when I wrapped my fingers around him, and when I stroked him, he shook on top of me. “Vhenan, I want _you_ inside me,” I whispered into his ear. His eyes closed and he tried to chuckle, but apparently my hand was a little too distracting.

I gasped when he pulled his hand from me, then he pulled my hand from him. He moved between my legs, and I wrapped my feet behind him. His hand guided his cock, and when I felt him at my entrance I begged him for more. So slowly, he thrust. Inch by inch.. Until he was seated deep inside me. I sighed, revelling in the feeling of him, really there. Still. He pressed his mouth to my ear again, trailing his lips up to the tip, making me twitch beneath him.

Then he started to move, slow and sure, hot and heavy inside me. I gripped his arms, my eyes closed and my body just feeling. The cool of the sheets beneath me. The heat of his skin against mine. The ripple of his muscles under my hands. The barely controlled power swirling in both of us. I rubbed my foot up the back of his leg, marveling at the strength I could feel there. His right hand slid down my body, gripping my left hip. His left gripped the bed by my head, and he moved, thrust and filled me. And filled me again. Tension, perfect delicious tension.

I pressed my mouth to his neck, my teeth gently nipping the skin over his racing pulse. I could hear his quick intake of breath, the way his cock twitched suddenly inside me. I laughed softly against his skin. I looked at his face, a mask of intense concentration, his brow furrowed, his lips set. I traced my thumb over his bottom lip, and he looked at me in surprise. I smiled at him, pulling his face to mine.

His right hand squeezed my hip once, as I deepened the kiss. Then his hand was between us, touching me. Nimble fingers, around and over my clit, enticing and exciting. I moaned into his mouth, as his body drove mine to the brink of bliss. And held me there, captive to his fingers, his tongue on mine, and his cock moving slower and slower. He pulled his mouth from mine, looked down at me, and with those nimble fingers, he pushed me over.   
I moaned again, coming apart under him. Clenching and throbbing and grasping, my body fair exploded as the orgasm overtook me. He stared down at me, his blue eyes dark and deep, watching as I rode the wave. His own eyes closed, his neck arched and he grunted when he came. Somehow, he was hotter inside me, filling me, pulsing and throbbing. As my body eventually calmed, and he moved to lay next to me, his hand on my stomach, I gave a sigh.   
“I missed this, you know,” I said softly.   
“As did I.”

“But.. we did have the Fade,” I chuckled.

“Ah, yes. The Fade. The Fade and all of its memorable.. Firsts?” he smiled at me, and I blushed in response.   
“Maybe we can have some of those firsts, outside of the Fade..?” I asked with a sneer. He laughed. Kissed my nose.   
“Of course, Vhenan.” He rolled onto his back. And we laid staring up at the ceiling, enjoying the quiet moment. I closed my eyes and sighed.

 

And woke up an hour or so later to the quiet wail of the baby. I yawned and sat up, noted Solas sleeping next to me. I leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his head before climbing off the bed to grab and a robe, then the baby. She was sitting in her crib, little face pink from crying. She brightened as soon as she saw me.

“Well hello there, ma da’len. Did you enjoy your little nap?” I crooned as I lifted her into my arms. She cooed and patted my chin. I kissed her hand, prompting her to smile up at me. “Are you hungry?” I asked her as I walked with her to the rocking chair Blackwall had built for me. Wide arms, low enough for my arms to hold an eating baby. The man was a genius.

I sat and she started pulling at the top of the robe. I settled her at my breast, and I started rocking softly. I watched her as she played with my hair, intent on her task. I started to hum softly. A song I had heard in passing as a child in my clan. Sung by mothers to their children. Soft and lilting, it was a comforting thing to hear. I heard a sound and looked up to find Solas watching me. He had a soft smile on his lips as he watched us.

“Motherhood suits you,” he said quietly. Ash heard his voice and got all excited. She smiled up at me, arm waving around. I laughed at her, and grabbed her arm before she punched me. I rubbed my finger on her little cheek and she settled back down.

I looked back at him. “Fatherhood suits you,” I smiled. He chuckled. “It does, does it?”

I nodded. “Did you not see her? She fairly fell out of my lap with excitement for her papa.”

He gave a nod, got up and went to our closet. He walked out with pants on and a shirt in hand. He walked over to us and gave me a kiss. Then he kissed her head, chuckling again at her face lighting up.

“She loves you so, Solas. I hope you know that,” I whispered in his ear. He nodded, and kissed me again.

“I'm going to go to the library, let her finish eating in peace. Come find me when you're done,” and with that and a quick dashing smile, he slipped his shirt on and left the tower. I sighed and went back to rocking Ash.

When she finally finished her meal, I sat her in her crib so I could dress. I put on a pair of white leather pants, a purple button down shirt over a tight sleeveless shirt. Put a loose vest over that. Went and got Ashyn and changed her nappy before carrying her down the stairs. When I reached the bottom of the first flight, I felt a tingle in my left arm. It nearly always ached now, a low throbbing ache that I just typically ignored. But this, this was deeper. I shifted the baby into my right arm, and flexed my hand. The tingle intensified, like an electric current blazing through my hand and up my arm. I started to worry a little. I started walking towards the hall, and nearly collapsed when the tingle turned into a full blown burn. I bit my lip and Ash started to whimper against my shoulder. I made it to the door to the hall. Barely. I pushed it open and slid gently to the floor. Dorian was just entering the hall from the rotunda and saw me fall.

He yelled for help and ran to me. I begged him to take Ash, and as he lifted her from my arm I fell into the blackness.

 

I woke up slowly. Aware of the pain still radiating up my arm, like little electric frisons. I gasped and sat up, finding myself in my bed. I looked around, frantic. Solas appeared, “Hush. Ash is fine. Dorian and Stephie have her. Do you remember what happened?” he put his hand on my face. I nodded. Took a breath.

Lifting my hand, I explained what happened. His brow furrowed as he grasped my hand gently.

“It would seem the mark is spreading again. This isn't new growth, Shayde. Why didn't you tell me?” his voice was low.

“I honestly figured it was an after effect of the pregnancy and.. Well labor. I don’t know. I figured I would handle it. Or it would go away.”  
“Now who is being the stubborn one?” he asked with an arched eyebrow. I scowled.   
“I think all of the power changes, they affected the mark. And now it’s spreading. And it scares me, Solas,” I whispered the words. Because really saying them out loud might give them a power of their own.

“Vhenan, I wish you would have told me sooner. We have to look into this. There’s too much at stake now. Too.. too much to lose.” He swallowed after he spoke. That, more than what he said, was worrying. I pulled my hand away.   
“Is this going to kill me?”

“I don’t know. Truly. But it could. And I almost lost you once. I cannot do that again,” his head hung low, hiding his face. I lifted his head with my right hand, felt the wet on his cheek. It startled me. This show of emotion.

“This scares you that much?” I whispered.   
He nodded, his hand capturing mine. “It does. Are you feeling better?” I nodded, and truly the pain had mostly subsided.   
“Just an ache now, I think I’ll be alright for the time being. That’s the first time this kind of pain has happened. At least since I closed the breach the second time.”   
He sighed. “Come eat, then we will begin to research. I have other places to look, in the, well in the Fade. We will cover all that we can on this.” He stood up and held out his hand. I took it and he helped me stand. And before I knew it, I was against his chest, his arms tight around me. He murmured some words in elvish, too low for me to understand. I pressed my face against his shirt, beyond glad he was here.   
“Solas. You know I love you, right?” I muttered the words against his chest. He chuckled.   
“Aye, Vhenan, I do. And I love you. More than you will ever know,” he whispered into my hair.

 

**3 Months Later -**

 

I sat in the rotunda, on the floor, with Ashyn crawling around the room exploring. My left hand was wrapped, fist clenched. That morning I had had another bout of pain. This one left visible green trails up my arm. They faded just before my elbow. My fingers were covered in green veins and they almost always hurt now. I had just argued with Solas about it. And he had stormed out of the keep alone. It was taking what remaining emotional strength I had to not go running after him. Dorian had gone, muttering in Tevene under his breath. Bull was sitting in the doorway to the rotunda, either on guard or because Ash fascinated him as much as he did her. 

I smiled at her when she came crawling back to me, but she was looking at Bull.  
“Da’len, it’s alright. He is your friend, I promise. He is a mighty man, strong and true. You can trust him,” I whispered to her. And I knew she understood more than most babies did at nearly 10 months of age. She looked up at me and I nodded. She tentatively left me, and crawled towards Bull. He just sat there, his hand out on top of his knee. She stopped about a foot in front of him. Looked back at me. I nodded again. She moved a few inches closer, and looked to me again. I smiled and nodded once more. She reached out and touched his hand, her tiny fingers barely covering the tip of his giant finger.

His eyebrow shot up and I could tell he stopped breathing. She scooted forward, putting her other hand next to the first. And she smiled up at him. And that was that. The story of how a 10 month old magic baby charmed a giant Qunari man and turned him into a pile of jelly. She crawled onto his lap and sat on his leg. He supported her with his hands, and looked at me like he was completely lost. I just smiled and shrugged. Some things were better learned by doing.   
I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall. My heart was hurting today. We had said harsh words. Worry and fear colored every one, but we said them. I was afraid of his withdrawal from me. His ever longer ventures into the Fade. His quest for answers I had long given up on finding. This wasn’t a problem we could fix.

I was dying.

I could hear Ash start babbling at Bull, and his unintelligible answers. My heart constricted a little more. This baby would never be alone. Ever. She was beyond loved, everyone adored her. She even won over Sera, who had admitted she was allergic to babies. Her and Dagna had loads of fun playing with Ash.   
Josephine and Blackwall had been eyeing each other for months, and I think Ashyn was playing a part in getting them together. And Dorian. Darling Dorian, the man was positively goo in the baby’s hands. He would die for her in a heartbeat. As would all of the rest of them. Stephie had stayed on in Skyhold after I had Ash. And watching the romance between her and Cullen blossom had been a fascinating sight. As Cullen had fallen for Ash, Stephie had fallen for Cullen. And as she had fallen for Cullen, he had admitted to never truly getting over her before. And thus an epic love story.   
I felt a tear slip down my cheek. I hastily wiped it away. I had a feeling things were going to just get worse. Because, deep down inside me, I knew that the anchor was slowly turning me into a giant magical conduit. The voices and I conferred about it regularly. I resolved myself to this. As much as it hurt to do so. I opened my eyes and climbed to my feet. Ash wiggled excitedly in Bull’s hands and held out her arms to me. I went and picked her up, and thanked Bull.   
“What for, Boss?” he asked, surprised.   
“For being you. Could you go fetch Stephie for me please?” I asked. He nodded and traipsed off to find her. I sighed and walked back out into the main hall. As I paced for a few, I wondered at how this would play out really. Ash grabbed a lock of my hair, started chewing on it.   
“Seriously, Da’len? My hair?” I laughed and pulled it from her hands. She giggled at me and patted my face. I kissed her fingers and turned when I heard Stephie approaching.   
“Stephie! Can I ask you for a very.. Very large favor?” I asked. She nodded, eyes wide. “I need you to watch Ash for a few hours. I… I need to go into the Fade. Find Solas. Try and get some answers. Somewhere I don’t have to watch myself.”   
“Oh! Of course. Take all the time you need! We can look after her. Are you alright?” she asked as I kissed Ash’s head. I nodded and handed her to Stephie.   
“I don’t know how long this will take. There is a few bottles for her on the dresser in my room. I spelled them to keep them cold. Just heat them up and she will more than gladly take them. I’m going to go to the clearing and reach out from there. Safe distance from the keep.”   
She nodded. “Take your time. We’ll be here. Should I send anyone after you if.. If too much time passes?”

I shook my head. “Just tell Dorian where I am when he gets back, please?”

“As you wish. Be careful, Shayde. Please.”  
I nodded and ran out of the hall while I still could. At the bottom of the courtyard stairs, Josie found me. “Inquisitor. We have.. We have been summoned to Hilamshiral. For an Exalted Council.” She looked nervous.

“What is it Josie?” I asked.

“They wish to discuss the fate of the.. The Inquisition.”

I sighed. “We will talk about this when I get back.” She nodded and I walked away.

I went to the stable and took out Ruby. She knelt for me to mount, and with my right hand I led her from the keep at a gallop. Within an hour, and while it was still hours before sundown, I got to the copse of trees. It always felt so enchanting here. Loving. Like what Solas and I shared here regularly was changing the magical shape of the place. I slid off Ruby’s back and almost fell to my knees. I steadied myself against her, and after I felt I could walk I walked further into the clearing. I sat down and sighed. Erected a shield around the entire clearing, and laid down, took a breath, concentrated on Solas.…

 

_Entered the Fade. I looked around. I was in some sort of Library? The books looked ancient and worn. I ran my hand over one, feeling the ambient power within the nearest tome. I cocked my head and closed my eyes. Listened with my magic. And I felt him. That low steady thrum of power he gave off. I followed it. Across broken pathways, and through dark passages. I found him sitting at a table, surrounded by texts of all sizes._

_“Is this necessary?” I asked quietly. He jumped._ _  
_ _“How.. how did you get here?” he asked me._

_I laughed, not a little bitterly. “I followed you. I can feel you. All the time Solas. I know when you are in the waking world, or in the Fade. I know what you’re feeling. I can feel you.”_

_He rubbed a hand over his face. “Vhenan,” he started to speak. I held up my hand. Imperious gesture it was, but it worked so well the last time._ _  
_ _“Enough. You promised me. Promised me you wouldn’t leave this way. I can feel you leaving me Solas. It tears at me. You cannot leave. Ashyn needs you.. She needs you when I’m gone,” I whispered the last, feeling the tears streak unchecked down my face. He got up and ran around the table._ _  
_ _“I’m not leaving you. I’m trying to save you!” he said, pulling me into his arms. I collapsed against his chest, crying. Fear, and pain, powerful motivators._  
 _“There is no saving me, Solas. None. I can feel it inside me.”_

 _“There is an answer. There has to be. I will not accept this. Neither should you. Where is that stubborn woman who chased me across the Fade for months? Hid a pregnancy from me, a master in the Fade? You are the strongest person I know. And we will do this.”_ _  
_ _I shoved at him. “Do you not SEE this?!” I yelled, yanking the bandages off my hand. There in the eerie light of the Fade, my arm glowed a sickly green, veins of green worming their way up my arm and shoulder. I flexed my fingers, and the veins glowed brighter for a moment._

 _“I’ve been summoned to Hilamshiral. For the powers that be, the powers that wouldn’t be had it not been for the Inquisition, to discuss the fate of said Inquisition.”_ _  
_ _He looked almost panicked at that._ _  
_ _“No! You cannot go!” he yelled._   
I sighed. “I have no choice. We have no choice. You can stay here. Or not. I will summon Deshanna to come back to Skyhold to look after Ashyn. And pray to whichever gods are left that I live to see the end of the Council. From what I’ve heard, the negotiations can take months,” my voice cracked. Months. Away from home. From Ashyn. 

_“I have no choice. So make yours. Are you coming with me? Or do you stay and continue this fruitless quest?”_

_“I.. Vhenan, you cannot ask this of me,” he whispered. I chuckled again. “Yes I can. If you stay.. Can you at least look after Ash? Check in on her while I am gone?”_

_He nodded, a tear sliding down his cheek. I walked back to him, put my right hand on his cheek._ _  
_ _“Ar lath ma, Vhenan,” I whispered before kissing him. Kissing him like the world depended on it._

 

_Little did I know, that it did._

_I walked away then, my hand weaving an eerie green light around me._

 

I sat up on the grass, just as the sun began to set. I looked at my hand and noted the no longer there bandage. I sighed and flexed my fingers, noting the pain was less sharp now but the green was still climbing my arm, ever so slowly. I pulled out my little dagger, cut a strip from the bottom of my shirt. Wrapped it around my hand and arm, then roused the sleeping hart. Mounted, dropped the shield and made my way home.

 

Once there, I left Ruby with the stable hand, and went into the hall. I summoned everyone. Well everyone that was at the castle that day. Varric was back in Kirkwall for the time being, Blackwall was off at a meeting with the Wardens that were left in Orlais, Sera and Dagna were off on some magical artifact retrieval. Leliana was off in Val Royeaux doing whatever it was that the Divine does.

I paced the hall, waiting for them all to file in. Josie, Cass, Bull, Dorian, Fiona, Stephie, Cullen and Cole came to stand in front of me. Stephie had a sleeping Ash in her arms, and they all looked rather confused. Except for Josie, who just looked worried.   
“Josie, would you explain what has happened?” I asked before sitting on that stupid throne. I held my hand gently, and waited for her to speak.   
Once she had explained everything to the group, I stood back up. “We are going. We have 2 weeks to prepare. Dorian, I will need you and Bull to go fetch Deshanna and bring her back here. I’ll need her to stay here with Ash,” I swallowed, “while we're all gone.”

He nodded. They had only been home a few days before now anyhow, seeing as he had gone to Tevinter to see his family. We hadn't really had a chance to talk before now. He walked out of the hall, Bull not far behind. They would have to use the travelling spell.

I looked to the rest. “This could end badly or good. Or be a total mess. As political issues usually are. We’re likely in for months of crap. Political games, intrigue, you name it.” I rubbed a hand over my face, through my hair.

“Solas isn't coming. He is still trying to find answers. And something more but I still don't know what that entails. But for now, it's just me. And all of you.”

They all nodded in unison.

I dismissed them all and took Ash from Stephie, thanking her for her help.

“Are you alright, Shayde?” she asked me quietly. I shook my head. “But I will be. Thank you again. Goodnight.”

I took the baby up to bed, laid her in her crib and covered her with her favorite blanket. Then I changed myself into a nightgown and climbed into my own bed. I laid on Solas’s pillow and silently cried.

I laid there for over an hour, until I had no more emotion left to vent. Just as I was falling asleep, I heard a sound. The whoosh the travelling spell created. I sat up and there Solas stood at the end of the bed. I held out my hand and he nodded. He undressed quickly and climbed into the bed behind me. He pulled me into his arms, murmuring apologies and expressing his love.

I held his hand over my heart as I fell asleep. Knowing he’d be gone before sunrise. But he was here now. And that was enough.


	8. Faded and Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shayde chases Qunari and Fen'Harel, and in in the process.. Saves and changes the world again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final installment of this branch of their story.  
> Please bear with my scattered brain and heart and enjoy!

**My name is Shayde Lavellan. You've gone on quite an adventure with me. You've seen me laugh, cast amazing magicks, grieve, love, live and more. Cast as a murderer, an apostate. Herald of Andraste, the Inquisitor. I have destroyed countless enemies, people and demons alike, with the wave of a staff and a flick of magic. I took on an ancient Tevinter Magister and lived. I drank from an ancient elven well of magicks, and lived. I walked in the Fade twice physically, and I lived. I fell in love with a mysterious elf who is far more than he led me to believe. And I lived. I bore his magical daughter, a child who will shape the world one day.**

**And I lived.**

**But, and here is the crux of it all: While I lived through all of this, a part of me didn't. I was, from the moment the Keeper sent me to the Conclave, effectively cursed. I gained friends, a new family almost. People I have come to respect and love. And it brought me to Him.**

**Solas. An apostate himself, a mystery wrapped in magic that drew me like none other. With a few words, I was trapped. Not by magic. Or a curse. But by need. Love. The need to love? I can't even tell the difference any more.**

**Where am I going with all of this you ask? I've been summoned, as it were. To an Exalted Council. In Halamshiral. Before the ruling parties in both Ferelden and Orlais. Apparently to be taken to task like a child. For bringing and keeping together an organization meant to do what we did. And we've kept peace as well, since. Closing rifts that weren't found immediately, and much more.**

**And here I sit. In a room of bureaucrats and nobles.  Listening to them squabble like long married angry people. “We love the Inquisition,” pandered Orlais.**

**“Military strong hold on our borders, whine whine,” sneered Ferelden. I had a headache. Weeks of this. Nothing being solved. I just needed a break. To see my daughter.**

**But the universe wasn't so kind.**

 

A messenger came running into the room, down the long walkway and to my side. She whispered a few hasty words in my ear and I nodded.

“Josephine I need you to handle things for a few. Leliana and summoned me,” I whispered to Josie. “

“What?! How? She's up there?” She frantically whispered back. I didn't care how.

“Just deal with it. I'll be back.” With a hastily muttered excuse me to the powers that be, I left the room with my temper barely in check. The messenger led me outside and to a small room. Leliana, in her Divine Victoria robes, was there ahead of me. Along with a very dead Qunari soldier. Well I am assuming soldier, by the leather armor and weapons adorning his corpse. Blood was everywhere but it didn’t look like he had died there. Something niggled at me, deep in my mind.

I left her to go find Bull, and after a brief discussion I left him to his shenanigans with Krem. The next few days passed in a flurry of activity. We found an Eluvian, and it took us to the Crossroads. But an area totally apart from where Morrigan’s mirror goes. It was.. Breathtakingly beautiful, if not a little morose. But the more we saw, the colder my heart got. I saw more and more proof of _him_ .  
Solas.  
Everywhere.  
Fen’Harel.

The Wolf. Elven god of Mischief.  
I had fallen in love with an ancient elf.  
Explained so much. So damn much.

 

\---

  
I sat in the room they had assigned to me upon my arrival. I held my left hand in my right, trying to massage the pain that was getting worse. Sharp, jagged pain. I knew the others were seeing it, but no one had said anything. And Dorian was becoming suspicious about everything we were finding. I slid the metal armor sleeve back up my arm, buckling it to my shoulder. It was very effective at hiding the nasty green veins worming their way up to my shoulder. The less they saw, the better. I needed to get through this, figure out what Solas and this Viddasala was up to, fix this stupid mess and go home and die.

Dying, it was something I was closer and closer to accepting.  
It was a fate I could control. Unlike everything that had happened in the last 3 years.

I stood in front of the mirror, adjusting the leather armor I wore. It was gorgeous, black and red. I brushed my short white curls away from my face, my fingers lingering on the black hair that had gotten bigger over the last 3 weeks. Nearly half my head was black now, the hair thick and silky. It was worrisome. But no less than the green  veins on my arm, or the incessant pain. I noted my eyes were now tinged with red, and my right hand shook as I tried to straighten out my belt.

My hand glowed from inside the metal gauntlet on my left arm. Faint but it glowed steadily. I opened the drawer on the desk, drew out the sheaf of papers I had stored there. On them were written instructions for what I wanted to happen with my assets. What few I actually had of my own. Who I wanted to take Ashyn in the event Solas could not. What I wanted her told about the beginnings of her spectacular life.

How much I truly loved her.

How much her father loved her.

And how much I wanted the world she grew up in to be free and loving and bright.

I added a few notes to the stack. A letter for Dorian and one for Bull. One for Cass and one for Leliana. One for Varric, and Josephine. One for Sera and Dagna. One for Blackwall. And one for Solas, should he be found after this was all said and done.

I left them in a neat stack on the desk, with a locked box sitting on top of it. Inside the box were letters to be given to Ashyn as she grew. Keepsakes. Pieces of my and Solas’s life and love together. Pieces of magic woven into the papers, to show her.

When I stood, I had to stop myself from going and crawling into the bed to cry. I was so tired. Tired of fighting. Endless death. Bloodshed that followed me like a sinister shadow. I was tired of pain. Of watching those I love suffer at the hands of terrible beings.

Tired.

 

**And so we left. Through the Eluvian one last time. Little did the rest know, I had three purposes here. First, we were hunting the Viddasala, second, we were hunting Solas, or in the tongue of my people, Fen’Harel. And third, I was going to make him kill me.**

**Because I couldn't do this anymore.**

**We fought our way through scores of Qunari warriors. And several of them were the newly made more powerful Saarebas.**

**I made a mental note.. To enjoy the Crossroads for what they were. A beautiful if not lonely piece of elven history long lost to us. Cass kept trying to engage me, conversation, memories. Nothing really distracted me though. The explosions of pain and power, the anchor tearing through me quicker.. And quicker. Releasing the power had little effect on the pain that was ceaseless.**

**I tried to think on Ash, her gorgeous little face. I had gone to see her this morning, using the travel spell. She had been so happy, snuggling close and refusing to let me go when I had to leave. I had sobbed as I re-entered Halamshiral. My heart had stayed with her, and my soul was searching for Solas.**

**I felt him near. Near enough at least, in the warren of mirrors.**

**Then it happened. The Qunari Saarath. A long and brutal fight. We all almost died many times. And that damn power in the anchor was the only thing that saved us. After we finally defeated him, I dashed through the remaining Eluvian before the others could follow me.**

 

I found myself in yet another part of the Crossroads. Except here, there were countless statues. Qunari warrior statues. I looked around, staggered by the number of them that has just.. Been frozen mid-step. I gasped, holding my arm still as I wound my way through them. I could hear someone yelling up ahead. The Viddasala? I couldn't tell who she was yelling at. I could, however, guess.

Solas.

Fen’Harel.

Elven God?

Savior of the ancient elven peoples?

Father.. Of my child.

I made my way up the last flight of stairs I could see. Just in time to see the Viddasala flash.. Then turn to stone. Solas didn't even turn when she went. Just kept walking towards a last mirror.

“Solas.” My voice was rough. Strained. Agony streaked through my arm, and I fell to my knees. Then I felt.. Something swim through the air around me, and the pain stopped. I stood back up.  
“There.. That should give us more time,” he said, a wry look on his face. “You cut your hair?” he asked, surprised. I nodded. His eyes widened when he saw how black it had gotten. He shook his head. “I suspect you have questions.”

I shrugged. “You’re Fen’Harel.”

“I was Solas first, Fen’Harel came later. An insult I took as a badge of pride. The Dread Wolf inspired hope in my friends, and fear in my enemies. Not unlike ‘Inquisitor’ I suppose. And now you know… what is the old Dalish curse? ‘May the Dread Wolf take you’?”

I sighed. “And so he did.”

“I did not mean it like that,” he said quietly.

I nodded. “I know. But you lied to me. Again and again. Omissions are just as awful as out and out lies, Solas. I love you. Ash loves you. We needed you. And.. this. All this. Did you really think I couldn’t have understood? I could have helped you,” I said softly, barely constraining myself. “If you ever loved me.. Give me the truth.”

He sighed, pacing, “I sought to set my people free from slavery to would-be gods. I broke the chains of all who wished to join me. The false gods called me Fen’Harel, and when they finally went too far, I formed the Veil and banished them forever.” He took a breath. “Thus I freed the elven people, and, in so doing, destroyed their world.”

“You love the Fade, why would you create the Veil to hide it all away?”

“Because very alternative was worse.” I just tilted my head, waiting.

“Had I not created the Veil, the Evanuris would have destroyed the entire world.”  
Cold slashed through me.

“You only banished them.. You didn’t kill them?”

“You met Mythal, did you not? The First of my people do not die so easily. The Evanuris are banished forever, paying the ultimate price for their misdeeds”  
  
And so the conversation went, him explaining how the Evanuris plotted against Mythal, who was the best of them all. They killed her, and the crime for which an eternity of torment was the only fitting punishment. He explained how she was the best, and she cared truly for her people, protecting them.  
How her death was the beginning of the end.  
He explained how the Evanuris exalted themselves after war, claiming necessity. Godhood.

He explained how, when he created the Veil, it destroyed many things that were completely dependent on the Fade, in our world. How.. the arrival of the Veil is what caused the elves to begin aging. Not the humans as many had thought.

“It was me. The Veil took everything from the Elves, even themselves”

“Alright. What will you do now?” I asked, already dreading the answer.

“I lay in dark and dreaming sleep while countless wars and ages passed. I woke still weak a year before I joined you. My people fell for what I did to strike the Evanuris down. But still.. Some hope remains for restoration.” He walked away from me, took a breath. “I will save the Elven people, even if it means this world must die.”

And there it was.

“Let me help you,” I offered, knowing he would reject the idea.

“I cannot do that to you, Vhenan.”

The rage I felt then… unholy was a mild term for it.

“But you would do it to yourself? Are you serious? After.. After everything?!” I yelled. He turned around, shocked at my anger.  
“I am DYING Solas! Your daughter, YOUR daughter will be ALONE if you do this!” Then.. it hit me. This was what he had been planning. Since before we kissed that first time in the Fade.

Sweet talker.

Fade kisses.

Fade.. sex.

Forbidden love?

I could feel my arm starting to burn again.  
“There is nothing I can do to turn you from this, is there?” I asked bitterly. Tears fell down my face. He looked as stricken as I felt. I held out my right hand, and he took it. I pulled him close, my heart racing, blood soaring through my body. When he put his arms around me, I put my right arm around his neck, my left hand to his cheek. “Ar.. lath.. Ma.. Vhenan,” I said before kissing him. Then I hugged him close, whispering the words to the traveling spell, dumping all of the power from the anchor, the magicks from the Well, and my own formidable power into it. I could feel it tearing through me, but I held fast. The air around us turned a sickly green, and the pain in my arm was agonizing.

Then a flash of light.

A swirl of time.

“What are you doing?!” he cried, as the Crossroads disappeared, and in another blazing flash of green and white light, we were deposited in a field. The air rippled around us. We were in a barren burnt out field. I let him go, collapsed to the ground, gripping my arm.

“Shayde! What have you done?” he whispered, horror in his voice.

“Behold, Fen’Harel, your future..” I whispered back, before falling unconscious.

I awoke to arms holding me, the pain in my arm lessened again. 

“Solas?” I said, hoping.

“Aye, Vhenan.”

“Did it work?” I asked quietly.

“You brought us into the future. That shouldn’t be possible,” he whispered. I gave a bitter laugh.

“It isn’t the first time for me, now is it?” I asked quietly.

“Alexius.”

I nodded. “He proved to be rather useful. I asked him, myself of course, to give me the formula he had used to create his time travel spell. But you see I had a massive advantage. I had an overabundance of power at my command that he lacked. And here we are.”

“How far?” he asked.

“5 or so years, give or take a few months. Is it as bad as I thought it would be?”

“Everything.. Everything is gone, Shayde. This was the copse of trees we used.. To make love in. Gone. Even your magic couldn’t sustain it anymore.” He sounded horrified. Tears poured from him. I sat up and looked around.

“Worse than I thought. Brilliant. Can you feel it?” I asked. He nodded. The Fade. Demons. Spirits that had been in the Fade, brought to our world when the Veil fell. And.. all became demons.

Chaos.

Pain.

Rivers of pain.  
Death.

I stood up slowly, slightly dizzy still from the drain of power. I held my hand out to him, and with a reluctance even I couldn’t blame him for, he took it. Then we disappeared, and reappeared inside the main hall of Skyhold. To the surprise of the few living people remaining there. Dorian, his hair completely white, looking 20 years older, not just 5. A raven haired girl stood next to him, eyes the color of what the sky used to look like, skin pale like her mother’s.

Dorian tried to throw a shield around them, but I deflected it with ease.

“Stop that. I warned you this could happen,” I said quietly. He nodded, looking away from me.

“There are very few of us left, Shayde. It.. was indescribable. You were right. About all of it.”  
Solas looked at me. “How did.. You know?” he asked. I just looked at him. “You, love, talked in your sleep. And I am smarter than I look. Puzzles have long fascinated me. And I had the knowledge of an ancient well feeding me information from eons past.”

The little girl looked up at Dorian, and with a hand he gestured her towards me. She ran. No hesitation.

“Mama, I knew you would come,” she whispered as she wrapped her little arms around my waist. I held her, feeling my heart seize in my chest. “Of course, Da’len, nothing could have kept me away, nothing,” I whispered, my face pressing into her hair. She smelled like.. Sunshine after a rainy day.  
She looked up at me, “Is it time?” she asked me quietly. A wealth of knowledge in her beautiful eyes. I held my breath and nodded.

Dorian sat down on the stairs, took a breath.  
“Thank you, Dorian,” I said.

“You had better be right. If Bull.. died for nothing, I am going to kill Solas myself,” he growled, pain stark in his grey eyes. I closed my own and took a breath. Ashyn left my arms and walked to her father. She took his hand, and held it between her own.

“Papa, I need to show you something,” she said softly. He could only nod. She led him into the rotunda. There on the walls, instead of his poignant paintings, were _hers_.

Depicting the fall of the Veil, the terror unleashed across the world, the demons flooding the world of the living. Magic returning to all of the Elves, the chaos that ensued. The fall of Halamshiral, the Free Marches, Seheron, Par Vollen, Ferelden, Orlais, Rivain, Antiva.

“Papa. When the Veil fell, the world, it didn’t die like you thought it would. Elves regained their magic, but so did most of the humans. The Kossith came back, with their fearsome dragons.” Ashyn walked around the wall, showing him what had happened. I felt sick to my stomach, and was ready to fall on my head, had there not been a doorframe holding me up.

“Papa. You didn’t break the world when you created the Veil, changed it yes. But it wasn’t broken. We can stop this. The death of the hundreds of thousands. We can fix this,” she whispered, her eyes moving to his. He looked about to expire on the spot.

“How.. do you know all of this?” he asked.

“The voices from the Well have told me.”

She held out her hand and a little flash of light appeared above her hand. “You needn’t take down the Veil to bring us back to our glory, Papa. I can show you how.” She blew on the little light, and it floated from her hand, into his chest. He clutched at his skin, terror on his face until he sunk to his knees on the floor. A look of wonder replaced the terror. Peace almost. Then he clutched his head, pain warring with grief.

And he saw what I had seen. The deaths of so many, Elves. Humans. Dwarves. Qunari. And he saw the deaths to come, everyone. Leaving the world in the hands of the demons that he had so reviled.

The vision changed.

“Papa. The Veil you created hid the Fade away from everyone. But.. if you make the Veil into something more like a window of sorts, then.. Those you hid away with the Veil are still trapped, but the world will be better. Healing.”

I smiled at her when she looked at me, the need for encouragement as evident as it had been that day when she was 9 months old and crawling to Bull. She pressed on.

“Mama showed me things, beautiful things. How you love me, how you love the spirits in the Fade. How the beauty of the world fascinated you. How much you loved your people. How much she loves us both. Papa. We have to save her,” she whispered to him, as he stared up at her with wonder.

“She showed me a field of sparkling flowers, a copse of trees where love grew green and bright, she showed me the first time she saw you holding me sleeping, and she showed me a day in the sun, when I was a baby and you were happy.”

I covered my mouth. The spells I had woven into the letters I had left for her had worked. Pieces of memories, feelings and images embedded in the words I wrote to her. She had grown up loved. And if this worked, this future would never happen in the first place. This would be..  A terrible dream.

He sat there, on his knees, Ashyn standing right in front of him. She put her little hand on his face, and she leaned close.

“Mama needs us. The world needs us. Will you help me?” she whispered. He lowered his head, and seemed.. To grow almost. He looked back at her, and nodded his head. She took his hand and he stood up. She held out her other hand to me, “Mama, can you hold Daddy's hand?” I almost cried there. I turned and held out my hand to Dorian. He wiped at his face and took it. When I took her hand she asked me to take us to the place with the sun from when she was a baby. I nodded and with a Little mana push from Dorian, we appeared in the barren field.

Ashyn took Solas and led him to stand in a spot, asked him to stay there. She did the same to Dorian. She then took me and set me in one, then moved to stand in another. They formed a triangle around me. She instructed them, in her little voice, to all lay a hand on me. Solas put his hand on my cheek, a new look of something akin to resolve on his tired face. Dorian put a hand on my shoulder and Ash took my hand. “Mama, can you feed us your power? One more time?”  
I nodded, closed my eyes, summoned the power. From the Anchor, what the Well offered me, and my own. Brilliant and white. I felt it filling me, leeching into their bodies from where they touched me. Light danced from my fingertips, swirling in the air around us. Ash instructed Solas and Dorian how to go about casting this final spell. And she pulled me down and whispered to me.. The moment to take Solas and I back to the past. I nodded and tried not to cry. I was so weak now. I stood back up and finished the power feed, and as the last of what I could spare moved from me to them, as they finished the words to the spell, the ancient words none of us except her, the Well and I knew, she pushed me towards Solas. I fell into him, and I said the traveling spell again, draining the last of my power. As we started to vanish, I could see the foundations of the world changing, bright flashes of light, swirls of color in the air, and Ashyn clinging to Dorian as they vanished before our eyes.

When we reappeared in our time, in the same field that was once again a copse of trees, the earth shook beneath our feet. I fell to my knees, feeling the Veil tremble and shake around us, pulling at my magic, and tearing at the Anchor. I screamed as the pain reverberated through my arm, and fell to the ground gripping it. Solas fed his magic into the rendering of the change to the Veil, knowing he couldn’t stop now or all would be lost. Bright runes appeared in the air around his hands, shaping the Veil into its new form.  
I could feel myself fading, and I laid on the grass staring up into the bright sunny sky, hearing Solas calling to me to fight it. I didn’t think I had it in me to fight anymore. I tried to whisper, that I loved him still, despite everything. Or maybe even because of it. He was an extraordinary person, brilliant and bright, loving and smart, mischievous and kind. His love was a blessing, and I had been a better person knowing him.

Fen’Harel

Father of my daughter

Friend

Lover

In the words of the humans, apt words at that, Soulmate

  
And then the darkness claimed me.

 

 _I sat in a room, dark at first. I was dressed in a grey dress, simple even for me. I looked down, and my left hand was nearly transparent. I sighed. I heard a sound, and when I looked, there stood my father. Oh how I had missed that face._ _  
_ _“Papa,” I whispered, my voice hushed in this place. He smiled at me, and came to sit with me. He put an arm around me, hugging me close. His long white hair was gathered in loose braids down his back, his green vallaslin bright on his smiling face. His gray eyes were bright, and his hands warm._ _  
_ _“You, Da’len, have been very busy, haven’t you?” he teased me, his voice soft and soothing. I gave a wry chuckle._ _  
_ _“You could say that,” I answered. He sighed this time._ _  
_ _“This is not your time, Da’len. You have much to do still. Your daughter, she will need you in this new world you have helped to shape and mold. She will need your love, and your steady hand. Your power and your mind. As will Solas.”_   
I looked down at my hands, “I am so tired Papa. My body is so done. The power I was wielding, the stolen mark, it was destroying my body.”

 _“I know, love, I know. But, there is hope yet. Solas is already using his power to save you. You will leave here soon. I have something for you,” he held out his hand. In the palm was a little ball of purple light. “When you awake, this.. Will mark you again, much like the Anchor did. But this? This will heal you. And it will remind you of how very loved you truly are. Your friends, your man. Your daughter, your clan. Your mother and I. Our love is awe-inspiring, when taken altogether. You need to live.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead._ _  
_ _“You are the strongest woman I have ever known, Shayde Lynlya Lavellan. You have moved mountains, and saved the world countless times. You have gained the love of an immortal elf, and you, you have saved our people.” He stood, pulling me to my feet. I could feel the tears coursing down my face, as he put a hand on my cheek. With the other hand he pressed the purple light into my chest, and it felt like.. A million candles burning me while at the same time being the most soothing sensation ever._ _  
_ _“Ar lath ma, Da’len,” he whispered, before he disappeared into the darkness._   
Then I felt a shock.

_And another._

 

I gasped and groped at whatever held me down. An arm? I opened my eyes and found myself inside my room at Skyhold. Solas sat on the bed next to me, holding me down. He was saying something, but the blood rushing to my ears made it hard to hear. Then Dorian appeared, standing next to me, calling out to me. I fell back onto the bed, trying to breathe.

“Shayde, can you hear me?” Dorian said, and I nodded.

“Shayde.. You’ve been unconscious for 2 days. Do you remember what happened?” he asked, worry very evident on his handsome face. I nodded again. I took a breath and tried to sit up again. Solas stopped me again.  
“Vhenan, you must stay still until we explain what has happened.” Solas’s voice sounded raspy and not at all normal. I stilled and waited.

Dorian spoke first. “You.. well you succeeded. Shayde, the Veil has been fundamentally altered. Not torn down, but changed. It is less a Veil and more of a … lace curtain? Those with magic can see it much more fully than those without. But.. Solas please?” he asked.

“Elves all over are gaining magic, much like what would have happened had the Veil been taken down as I had planned. Slowly. But, it’s different than before. More muted I suppose. Our magic is stronger, and yours has changed. While you were unconscious, I had to remove your mark, and the affected flesh. I am so sorry, Vhenan,” he whispered. I stared up at him, trying to process.

The flesh.

 _My_ flesh.

My hand?

My arm?

He caressed my face, then helped me sit up. I closed my eyes first, searching inside me. My magic was still fairly tapped out, but.. There was no more of the searing pain inside me that was the Anchor. I opened my eyes, and looked down. My arm. Just past my elbow. Gone. I looked back to Solas, and he looked heartbroken. I smiled at him.

Confusion.

“Solas. It’s gone. The Mark.. the infection or whatever it was doing inside me. It’s really gone. I don’t feel it eating at me. This.. is amazing,” I said, wonder very evident in my voice. “My soul feels free, Solas. Thank you,” I whispered, before launching myself into his arms. He buried his face in my neck, crying against my skin.

“I am still sorry, for everything,” he whispered.

Dorian’s eyes widened and he quietly left the room. I just held Solas, as best as I could. “I am not the one to forgive you. I understood what you wanted. I also would have helped you, because I love you. More than anything that I have ever loved,” I said quietly in his ear. He pulled away, looking down at me.  
“What I did..” he started to say, but I shook my head. “You didn’t. Maybe, once, you did. But in the here in and now, you did not. Can’t you feel the change?” I asked. He nodded, albeit reluctantly.

“Do you remember what happened? When you found me in the Crossroads?” he asked, looking out the open balcony door. I laughed softly.

“I stole you. Went through time and found Ash and Dorian. Here. Most of the world was dead, Solas. You would have been the executor of that. I would have died, in the Crossroads. And your daughter would have grown up with Dorian and Bull. And she saved us. Saved you.”

“What if I don’t deserve to be saved, Shayde?” he asked me quietly.

“Then you are more stupid than I gave you credit for.”

He shot me a look, shock and was that a smile?

“You have lived far past your time, Solas. You came here. To me. And while your plans originally set this all in motion, you stayed and tried to rectify the damage done. You helped us stop Corypheus. And you saved Thedas from an invasion by the Qunari. You gave me a child, something I had long since given up hope for. You gave me a child that will be wise beyond her precious years, and she will continue to bend and shape the world,” I whispered the last fiercely.

“You, Solas, matter.”

He bowed his head. Shook it. I sighed. Lifted his face and brought him close, kissing him softly. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered. I shrugged. “I don’t deserve most of what I have, but here we are. Where is Ashyn?” I asked. He smiled, “She has been staying with Stephie, although she has come to see you many times. Would you like her brought to you?” he asked. I shook my head.

“Help me dress?” I asked. His brow furrowed and he looked ready to protest.

“I need to do this. You can help me if need be, but I will go see them all.” He sighed and nodded. I directed him to the closet and asked him to bring me my white long sleeved button down shirt, a gray undershirt, some gray pants and black boots. He helped me dress, holding me when I got dizzy, and pinning up the sleeve over the wrapped stump that was my arm. He carried me down the stairs, and to the throne. He sat me down, and everyone crowded close. Dorian, and Bull. Sera and Dagna. Josephine and Blackwall. Cassandra and Varric. Stephie and Cullen, with Ash in Cullens arms. She screeched with delight when she saw me, and nearly fell out of his hands to get to me. Solas took her and settled her on my lap, with me crying and holding her close, her hand in my hair and her head on my chest. My heart felt near bursting, and one by one, they all hugged me and welcomed me home.  
Until Josephine got to the dais. “Inquisitor.. You know I love you. You are like a sister to me, a sister who isn’t frivolous and silly. But.. there is the matter of the Exalted Council. They called a recess until you were well enough to return. What shall I tell them?” she asked me nervously. I gave her a brilliant smile.

“We can go right now,” I said cheerily. Her eyes got huge, and everyone in the room protested. I laughed. “Solas knows the travel spell, and I shall go and put their minds at ease. Then I shall come straight home.”

I let Solas hand Ash back to Stephie, and I stood up. “I have things I need to tell them anyhow. They will learn of it soon enough, but it should come from me,” I said. Josie nodded reluctantly. I held my hand out to Solas.

He took it, and with a shake of his head we were in the antechamber of the Exalted Council. I could hear them inside the room. I took a breath and shoved the door open, and walked slowly across the room. The raised voices hushed almost immediately upon seeing me. Leliana looked shocked to see me up and about. I could only imagine what she had been told up to this point.

“What is the meaning of this?” asked the Arl from Ferelden.

I nodded to them but once, and spoke. “I have some things that you need to be made aware of, Lords and Lady.”

“And what is that?” he asked me imperiously. I gave him a smile.

“While I was gone, I managed to track the Qunari who were planning an invasion of all of Thedas. I freed their dragon, destroyed their supply of explosive black powder, and killed their most powerful mage. I also found who they were after, and after much debate and a few magical things most of you would not understand, I changed things.”

“What things?” Leliana, Divine Victoria, asked. I gave her a look. “I have altered the whole of the Veil.”

The resounding roar of the people in the room was almost deafening.

It took several minutes for them to calm themselves.

Once silence fell again, I spoke some more. “I will give you all a full report on this later, as I am still recovering. But suffice it to say, the Veil is no longer a barrier between the Fade and the waking world. It is.. Less of a wall and more of a window. I know a lot of won’t understand this, but I will try to explain it the best as I can. When the Veil was created thousands of years ago, it was done with the best of intentions. To stop an evil group of would-be gods from destroying the world, and it worked. But, it had unintended side effects. It stripped the elves of their intrinsic link to magic, locked away their immortality.” A ripple of noise flew around the room. I held up my right hand.

Silence.

“The Veil changed the entire nature of the world. And as such, things that wouldn’t have happened without it, well they happened. And kept happening. So there needed to be a change. One that cannot be undone. The Veil is no more. It is more of a lacy curtain. Things will continue to change for a while. Elves.. A good portion of them will regain the magic we had lost. Magic is part of us. I suspect many humans will as well. Dwarves may well be able to dream now. Magic as a whole has changed, and we will need to help those affected. And as such, I am disbanding the Inquisition. However, I am keeping Skyhold. It will change from a military institution to one of learning and healing. We will help those coming into their powers, and train them in their uses. Young and old alike. No matter the race.” The Ferelden ambassador sputtered and I held up my hand again, and much to his own astonishment, he quieted.

“I was reviled, an apostate, accused of murder, treated as less than a person, deemed the Herald of Andraste, I closed the Breach twice, I was chased and hunted for a magical mark inside my hand. I walked the Fade twice and survived. I have saved the world not once, or twice even. Three times. And I lost my arm in the process. I don’t make demands of you. You are losing nothing if I keep a castle NONE of you knew existed until I took it. The only thing that I ask, is that you allow me to turn what talents I have towards making the new world we find ourselves in, a better and safer place than the last one we had.”

The silence almost echoed.

“I am Shayde Lynlya Lavellan, and you shall have your wish. No more Inquisition. No more army. Just a one armed elf, her love and family helping the new mages of the world.” And with those parting words, I stood and let Solas help me from the room. The silence that followed me was deep, until someone started clapping. Then another, and another. Until the entire room was standing and clapping and thanking me. I kept my head high as we exited the room, and when Solas closed the doors behind us, I collapsed into his arms. Before I knew it, we were back in Skyhold. The bedroom, precisely. He quickly undressed me and tucked me into bed, before touching a hand to my forehead and sending me into a deep sleep.

 

**5 Weeks Later -**

  
“Shayde, we have to look at it. It’s completely healed.” Solas said the words with a bit of exasperation. I rolled my eyes. Adjusting to no arm was exceedingly trying. And I had no problem with losing it, but losing what little grace I had was humiliating.

“Fine!” I said. He unwrapped the soft cloths tied around it, and instead of watching my arm, I watched his face. And the one expression I never thought to see was shock. I looked down, and there, on the scarred remains of my arm, were these brilliant purple lines, and flowers. They looked like vallaslin, but some how.. Much more detailed and gorgeous.

“Papa,” I whispered. My throat grew tight. “I saw him. When.. when I fell unconscious after we got back. I saw him, and he gave me this purple floating light.”

“Do you think it was really him?” he asked me quietly. I nodded. “These are the flowers, Solas. From our dream,” I whispered.  
“I can see that. What a remarkable gift,” he murmured, gently running his fingers over the skin. I nodded. He looked at me, “You are beautiful, Vhenan,” he said, surprising me. I shook my head, but he persisted. “You are. You may have lost an arm, but you are more beautiful than ever. Your heart is happy, your soul content. And those lines of worry that were ever present on your face are gone. You are truly free,” he said. I swallowed. And he kissed me. A gentle reminder that he was still here. Still mine.

Love. What a strange thing? Fierce and strong, yet fragile and poignant. Overwhelming and awe inspiring.

 

**1 Month Later -**

 

I stood in the middle of the copse of trees, bright and green, shimmering with life and more. Since we had changed the nature of the Veil, this place felt like.. More than it had before. I closed my eyes, spread the fingers on my right hand and spun in a slow circle, feeling out the magic.

My own magic had changed significantly. I had a new intrinsic link to the Fade that I hadn’t even come close to having with the anchor. I could _see_ through the new barrier between the waking world and the Dreaming. I had to concentrate to do so, but I could. I also had a power unlike what I had had before. I had been strong before, before the Well of Sorrows, before the Anchor. The Well granted me knowledge and access to powers long forgotten. But with the removal of the Anchor, and playing with the time magic the way I had, my own magic was deeper. There were days even Solas was still surprised.  
I sat in the grass, gathering the dress I wore around my knees. I placed my hand into the grass, and fed the magic here. Nurturing. Loving. Tending to what was _mine_ in a way that it never would be for anyone else. I could feel the spirits pressing in on this place now. Kind ones, spirits of compassion, luck, even what felt to be a spirit of valor. They gathered to feel. Experience. I could feel the tingle of the connection go the Fade from here, the pressing need for _more_ . And so I fed it. A glow started in my hand, worked its way out in a circle from it, spreading through the grass, and up into the trees. Sparkling lights fell from the leaves and branches, and danced in the air around me.

After a few minutes, I pulled it back. Gathered the magic I had let loose, slowly severing the connection. When I stood to leave with Solas, I looked back. In the corner with the other flowers, stood a single little white budded flower, one from that field in our dreams so long ago.

“Do you see that?” I asked quietly. He nodded, giving me a knowing smile. He pulled me into his arms, gathering me close. “That was a true place of beauty, was it not?” he asked me with a grin. I smiled back. “It really was, and it seems that beauty just might come back to us.”

“I believe so. Can you imagine Ash’s face when she sees one explode in those sparks?”  
I laughed. That would be a sight to see! He brushed my hair from my cheek, pressed his forehead to mine. “Vhenan, you truly are remarkable.” His voice was low, and it tingled across my heart.

“You aren’t so bad yourself,” I teased, trying to ignore the hard thump of my heart. Then he was kissing me, his hands framing my face. His tongue teasing mine, his breath hot and sweet. I gripped his shirt, keeping him close. The kiss was one of those long drawn out affairs, tongues, and teeth and slow wet teasing. My stomach flooded with heat, and my legs grew weak. He pulled away, and knelt in front of me, helping me to kneel as well. Then his hands were on the straps of my dress, sliding them off my shoulders, one at a time. The bodice clung to my breasts, before his finger gave it a tug. He pressed me back into the grass, his mouth gently on mine, before weaving a trail of hot kisses down my neck, my left shoulder where the purple flowers continued to climb, my collarbone, between my breasts, before taking one in each hand. Lavishing attention, tongues and lips and teeth.

I closed my eyes and let myself feel. I had missed this part of him. The playful lover who gave his all. And he was back with an entirely new abandon. He pulled himself from me, and pulled the dress from my hips. “You look like a lovely little Nymph laying on the grass that way, with your hair curling around your head,” he said, smiling down at me. He pulled his shirt over his head, and stood to remove his pants. When he settled himself on top of me, I ran my finger down his face. “Ar lath ma, Vhenan,” I whispered, before pulling his mouth back to mine. Then he was touching me, his hands slow and methodical, building that ever present heat. When his hand finally touched my core, I was already more than wet with need.

Need for him.

He didn’t disappoint, and when he finally filled me, my brain scattered to the wind. Sensation after sensation, magic dancing across our skin, love filling us both. He moved within me, long sure strokes that took my breath away, his chest pressed to mine, his mouth against my neck. His left hand holding my right, fingers entwined. My legs wrapped around him, heart racing. He slid his right hand down my side, fingers spread wide. Down my hip, between us. When he touched me, found my clit, I almost flew apart right then. But he moved slow. His hips, his cock, his fingers. Slow and deliberate.  
Within moments, I was writhing beneath him, begging him for more. Release. Then his mouth moved to my ear, “You are mine. Heart and soul. Forever more,” he whispered, his voice sending shivers racing down my spine.

And then he pushed me over. Bliss.

I arched beneath him, crying out as I fell to pieces. Shivering, clenching, twitching. Then his own voice echoed around us, as he took his own. Hot and pulsing, throbbing deep inside me. Ears ringing, bodies sated. He lifted his head and looked down at me, his blue eyes bright. I smiled at him, then brought his mouth down to kiss him softly.

“Forever?” I asked.

“And ever,” he answered.  
  
**3 Months Later -**

 

Ash walked through the field, tottering on her little chubby legs, her white hair curling against her shoulders. She wore a lavender dress, frothy and full, her feet bare. She held a little bundle of flowers in her hand, and had a crown of flowers on her head. She spotted Solas, at the other end of the field. He squatted and held out his hands to her, and she squealed before heading straight towards him. He wore a simple suit, sage green and white, a wide belt about his hips. Behind him stood Varric, Rainier, Cole and Bull.

Maryden stood off to the side, wearing a long green dress, playing her lute and singing the most beautiful song, in Elven of all things.  
Keeper Deshanna stood next to Divine Victoria at the center. Cassandra, Josephine, Sera and Vivienne walked towards the men and women, each wearing purple. Josie in a shining satin dress, Vivienne in a long gown, Sera wearing a knee length purple dress, and Cass wearing a white pair of leather pants, with a long purple dress tunic over it. She even had a flower tucked into her braid, probably put there by a tiny toddler’s hands.

Other friends surrounded everyone else, with an aisle down the middle. Dagna, Harrit, Lace Harding, Fiona, Morrigan and Kieran. Some of the new mages who had come to Skyhold, and some of the people who had stayed on after the Inquisition was no more. Cullen and Stephie stood arm in arm, big grins on their happy faces.

I stood behind them all, breathing in their collective happiness. I wore a long light purple dress, lacy and draped to the ground, with a sage green ribbon cinching it under my breasts. The same ribbon wound its way over my shoulders and around the base of my neck. Purple flowers climbed my neck, an ever giving gift from my father. A crown of flowers laid on my hair, the sparkling flowers. My hair had grown, so fast, a loose long fall of white and black curls. Dorian stood next to me, dapper in his green and white suit, his eyes bright and emotional.

“Are you ready, my dear?” he asked me quietly. I nodded, giving him a bright smile.  
“I have never been more ready for anything in my life, Dorian.”

“This is forever, you know. You marry that ridiculous man, it’s forever.”

I laughed. “Of course it is. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love him Dorian. And he loves me. This is right.”

He nodded. “Just making sure. I love you too, and only want your happiness. You’ve had enough darkness to fill a lifetime. Time for a little light,” he teased, before touching a finger to one of the flowers on my head, causing a brilliant cascade of white sparks.

He chuckled and held out his left arm. I looped my hand through it and he walked me towards Solas and Ashyn. She stood next to her father, practically bouncing. She held his hand and started babbling in excited Elven. He smiled down at her, until she yelled for me. When he looked back at me, his eyes widened and softened. He smiled, this slow devastating smile that hit me deep. Blue eyes bright, shoulders high, anticipation bright on his face.

Maryden ceased her song when I reached Solas. Dorian kissed my forehead before moving to stand with Bull.

Keeper Deshana spoke words, in both common tongue and Elven. Divine Victoria spoke more, and within mere minutes, we were bound, heart and soul, for life.

He cradled my face in his hands, and pressed his lips to mine.

The first kiss of our new life.

Ash squealed from the ground, “Papa!”  
Solas chuckled and bent to pick her up. She giggled happily when she was sandwiched between us, her hands on our faces.

The beginning of the end.

The end of the beginning?

Forever stood before us, and we were ready.

 

 **Over the ensuing years, Ashyn grew to be a smart and capable mage, growing up loved and cherished. She gained a brother when she was but 4 summers old, and was the best big sister she could be.** **  
** ****

**Dorian returned to Tevinter, as a Magister in the Magisterium. Bull traveled with his Chargers, helping the people when they were needed, and spending time with his love in a mountain villa when they could get away.** **  
** ****

**Cassandra returned to the Chantry at the request of the Divine, to rebuild and reshape the Seekers.** **  
** ****

**Cullen and Stephie married and with land bequeathed to them by the Crown in Ferelden, they started a center for Templars to retire, or to have a safe haven in which to quit taking Lyrium.**

**Sera and Dagna traveled, though they always found their way back to Skyhold.** **  
** **Vivienne helped start a new Circle of sorts, though it was no longer mandatory for mages to join.**

**Rainier and Josephine returned to Antiva, married and helped run her family’s shipping business. They had several children, dark and gorgeous and smart just like their parents.**

**Cole and Maryden traveled as well, healing small communities with music and love.**

**Varric returned to Kirkwall, though he sent presents for Ashyn and her brother, Canyn, as often as possible.**

**Keeper Deshana returned to her clan, and with the urging of Shayde, she found a new first and the clan prospered.** **  
** ****

**Divine Victoria, Leliana, returned to Halamshiral, and turned the world on its ears. New decrees and support for the new mages emerging all over the world, she was not looked on kindly by everyone.**

**Solas and Shayde took on their roles as teachers with the same veracity that they tackled the Breach and Corypheus with. With the return of elven magicks, and all of the changes Shayde underwent, over the years they found her not aging like her fellow elves had been. She had been granted time. She and Solas loved and lived, forever. Giving of themselves to a world ever in need of it, raising their children to be kind and giving,  fierce and loyal, loving and strong.**

**Ashyn went out into the world, gathering magicks and mages under her wings, and bringing them home to be nurtured the way they should be. Canyn stayed at home, helping his parents, and with the help of Master Dennet, he became a master Hart and Halla trainer, renowned throughout Thedas. He had an affinity for animals, and with magic of his own, he could get into the heart of any animal.**

 

 **The world changed, many times over the millennia. Sometimes, in bad ways, and in others very good. Solas did his best to right the wrongs he had committed in the name of a greater good. Shayde taught and fed and nurtured those around her, in the best way she knew how. Fully and openly and with a great deal of love.** **  
** **  
** **They left a mark on a world that had been ravaged by time and magic. Their mark was lasting and often talked about with kindness and love and respect. As the years and decades flew by, and they said goodbye to their beloved friends, they left their home in the capable hands of their children and grandchildren, and traveled the world and the Fade together.**

 **But they were always drawn home. Their love drew them home.** **  
** ****

**Because at a loving home.. There is always..**

**Solace**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may revisit Shayde and Solas depending on what does or doesn't happen in DA4. Since it's a ways off, for now they will get to rest in their hard earned love and peace.
> 
> I want to thank you all for reading their epic journey. I know so much of this is all me, very obviously changed from what happened in the games. But I felt they deserved an end.. Not an open ended cliff hanger that made me want to cry like a baby.  
> I *love* this romance. It's beautiful, breathtaking, heart shaking and earth shattering. Beyond well written, and delivered flawlessly, it sucks you and leaves you shattered at the end.  
> I'm glad you chose to take this journey with us, and hope you'll enjoy their end as much as I did.


End file.
